Back in the day, I used to hang out at Rim Club, Langata Shopping Centre.
My girlfriend was a tall momo called Kui, about 12 years my junior. Her father was the deputy at the City Inspectorate and he had used his influence to have Kui employed at the City Council.
So one Friday Kui and I are drinking at Rim, me my usual White Cup and her, Guinness. The pub was owned by a guy called Kimani, who later opened and closed Kiss Club in the Diaspora (Rongai). He hated me with a passion, coz one time I had nyemelead his MWK.
Anyway, I don’t know how Kui noticed I was flirting with this kayeloyelo. Kufunga na kufungua, nilipata nimezambwa kofi nikapingirita sakafuni. Then Kui with her weight of 456 kilos was on me like a tonne of bricks. Mangumi na makofi ndiyo zilikuwa zangu. Jameni wacha nichapwe live live. Scratches on the face. Kuraruriwa shirt…
Because of her size and the fact that I was drunk, I could not get her off me. She just beat me up mpaka akachoka. As a man I didn’t make noise or scream for help - nilikubali tu.
After she was through mimi nikaamuka nikaka kwa kiti tena and started sipping my beer, mad as hell - bad mistake. Kui took the my glass and poured the beer on me, and then smashed the beer bottle on my head.
I started bleeding like crazy, and thats when Kimani asked the bouncers to intervene (kumbe the idiot had instructed them to hold off nipatiwe discipline?)
Long story short, nilijipata Nairobi A&E and the last thing I remember one of the nurses asking before I went under was: “Na huyu pia ni accident?”
Crazy thing is, when I was released the following day at around 10.00am (head injuries have to be observed for quite a while), I found Kui crying at my gate. Apparently after she smashed the bottle on my head, she thought she had killed me - now here she was weeping and telling the watchies at ameua Fiudmacho, sasa atafanya aje?
Mimi bandages zimejaa kwa head na uso nakaa kama nimegongwa na lorry. Wha was remaining of the shirt was red with blood. I did not speak to her.
Opening the gate, Kui akaingia and one thing led to another. DFHKM. She was so sorry, she gave it all - for four weeks non-stop. And let me agree, she was one hell of a ferk.
And that’s how, ladies and gentlemen, I got my out-of-wedlock second-born, now 17.
Mother and child are doing well in Belgium.
PS: Ninja wa Ktalk please spare me the boos. NILICHAPWA!
