Read one of these majuzi, now I’m here to give you the low down from a man who’s spent serious money plumbing the depth of Kenya’s dingiest corners.
I won’t repeat the points that @hoe_is_life made. But I’ll add some more locations, and my two cents.
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Relax inn
Main spot nowadays. Dress down au utapimwa vibaya by the locals. Cheap beer. Everyone here is desperate for cash, but the hungriest ones are the one there before ‘rush hour’, Yaani saa za kazi. There’s little they won’t do for some cash. Just don’t be an idiot. -
Sabina joy
More club than brothel these days. -
Somerset
Not many to choose from but take it from someone who’s been doing this for years, the ones here have been banished from more popular places for being theives or some such. Not worth it. -
Tea Room
Wamama -
Rico fries
Chill. 50% Wamama, 50% wasupa. All pick pockets if they think you’re gullible. So don’t act like a freshman au again utapimwa vibaya. -
Green Club.
Know it. Not my scene. Too much airs… -
Sophia Joy
@hoe_is_life nailed this one kabisa. -
Young Drifters
Hook up joint for people who want to slum it, bila having to visit dingy bro Hells. If you wanna (for some reason) impress your chips funga, bring her here. Malaya dress up, and shot shifts from 200 to Kshs 300-500 depending on how they read you. Room is kshs 200, but Hella clean and they never knock. -
GM
On side alley where Accra starts to slope hard.
Bro hell comes alive after 8pm. This is a spot for those who know. Seriously, don’t come here if you haven’t dressed down, or can’t act/talk right. You will NOT leave the building unmolested. -
Amar/Kitale
Spot for people who are too afraid to search for the good shit. Don’t settle for these mamas
11)Nyandarua
Go down Ngariama Rd, then turn right.
Any ho yo see here is the definition of a gutter princess. Be it injecting drugs, hard alcoholic, or notorious thief, this is where the lowest of the low ply their services. Dirt cheap, and there’s nothing they will not do. This is the first place I ever talked a hooker into letting me face fukk her hadi she almost cried. And all I paid was Kshs 500.
Be smart when going here, or dealing with these lanyes. Both the cops and the thugs you see down here are on their take.
Go at your own risk.
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Sobras
Where river road meets duruma Rd, there’s a building with a club and some drinking spots. This is where hos go to relax after standing all night. So if you want to go for the parasocial angle of katiaring a bitch on her down time, pass by here. Being a drinking den, it really comes alive after 5 pm. -
New Kenya Lodge.
The vanilla option. For when you don’t want to put in effort and just wanna see a girl, climb some stairs, and fuck her in a room. Junction ya latema and river road. -
Solai Lane, off racecourse Road.
24/7. Just zurura that area. These are the Malayas who are either new to Nairobi Town and/or don’t have the social credit kujisunda ndani ya bro Hells where other hookers have already established themselves. Another desperate bunch, so jichungeni. -
Gikomba (near mosque)
Technically majengo. You’ve heard tales of kshs 50 hookers? Ndio haws. These ones sit in their houses with their doors open. That’s the sign that they are available. Always carry max 500 (with 500 hidden for emergencies), dress down, and don’t be caught dead here after 7pm or you WILL get mugged. CD is a MUST. Wote wako positive. But if you’ve ever wondered what it’d be like boinking a ho with the rest of her brood behind a dirty curtain, this is your place.
That’s it for now.
I’ve been all over Kenya. If you bastardos want the low down on Mombasa, Mtwapa, Eldoret, Nyeri, Garissa or even (I’m not kidding) the Refugee Camps, there isn’t a place I haven’t gone to at least once.
Now, feel free to bitch, rage, demean, assume my STD count, preach or otherwise in the comments below.
But to my fellow degenerates, you’re welcome!