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Village Elder
#1
These Are The 5 Differences Between Uptown And Ghetto Chics

Yesterday I had a rather interesting conversation with some nephews and nieces about the differences between lasses from both side of the proverbial track. Wait, I just realized some of you might not get that. Tulikuwa tunaongea kuhusu madame mahustler na ma-punk.
Calm down.

What really interested me was whether things had changed from my younger days in terms of the differences between having relations with lasses from well off backgrounds and lasses from ghettos. Now, I need to layout the context; firstly, I am talking about lasses aged between 18-25.

The lasses who have just begun life and half the world is already at their feet whenever they wear body con dresses, pencil skirts, ripped jeans and croptops. You know, the basic Nairobi bitches girls. the ones who either live at home with their parents or in SQ in Lang’ata (interestingly, I squatted in my brother’s SQ after my mummy kicked me out of the house).

The type of lasses who live by filters and hashtags -#ShishaGang or #IndependentWomen even though they are begging their boyfriends for money to make their hair.

Let us start with what it’s like to date a lass from the ghetto. And here I am referring to lasses from neighbourhoods like Umoja, Donholm, Kangemi, BuruBuru, Kawangware, Kayole, Dandora and such areas.

Ghetto girls
#1. They start having sex early so they are very sexual girls

If you’re dating a lass from the ghetto and she tells you she wants to wait for 9- days before y’all get down to doing the naked tango, congratulations! You played yourself! Lasses from the ghetto start having sex so early in life that from a young age they begin to look at sex as currency.


#2. They LOVE fighting over dumb things and they fight like men

Lasses from the ghetto fight like men! If you ever date one, she will be the one instigating fights and will probably rock you like Conjestina beat up all her opponents. These lasses are largely devoid of feminine wiles, instead substituting them for masculine tendencies.


#3. If they are single mothers, they are usually the bitter variety with crazy baby daddy drama

I am talking crazy drama! The type that has the father of her child pop into her life everytime a guy starts dating her and he even threatens the guy to stay away from his wife.
And if you date one, she will constantly second guess your motives because the many men she slept with weren’t worth cowdung!


#4. They will always embarrass you when you’re at a classy joint

First off, if you date a lass from the ghetto, expect her to drag her friends to the dates. And they will all smell the same because they shared their perfume -never mind that it smells like toilet freshener.
Then They are the lasses who arrive looking dusty cos they had to walk from Muthurwa, smelling like cheap colognes and the weave/wig because that’s the pet name they have given the nest on their heads is sitting on the head like a hat.



#5. They are always quick to settle down

If your pull out game is atrocious, USE PROTECTION!



Lasses from the ghetto are quick to move into your house even before you know it. You begin thinking you’re house is haunted because things start mysteriously moving around and a ghoul has made your room it’s permanent residence -all this after just a one night stand.

Uptown girls
#1. They have existential crises and are always finding themselves

These are the dingbats who formed Nu Nairobi’s alternative scene where speaking to the wind is considered attractive and not bathing in anything but your own farts is a mark of sophistication.
The lasses from uptown always have identity crises each new month to coincide with their cycles!


#2. They are so fake and plastic
Live in their own world with their own weird subcultures that have them talking about chakras, elephant semen and holy guru farts. The uptown lasses of this generation are so fake they adopt silly little vocal tones to sound calmer and are always aura cleansing -in Kenya. An indegene of Africa talking about auras, chakras and shawarma.


#3. They are team naturalistas

Do not be fooled, from what I hear, maintaining natural hair is very expensive. So it makes sense that these uptown lasses would adopt natural hairstyles and pseudo-feminist dogma (for some reason these two go hand-in-hand like pubescent male masturbation and pornography).
These are the lasses whose understanding of feminism is some fascist entitlement with liberal sprinklings of misandry.

#4. They exclusively hangout at one spot

When the herd decides a spot is kicking, they all hang out there. Why? Because the tribe hath spoken! No more thoughts on the matter will be entertained.


#6. They inbreed (date from the same pool)
Take a look at Sean Andrew’s relationship issues. He accused his ex, Elodie Zone of cheating on him with one of their friends. That’s just what uptown lasses do. They keep it within the herd. Like human zero-grazing.


By the time you date an uptown lass after she has hit 27, she will have dated most of her friends so you can actually form a guy’s chamaa and discuss matters pertaining to what she enjoyed best during le sexy time -strictly for research purposes.
 
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epoch

Village Elder
#18
Kuna ka ukweli pahali. Hapo #4 - kuna siku nimepeleka dem wa ghetto a certain joint in Westy, mrembo sana (yaani mixture ya mcoast na muarabu). Sasa kuitisha drinks, dem anaitisha GK mbili. Before even a glass is brought, ashafungua na mdomo....drinking straight from the bottle. Sasa watu kutuangalia na mshangao. Club inacheza jazz that day, ati 'babe ambia dj aweke reggae'. Dem mrembo lakini tabia na ujuaji mingi......
Fortunately, tabia inanyoroshwa polepole.
 

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