SEMI- LONG READ (PS this is not a hekaya bt a true story and happened in November 2014)
It was a saturday morning and i had jus woken up. Fixed maself sm coffee and turned on my Laptop…Usually on Satoz when i am mpangoless i don’t shower. My phone rings…Who is calling…its Danno.i lenga that call…Danno is another jobless broke mafaka who prolly is calling kuomba loan. Kidogo after a few minutes ana call comes in its Hellen…i still lenga her call…this is a chic i have lungulad many times hadi i lost count. Ushawai boeka na coomer ya dame hadi when she calls unaona kama yy ni chokosh fulani…ahem. After 10 minutes naskia simu inalia…Its Gstar a.k.a Nyongesa…the dude who works 4 an NGO thanks to Governor Bungoma and earns good mbesha…also G-star amenitolea mpango mara mob sana especially when i was broke. bila ku waste time i answer the call
Me: vepee mkubwa G-G-G–G starrrrrrr (kumsifu nayo)!!
Gstar: Poa jay…unachoraje leo? ka weekendi ndio ako
Me: Star jo sina mpango mjamaa…kamfuko kamekaa side mbaya…infact leo na plan tuu kustay indoors
Gstar: wacha hizo Jay
Me: manze niko serious…nili f*ck up jana (Friday)…sina pesa walae…ama unaweza nitolea foam nn? hehehe
Gstar: Budah una roho ya road trip ya Kwenda Sagana leo turudi kesho
Me: i stand up frm bed Budah ati umesema? Ati Sagana…eeeehh why not…tunaondoka sangapi
Gstar: Do hivi by 2pm ukuwe tayari…ntaku pick kutoka gate yenyu 2pm on the dot.
Me: swafi budah…mara hio hio
Pigad shower haraka upess…FFWD: 2pm G-star picks me with his Range Rover…mimi ndani ya ndae…Gstar knew nina hang over so he had bought some canned beer as stock…so ni mm kupewa…he could not drink coz the reason he was going to Sagana was on official duties…he had gone to meet some wazungus who finance the ka-NGO he wax for. We fika Naivasha…tukaenda some lodge smthning like sagana lodge & rest…chini ni resto cum pub na juu ni marooms… He booked a double room (we were to share ndio we save). We shuka chini jamaa leaves me at the resto as he goes to finish his bizness with walami…he gave me some cash and told me jay jipampe.
FFWD 8pm Gstar rudis and still finds me sipping beer…i was not bored the whole time coz kulikuwa na footie EPL all the time bn screened…bt i was glad he had come… Gstar comes in smiling na maraha mingi…i knew hapa sasa ni foam imejipa. We kunywa as we talk…jamaa is like leo lazima nitombe…Wairimu (his wife) amekuwa akininyimako siku mob. The uochaness in him he starts chokozaring any skirt wearer inda house…i tell Gstar cheza ndogo… i notice some two lanyes in a corner…walikuwa wamevaa nguo descent hata ungejuwa ni malaya…ungefikiri ni watu wa kazi ya offisi…bt me and my intel nilijua ni lanyes coz walikuwa wanakunywa drinks zao in slo mo…drink haijaisha sijui 4 hw long and they were stealing glances at me and Gstar coz by no G had already chafuad meza and nyama was on its way… i tell Gstar…kuna warembo wanatutupia jicho…again the uochaness in him he turns his head and starts zungusharing it while saying wako wapi ?? wako wapi? I tell me tulia buda…i summon the waitress…i tell her unaona wale wanawake wawili…ehe wale wamevaa red…wapatie yenye wanakunywa.
Soon the ladies were on our table. wamejileta…ati aki thanx.na zina shrub…ati am Shish(a.k.a shiko) and my friend here is Wamz (Wambui). I tell them have a sit ladies. FFWD after several drinks i felt tired…whispered to shish “ni pesa ngapi shot?..usijali mambo ya room tusha book tayari”…she says since mmenunua drinks & ua one hot dude ntakupa special offer ya 2oo/- . I tell G-star, manze nimechoka wacha nikalale…wewe jay wachanga ufala…wacha nilale 2hrs alafu ntarudi…i wink at him signalling him i want to kamua shish…Gstar starts laughing loudly '(uochaness again) and then says si ungesema hivo. FFWD…i went and dinyad Shish one shot lakini mzito and told her she can go back downstairs and join akina Gstar and Wamz…me i needed to rest. she left and i gave her the keys to patia Gstar…mimi nikalala
FFWD: i was deep asleep then nikaskia commotion kwa mlango…a mlevi (Gstar) was trying to open the door. Then wakishas light…i chungulia frm chini ya blanketi…Gstar had bebad Wamz and they were now arguing about price ya lungula… Gstar was like since he had bought enuff drinks haina haja ya kulipia coomer…chic resisted hadi Gstar had to give in. Ati ripa kwanza…he gave her 5sock (Fala kiligongwa juu ni msee wa ocha)…Gstar locks the dooor and switches off lights…Wamz is like apana zima lazima nione ukivaa CD. G-star was like matam mm nikoko na pipi siwezi ku dry fry. Dame ameevua amepanda bed…Gstar alikuwa amevua kitambo…niko all eyes and ears …freee live porno was about to start in the bed jus nxt to mine. Wamz is like na hatuta amsha huyu rafiki yako? kuskia hivi nikatoa a fake snoring sound…Gstar was like huyo ni mlevi hata hajijui sai
FFWD sex begins…at 1st the bed was squeaking not so loudly. kumbe Gstar was jus beginning…2 minutes of soft pumping and soft moans frm wamz hata nikaboeka bt more was to come…wacha kitanda ianze kulia nikama inavunjwa…Gstar was going in Terminator style. Ile blanketi walikuwa wamejikavaa nayo was now on the floor…wako missionary lakini mguu moja ya dame imeinuliwa iko mabega ya Gstar. Hio mguu ingine imelala lakini Gstar ameifinyilia chini using his knees…nikasema wawawawa…this lunje is deadly…wacha game begins…the real game. …ushaiona vile carpenter ukata mbao using a Hack saw…ehe hio rhythm with the fastness…ehe this is how wamz was bn nailed…wacha manduru za kisapere zianze…alafu ujinga ni even this Gstar guy akiskia utamu pia yeye kinatoa manly moans…ati AHHHH UHHHH (with a ki-base) chic is like “unaniua auuuuuuwi unaniua”…aki “imeweka moto” cooomer imeweka moto…tafadhali nitombe pole pole mm ni bibi wa wenyewe…Gstar cud hear non of this…yeye anaendelea kukata mbao non stop kama sunguch…manze dame aliscream aka scream hadi akachoka…she cud only now start punting as in breath heavily while releasing soft sounds of a woman who was about to pass out…Gstar nako akioni hii bado ni hio rhythm…nikaskia nime sullenda nimesullenda…chukua pesa zako staki tena…Gstar bado kiko juu…Chic knew she had to do better kujiokoa…out of nowhere i had her scream WANANIUWA ANANIUWA SAIDIA SAIDIA SAIDIA…that is when Gstar released her…chic alitoka mbio akafungua mlango…she was putting on her clothes kwa corridor akitoka mbio…Gstar was like Wamboi kuchako nilikuwa karipu nimalize…Wambui tupiaz him his 5sock and says sitaki tena na sitaki pesa yako…wewe ni mnyama…she continues mimi naonea huyo bibi wako wa Nairobi huruma… aki kama hivo ndio wewe utia bibi yako basi anashida mingi. Gstar walks back in to the room and finds me laughing…he was like sasa jay unachekako nini?
back when a red pen meant authority