As a member of the Kenyatalk Keyboard Defence Force, I’d like to offer our security forces some suggestions for responding to future terror attacks. Most of these are common sense suggestions, so I’d be very surprised if they haven’t already been adopted.
First my resume.
As an avid watcher and consumer of intelligence-themed movies, TV series, documentaries and batshit crazy conspiracy theories, I believe I have a wealth of experience in matters security. I watched all 9 seasons of 24, including the movie Redemption. I’ve also watched Homeland, Taken, Shooter, Blindspot, The Blacklist, Alias, The Americans and most recently, Jack Ryan. While I believe my experience will keep rising with each new show that comes along, I’m sure I’m qualified enough to offer my unsolicited opinion on the issue.
My suggestions only concern the response to terrorist attacks, not prevention. So here goes:
-All building plans in the country must be uploaded to a central database. Commercial buildings especially should be required to do this. That way, while RECCE and other forces are heading towards the scene of an attack, they have a layout of the building and can start formulating a response even before arriving. This significantly reduces response time, instead of having to wait for sijui the developer to avail these building plans.
- A communication link dedicated solely to reporting terrorist attacks must be established. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It could be a USSD code or a website or a twitter handle or FB page. For it to work smoothly, it must be used only for reporting terror-related incidents and nothing else. Of course, once in a while, stupid mofos will report fake shit, but imagine if all such accounts suddenly started receiving several calls, SMS, tags, and DMs about an attack at one particular location. That would alert the authorities within minutes.
-Our security forces must establish a protocol for handling terror attacks. The Dusit response was more organized than Westgate, so that’s commendable. However, more needs to be done. The minute various agencies are called to a scene, each department must know and do exactly what is expected of them. For example, RECCE should be the only ones to directly engage the terrorists. KDF could secure the perimeter. GSU could cordon off the area and patrol the vicinity to make sure there are no other threats lurking around. Finally D-materials regular police could be tasked with whipping and slapping around the various idlers who might decide to gawk at a crime scene as the best way to spend their free time.
-We don’t always have to kill these terrorists. If someone wanted to go to Allah via suicide attack, then you killed them, haven’t they just achieved their objective? Just like you, I get aroused at the sight of a dead terrorist. My dick gets so hard it could cut diamonds. I know you got the same feeling when you saw those dead terrorists lying all dead with their brains oozing out. For pink handles, I know ya’ll got very moist from staring at those images, but unfortunately, that isn’t always the best move. If they’ve already been cornered, like these ones were, getting them to surrender is a better option.
Can you imagine how embarassed and super fucked Al Shabaab would be if their “soldiers” surrendered? Knowing the kind of information they have, that would seriously mess them up. One tactic I learned from Jack Bauer involved establishing communication with a cornered terrorist, then using his relatives to blackmail him. Tell him you have his entire family and will start shooting them dead if another hostage dies. That seriously fucks up their psychology. On the one hand, they’ve been so brainwashed that they have to please Allah, while on the other hand they still care about their family members, however hard they try to hide it.
-Aiiii nimechoka kutype, kwani admin ananilipa? Ata nyinyi mnaeza ongeza suggestions zenu hapo chini.
On behalf of the Keyboard Defence Force, I’m kyuktothecore.