An idiot's guide on How to do a successful Coup in 10 easy steps.

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john_doe

Village Elder
#1
(Copied from samson wanjohi fb)
Step 1. Know where the State house is.
In 2008 some army morons decided to take over the government in Khartoum. They drove 2000km around Sudan looking for the Bashir's statehouse.
Step 2. Keep your mouth shut.
The year is 2004. Some influential guy from Equatorial Guinea hatches a brilliant plan to take over the country, he travels the country telling everyone, the coup in question is called the okoa, sorry, the Wonga Coup.
Step 3. Call some neighbouring countries and ask for help. In 1997 Kabila kicked Mobutu's ass with the help of Rwanda and Uganda.
Step 4. Take control of TV and Radio
Temporary Ban Kiss tv from broadcasting this is not time for wiggle wiggle wiggle. Go to Nation, Kbc, Citizen and put a gun up the Editors nose. Order them to play some military and Lucky Dubes songs. DO NOT play Rose Muhando or any Love luvy stuff untill you are ready to address the new nation. After addressing the nation, play Rose Muhando and Luvy luvy stuff.
Step 5. Call China.
Time to make that money, it ain't gonna make itself. Go to yellow pages and call the Chinese ambassador, China doesnt ask questions. If you call USA right now you will just get msomo. If china does not pick up, threaten the ambassador that you are going to tell his president that he does cocaine and has 4 children.
Step 6. Democracy
Hold an interview with CNN, Al Jazeera...whate
ver. Tell them there was a successful coup and that new elections will be held later because...democracy.
Step 7. Call the USA ambassador.
Now its time to call the USA ambassador, DONT mention China, Iran or Russia anywhere in that phone call, seriously don't, those USA guys will coup your ass before you can tell your wife statehouse is hers. Tell the ambassador that you need to discuss the terrorism and that you need USA's help desperately beg him to come. Update your facebook profile to read President.
Step 8. International relations
After the USA ambassador comes, take like 100 photos with him- No selfies. distribute them on facebook and to newsrooms. Have tea in a "closed door" meeting with the Ambassador, ask him about 50 cents, whether tupac is really dead and why aliens are only interested in America. After, call a press conference and thank the USA's ambassador for the security meeting that USA requested you have, next day drop just one bomb anywhere in southern Somalia and thank USA for the intelligence they shared even though it hit a bunch of thirsty camels that last drunk water in january.
The Other ambassadors will come to you.
Step 9. Be a bad ass
Do not hug, kiss or hold babies, that shit is for campaigning people. Do not bring your wife while addressing the nation.
Surround yourself with very black, like charcoal black, ugly recce style dressing officers not 'cute' officers. Make sure they are in army uniform and holding the biggest guns you could find in the armoury. They should not smile.
Step 10. Think like a politician.
Go home and change your mind about the stupid new elections you promised, power is now yours.
#Burundi
 
L

Luther12

Guest
#3
(Copied from samson wanjohi fb)
Step 1. Know where the State house is.
In 2008 some army morons decided to take over the government in Khartoum. They drove 2000km around Sudan looking for the Bashir's statehouse.
Step 2. Keep your mouth shut.
The year is 2004. Some influential guy from Equatorial Guinea hatches a brilliant plan to take over the country, he travels the country telling everyone, the coup in question is called the okoa, sorry, the Wonga Coup.
Step 3. Call some neighbouring countries and ask for help. In 1997 Kabila kicked Mobutu's ass with the help of Rwanda and Uganda.
Step 4. Take control of TV and Radio
Temporary Ban Kiss tv from broadcasting this is not time for wiggle wiggle wiggle. Go to Nation, Kbc, Citizen and put a gun up the Editors nose. Order them to play some military and Lucky Dubes songs. DO NOT play Rose Muhando or any Love luvy stuff untill you are ready to address the new nation. After addressing the nation, play Rose Muhando and Luvy luvy stuff.
Step 5. Call China.
Time to make that money, it ain't gonna make itself. Go to yellow pages and call the Chinese ambassador, China doesnt ask questions. If you call USA right now you will just get msomo. If china does not pick up, threaten the ambassador that you are going to tell his president that he does cocaine and has 4 children.
Step 6. Democracy
Hold an interview with CNN, Al Jazeera...whate
ver. Tell them there was a successful coup and that new elections will be held later because...democracy.
Step 7. Call the USA ambassador.
Now its time to call the USA ambassador, DONT mention China, Iran or Russia anywhere in that phone call, seriously don't, those USA guys will coup your ass before you can tell your wife statehouse is hers. Tell the ambassador that you need to discuss the terrorism and that you need USA's help desperately beg him to come. Update your facebook profile to read President.
Step 8. International relations
After the USA ambassador comes, take like 100 photos with him- No selfies. distribute them on facebook and to newsrooms. Have tea in a "closed door" meeting with the Ambassador, ask him about 50 cents, whether tupac is really dead and why aliens are only interested in America. After, call a press conference and thank the USA's ambassador for the security meeting that USA requested you have, next day drop just one bomb anywhere in southern Somalia and thank USA for the intelligence they shared even though it hit a bunch of thirsty camels that last drunk water in january.
The Other ambassadors will come to you.
Step 9. Be a bad ass
Do not hug, kiss or hold babies, that shit is for campaigning people. Do not bring your wife while addressing the nation.
Surround yourself with very black, like charcoal black, ugly recce style dressing officers not 'cute' officers. Make sure they are in army uniform and holding the biggest guns you could find in the armoury. They should not smile.
Step 10. Think like a politician.
Go home and change your mind about the stupid new elections you promised, power is now yours.
#Burundi
Good one!:)
 

kalel

Village Elder
#4
Step 6. Democracy
Hold an interview with CNN, Al Jazeera...whate
ver. Tell them there was a successful coup and that new elections will be held later because...democracy.
Spot on hehehe
 

Diffre

Village Elder
#6
(Copied from samson wanjohi fb)
Step 1. Know where the State house is.
In 2008 some army morons decided to take over the government in Khartoum. They drove 2000km around Sudan looking for the Bashir's statehouse.
Step 2. Keep your mouth shut.
The year is 2004. Some influential guy from Equatorial Guinea hatches a brilliant plan to take over the country, he travels the country telling everyone, the coup in question is called the okoa, sorry, the Wonga Coup.
Step 3. Call some neighbouring countries and ask for help. In 1997 Kabila kicked Mobutu's ass with the help of Rwanda and Uganda.
Step 4. Take control of TV and Radio
Temporary Ban Kiss tv from broadcasting this is not time for wiggle wiggle wiggle. Go to Nation, Kbc, Citizen and put a gun up the Editors nose. Order them to play some military and Lucky Dubes songs. DO NOT play Rose Muhando or any Love luvy stuff untill you are ready to address the new nation. After addressing the nation, play Rose Muhando and Luvy luvy stuff.
Step 5. Call China.
Time to make that money, it ain't gonna make itself. Go to yellow pages and call the Chinese ambassador, China doesnt ask questions. If you call USA right now you will just get msomo. If china does not pick up, threaten the ambassador that you are going to tell his president that he does cocaine and has 4 children.
Step 6. Democracy
Hold an interview with CNN, Al Jazeera...whate
ver. Tell them there was a successful coup and that new elections will be held later because...democracy.
Step 7. Call the USA ambassador.
Now its time to call the USA ambassador, DONT mention China, Iran or Russia anywhere in that phone call, seriously don't, those USA guys will coup your ass before you can tell your wife statehouse is hers. Tell the ambassador that you need to discuss the terrorism and that you need USA's help desperately beg him to come. Update your facebook profile to read President.
Step 8. International relations
After the USA ambassador comes, take like 100 photos with him- No selfies. distribute them on facebook and to newsrooms. Have tea in a "closed door" meeting with the Ambassador, ask him about 50 cents, whether tupac is really dead and why aliens are only interested in America. After, call a press conference and thank the USA's ambassador for the security meeting that USA requested you have, next day drop just one bomb anywhere in southern Somalia and thank USA for the intelligence they shared even though it hit a bunch of thirsty camels that last drunk water in january.
The Other ambassadors will come to you.
Step 9. Be a bad ass
Do not hug, kiss or hold babies, that shit is for campaigning people. Do not bring your wife while addressing the nation.
Surround yourself with very black, like charcoal black, ugly recce style dressing officers not 'cute' officers. Make sure they are in army uniform and holding the biggest guns you could find in the armoury. They should not smile.
Step 10. Think like a politician.
Go home and change your mind about the stupid new elections you promised, power is now yours.
#Burundi
:D:D:D
 

Diffre

Village Elder
#7
''Step 9. Be a bad ass
Do not hug, kiss or hold babies, that shit is for campaigning people. Do not bring your wife while addressing the nation.
Surround yourself with very black, like charcoal black, ugly recce style dressing officers not 'cute' officers. Make sure they are in army uniform and holding the biggest guns you could find in the armoury. They should not smile.''

hahahaha
 

shocks

Village Sponsor
#14
during the press conference state your government will come down hard on the corrupt. Quickly round up the most notorious perpetrators and summarily execute them by firing squad, win public support
 
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