ADVICE FOR SINGLES

#1
The Greatest Advice Ever on How to Romantically Protect Yourself

By Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., “Doctor Becky”

JONATHAN KITCHEN VIA GETTY IMAGES
Dysfunctional dating abounds and I would like to end the insanity. Like you, I am worn out by the needless tears, heartache, and crazy ex stories, all because of people’s bad decision-making, so even though teaching singles to make wise choices will severely hurt my counseling practice, I am willing to take the hit.

Another reason I’m so motivated is that I know what it’s like to feel like a dating fool, and to be in a miserable marriage that I got myself into due to my own dreadful and misguided mate choices. So much so that I reformed myself, and it paid off. In short, I got real and grew up. Why wouldn’t anyone who has found peace want others to find it, too?

How did it happen? Well, before I married the male Hope Diamond in 2013, I was single a long time — back in my young adulthood, and then as a single mom from 1993 to 1998. Then I entered a disastrous, emotionally devastating three-year marriage, which served as the jackhammer over my hard head that I needed. Determined to change my life, I went to graduate school, became a therapist, and dedicated myself to working on me and figuring out what I was doing wrong so I could be happy as well as find lasting, healthy love.

I became my own science experiment. I had to figure out how to select a compatible and healthy mate. I dated, but never had a boyfriend for nine long years. Why? Well I was going to fix me, but I had to be certain that my mate was mentally and emotionally healthy, he had to adore me with enthusiasm — no more one-sided business! Also, I was looking for a best friend, something I’d never had in a romantic partner. This, my friends, was exceedingly difficult to find. It took patience and a willingness to be alone.

One thing that also helped was a set of dating guideline that I had written in 1996 when I was a columnist for the San Antonio Express-News. Their inspiration came from when I was dumped by a man who went back with his former girlfriend a couple of months into dating me. When we first met he’d been out of the relationship four months and insisted he was relieved to be away from her and was safe to date — well, we know how that ended. I felt so duped and misled that I sat down and figured out some ways I could avoid flakes like that in the future.

Since then I have put even more thought into the concept. As I’ve always said, they look easy, but are not, and while they do not guarantee that you will never be hurt again, if you apply them they will significantly improve your chances:

Doctor Becky’s 4 Rules for Romantic Self-Protection

1. Do not date a man or woman who has not been out of a serious relationship for at least a year.
This rule helps you avoid becoming a rebound victim — you know, the human band-aid we become as we’re used to help newly single folk through the dark days? It also ensures that you are not being used as bait to win the person’s former love back. (Yes, people do that.) Typically, the person coming out of a long-term relationship or marriage are almost always temporarily insane and unstable for up to two years, and also their IQ temporarily drops by 20 points. This means that, except for criminal acts, they can’t be held responsible for what they say and do. That’s why it’s best to stay out of that sort of weather until the storm passes. Still, if you meet someone terrific who is just emerging from a relationship, it’s fine to become his or her friend and companion — sort of like staying nearby with a foot in the door, but not coming all the way in the house.

2. Do not have sex with a person unless commitment has been mutuallyexpressed. I look forward to reading the negative messages I’ll receive over this one. First, I believe it would be best if we all started treating sex like it meant something more than a second cup of coffee. Indeed, the sex act is very powerful for many, and almost always changes everything about a relationship. So, to maintain your equilibrium or inner peace, and avoid anxiety, you must be able to say to yourself that, “I know for certain that he or she will continue to be in this relationship following our having sexual intercourse.” This especially holds true for those who get very attached once sex has entered the picture.

3. Avoid feelings described as “head over heels.” When your feelings and emotions get out of control, your body pumps brain chemicals equivalent to taking heroin or some other drug that brings about temporary euphoria.* During this state, we cannot make wise and rational decisions. Many times this feeling lures us into a relationship that is not healthy for us, because we get hooked in by the way it makes us feel, but when it becomes unhealthy we can’t get out of it, because we love the way it makes us feel. The cycle of love addiction is born. Healthy love feels comfortable and easy.

4. Do not even think of getting married until you have spent at least one year and four seasons with your new love. It is impossible to say if we love someone until our desire to be with him or her stands the test of time. Until then, it is just a feeling caused by brain chemicals that make us want to be near someone. Of course, you must feel attachment to the person you commit to, but real, mature and potentially life-lasting love is a commitment and choice that is best made after see the person in as many situations as possible ... the holidays, cold weather, hot weather ... You need to see how he or she acts when sick, when things aren’t going right, how money is handled, how mom is treated, what their traditions and rituals are. You’ve got to ascertain whether they are honest and have integrity. Anyone can act nice for a short period of time ... that’s why it’s imperative to take your time. Hey, would you buy a car you knew had to last a lifetime based on looks and how it made you feel when you first looked at it?

Another piece of this is a promise you must make with yourself — that you will walk away if a relationship doesn’t feel right. I always tell clients that a healthy relationship will not be difficult, it won’t provoke insecurity and make you anxious. You won’t have to wonder if the person is going to flake out on you tomorrow, next week, or 10 years from now. You’ll just be able to live your life, every day, with someone whose company you enjoy immensely, and who enjoys you, too.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., “Doctor Becky”
Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes in relationship crisis, separation and divorce.
 

LeoK

Village Elder
#4
No matter how professional (or otherwise) human beings are rather complex no matter how smart (for lack of a better word) they are. There are no one size fits all solutions. You have this underneath great desire for 15 mins of fame Shosolaiti mentality. I think you have very good advice and intention. Keep doing what you do. Hii kitu ya kutisha tisha talkers wachana nayo.
 
D

Deorro

Guest
#9
No matter how professional (or otherwise) human beings are rather complex no matter how smart (for lack of a better word) they are. There are no one size fits all solutions. You have this underneath great desire for 15 mins of fame Shosolaiti mentality. I think you have very good advice and intention. Keep doing what you do. Hii kitu ya kutisha tisha talkers wachana nayo.
copy pasting without your own input is not a sign of smartness
 
#14
woooi @GeorginaMakena ,nani alichesea nunu yako kabla uolewe? hizi hekaya za kanisani ni mrefu tu sana,i sense an underlying issue,fungua roho .There's a lot you want to let out but you are covering them with these TL:DRs ,we'd love to hear from you
I saw this and laughed so hard. When women decide not to get married and even use their bodies to get ahead of the park career-wise they are labelled strong, independent women. When these young men opt to be happy and not be bound by women who believe it is their right to get married since their biological clock is screaming the men are labelled as being in a cult. GTFOH. If being on our own, taking road trips and having fun is being in a cult, then count me in. We are men the world is our oyster

wapi hao watu wako kwa cult kina

cc
@Bakayaro!
@Tom Bayeye
@Ice_Cube
@Okwonkwo
@imei2012
etc
red_pill.PNG
 
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#17
Have you ever tried arguing with a Mormon or Jehovah Witness hapo ndio utaelewa cult mentality, as in its like talking to a zombie. They just regurgitate maxims and some words they keep repeating . Thats when you understand how normal even mature people can kill themselves like in heaven gate's cult and others.... its called being brainwashed. Sasa watu wa mapills , woishe they need prayers. Kwani our dads who are so sucessful and have great families which pills were they taking na kucram 100 pages of some garbage on how to manipulate women that energy wudve made u rich then you'd ave no problems with women. Anyway,God akituweka lets converge 20 yrs from now hawa redpills tuone maisha yao. If the author of The Game -Neil Strauss alitoka kwa cult ya pills and he's the one who wrote the book you're using as ur bible, anyway your life your blunder, me nilikuwa nawahurumia mtoke kwa cult before AIDs kills you or other things but Ive become the enemy. Nimewacha.
 

Bakayaro!

Village Elder
#18
I saw this and laughed so hard. When women decide not to get married and even use their bodies to get ahead of the park career-wise they are labelled strong, independent women. When these young men opt to be happy and not be bound by women who believe it is their right to get married since their biological clock is screaming the men are labelled as being in a cult. GTFOH. If being on our own, taking road trips and having fun is being in a cult, then count me in. We are men the world is our oyster

wapi hao watu wako kwa cult kina

cc
@Bakayaro!
@Tom Bayeye
@Ice_Cube
@Okwonkwo
@imei2012
etc
View attachment 125248
Just to clarify, once again, being 'red pill' & MGTOW are not the same.
The former is about understanding & reconstructing perspectives on male-female sexual & social dynamics based on our nature.
But, it can also be extrapolated to include having an objective view of the world, ie understanding how the world is & works (so things like 9/11, how money works, gender differences, economic hitman, geopolitical realities, no political correctness, freedom & responsibility, choice & consequence, etc)...
This also espouses a praxeology that is based on men achieving their greatest potential as men, operating from their own mental point of origin, and exercising enlightened self interest, among other things.
Basically not letting gynocentry define one's life, & their families, if they so choose to have them.

MGTOW guys have understood red pill realities, & how women are, and have opted to do without the social (evolved) norm that is marriage and/or children.
In the extreme, some dudes believe they can live without women, or without interacting with them.

I am fully in the first camp, though I completely understand the MGTOW point of view.

That being said, as a man, do you...f**k the rest:D.

Moving on...
 
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