Wassup guys, been a wondering what all the buzz was about kumbe @uwesmake had farted. Sad sad when you cant hold a fart in due to extreme gay activity that includes anal beads, riming, fisting, gappigng, teabaging, assgrasping and pumping continously while your testicles are tickled. Uwesmakende and his gaylord army wakue banned from ktalk.
Anyway, been in a good mood of late, the year is ending, the country is fucked up but, life goes on. Now, first time i bomoad a kitten i was in form two. And please no one better judge, kun wale watu ata class one walikua wanadanganya vile walikua na threesome na headmistress. This is a true story that happened to someone.
So, i went to High School in Eldoret, ata sijui hii connect where my dad alitoa considering we are not related to kales, but anyway, that town mtu asikudanganye, the red light district is bad news. The first time i went to Eldoret as a mono, hurdled with my old man with my box, in this very hot but wet part of the country with very black thin people. We arrived in Eldoret at around 7pm, we went a day early, paranoia ya old age people. so after getting there my old man looks for room next to the bus stage (we have no relatives or friends in Eldoret by then). After kukula in some shady bus stage hotel we went for our rooms, man just outside the hotel KUNGURUS man, about 8 and they started shouting at us…Kuja daddy, kuja kijana . My dad pulled me, we got to the room and never talked about that again. I always planned on going back there after that day. The building had hotels at the top, a restaurant on the bottom and bar in the middle, so ukitoka room, and take a left, you are going to the bar, and the right, to the stairs.
Anyway, after i got to form two, developed a taste for the ladies and had figured out the thriving soap and textbook industry, i discovered how euphoric a bottle of Napolean could get you. All my friends were having episodes of what people called exile, and most people would go Eldoret or Kapsabet, though Eldoret had way classier, good looking whores unlike the ones in kapsabet who look like the neighborhood drunk looking for her next quick fix.
So one day, me and my buddy Solo harvested a good number of bedsheets from two dormitories, that night we made around six thousand. That felt like school fees to me. We had gathered so much soap, toothpaste, Kiwi etc. I had three K for my own use, it was too much for me, this was like a lifetime supply of mandazi or morning bread which at the time was the most important use for money. So anyway, this money started bothering me, it felt like 50K. I went a talked to my buddy, our class prefect, we grew up with the nigga in early days Umo1, told him im broke i need to go home. He was like, sawa, bora upitie home ambia matha akupatie machapo ucome nazo. Ahh, so, in a few minutes he walks up to the teacher on duty and tells him, Albert was playing in class and broke a window. The teacher on duty called me out, before my head met the outside atmosphere my cheecks met his hard tuoghed kalenjin hards. You are Going Home!!
YOU ARE GOING HOME
Man, i was slapped right in the middle of school where everyone could here he sent me to the staffroom and immediately started writing a leaveout form. He called for our dorm prefect and asked that i be assited to get my stuff and leave before noon. By breaktime i was leaving and everyone was giving me there letters for our sister school (hand delivery day manenos. Anyway, i was glad at this point that the teacher hadnt written anything about me having to get back with a parent, i just had to go back with the material that was needed to replace the windows.
In 40 minutes i was in Eldoret town, i immediately went to a hardware shop and to my surprise it only cost 180 bob for the whole thing. That was more than half my fare to Nairobi back in those days. Nikaenda direct to that hotel, at this time its very innocent mother with kids, and business people are mingled up in the restaurant. Soi got in with my uniform, my sweater and green games kit, grey trousers and black bata shoes. After bomoaring half a chicken fries and soda nikapanda stairs but half way i met some middle aged guy, 35 hapo, he was a little bit tipsy and aliniangalia vibaya then held my hands, Kijana unaenda wapi???
KIJANA UNAENDA WAPI???
Kijana unaenda wapi?? Nataka kubook room. Aihhhh? we mtoto unanatakia nyumba ya nini enda nyumbani kabla sijakutandika! so i dahsd out before my cover was blown by any of the staff. So i figured i had to be a grown-up to get accommodation. I went uko back street bought a tshirt, some rubbers, and a jacket, jeans were too expensive but if it came to that, i would have, nililikua na around 4k sasa.after the kuku and school bills i still had 3,700 na upuzi. Now i figured itabidi i come back when its darker, i went and found a cinema in town , was 30 bob for three afternoon movies, this was plot. I went and bought a bottle of impala gin ama sijui ilikua vodka nikaingia nayo ndani. Had the best time, getting out i was drunk af, managed to the hotel, they dint figure out i was a student this time and i was given a room for the night. Kufika room i slipt the money, zinginekwa socks, zingine kwa ventilation ya room na zingine chini ya kitanda.
At this point i was very high took a shower got ready for the great night. Kushuka chini i got into the pub immediately, and those days, ukiingia bar at 7 hapo wanaweka news KTN was popular. After 15 minutes they started playing soul music this was the trend, na hapa ndio kungurus wana ingia some are young some are old but man their scent just gave me a borner. There was this cheap mafuta they used to use that had an iconic smell.
So i went a nd sat at the counter, they asked me what beer? i looked at the counter, remebering seeing my grandie sip Allsoaps and i wanted to look old, so i said All soaps, it was 70 bob, i ordered 4, Kungurus seeing this, wakaanza kumill next to me, now since i was an amatuer, the first one that passed by nilipita na yeye. She is like ni nunulie hii. We kwanza niambie ni ngapi staki tukosane. The is shot ni 100 kulala ni 300. i am telling you this is a high-class whore saa hio. So tukaenda hapo haraka haraka kwa room akauliza unataka aje, nikasema nataka whole night, she was like nipatie hio 300. So si we removed kila kitu she is till with topand jacket. This pissed me off, ikamwambia i want to fuck you not jerk of after kusumbuana kidogo she accepted. put on the condom, kuingiza hivi dick this was the best feeling i have felt in my life, it was warm ad cosy. Then i started to pump the way I had seen on porn touching the boobs. 5 strokes in i started feeling oozy, nika kumbuka kuna doggy style, told the Kunguru to bend over she accepted grumpily and i went for three more strokes and fell flat on her back like a uwesmakende who was been tazered on the butthole.
After that si i thought we were to cuddle, she started walking towards the washroom getting ready to leave . I was like si nimelipa usiku yote? She was like si umemamliza ama unaeza endelea kunitombe nitoe nguo? Damn, she was beginning to scare me so i told her off. NIkalala watching TV. The next day i went and shopped for back to school snacks etc.
When i meet Solo…Manze solo…i had the most epic night of my life.