Dirty Sexist jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.

Mkufuu

Village Elder
#1
I woke up this morning and said to the wife, "What a dream that was! I dreamt I was involved in a marathon sex session."
She replied sternly, "I hope I was in this dream..."
"Oh yes," I replied. "You were making the girls' sandwiches."
******************************************************************************************************
Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup
******************************************************************************************************
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
****************************************************************************************************
Did you hear that the guy who invented Vaseline is up for a Nobel Prize.
He's been entered in the category of best non-friction.
****************************************************************************************************
A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,

"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,

"Enter the dragon, " I replied.
****************************************************************************************************
I was on a date and about to pay for dinner, when I pulled my wallet out and a condom fell out and onto the floor.

Embarrassed, I said, "You can never be too safe right?"

"I suppose not," she said, disgusted. "Are you not going to pick it up?"

I replied, "Nah, I've already used it twice anyway"
****************************************************************************************************
A kid asks his father:
- Daddy, why do dogs keep licking their crotch?
- The reason is, my son, that dogs cannot make a paw into a fist.
****************************************************************************************************
I got a text message from my wife earlier that read, "I'm lying in bed waiting for you."

I texted back, "I'd love a shag, babe, but I'm stuck in work."

She replied, "You forgot I'm having surgery today, didn't you?"
****************************************************************************************************
I was in Edinburgh today, and saw a woman wearing a T-shirt that said, "Yes".

Long story short, I'm up on a rape charge tomorrow.
****************************************************************************************************
Women complain about balancing a career and home life.

They want to try balancing a laptop during a wank!
****************************************************************************************************
NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.

Maybe it got married.
****************************************************************************************************
If you're on motorway and the woman driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing...

She will be changing lanes.
****************************************************************************************************
My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big powerful scary nickname.

She was calling it a ' Weapon Of Mass Destruction.'

Sounded good, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought it was really hard to find.
***************************************************************************************************
A man hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it's there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home, it's there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife.
"Put the cat on," he says, "I'm fucking lost."
****************************************************************************************************
Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"
Girl: "How do you play that?"
Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'Red light!' when you want me to stop."
Girl: "Okay, let's play."
After a few seconds...
Girl: "Red light!"
Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."
****************************************************************************************************
A boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling, "Mum, mum, we're sitting round the neighbour's watching porn!"

Mum: "WHAT!!?"

Boy: "Relax, mum! It's child porn!
****************************************************************************************************
As I was licking out my secretary today I suddenly stopped and said, "Susan, I can't do this to my wife."

"Because you love her?" she asked.

I said, "No, because her pu**y stinks.
****************************************************************************************************
As the officer makes out the second ticket for careless driving, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking
 
Last edited:
#2
THE THREE GENERALS
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
 

Mkufuu

Village Elder
#3
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!
 

Mkufuu

Village Elder
#4
Oranges can be either male or female.

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
 

bouss

Village Elder
#6
Q: What is the best thing about having sex with a transvestite?
A: Reaching around & pretending your d*ck went all the way through.
 
#12
THE THREE GENERALS
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
The best jokes I have heard in a looong time...a killer.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Top