How do I stop smoking, drinking & snorting cocaine?

Mark Maish

Village Elder
#1
#ThisIsMyStory I will soon be turning 25. I went to Kenya High, did very well that I was in the newspapers. I graduated top on my class, landed a good job where I earn a good salary. Actually, I am the youngest manager in my job and a hard worker. But I'm stagnant. I am struggling and I'm afraid this will make me harm myself. I feel like I have this void in life where I constantly need validation. I feel like the whole world is moving on, and I am left behind, living in disguise of YOLO or work hard play harder. I am tired. Very tired, with nothing to show for it.


I started indulging in sexual activity at a very young age, maybe 7 years or so. My older (by 2 years) brother started watching porn, and I guess he became curious and started experimenting with me. We would kiss, and touch touch each other. I even gave him his first blow job. It was all innocent I guess, because he was curious. No one ever knew. It is the first time I'm mentioning this. We stopped all this after he went to high school.


While in class 6-ish there, my aunt's friend would make out with me whenever I visited my grandmother's place. He was 29 years old. I was in love with him, and he was in love with me. No one ever knew about this. But it stopped in Class 7 after we were taught about sexual health and told our sexual parts are ours and no one should touch them until we get married. So, from that time, I never got involved with a man, until I cleared high school.


Through primary school and highschool, I had a hard time. Always being kicked out of school. Having an absent father who used to scare me a lot. I was not brought up in a family where speaking up was condoned. My dad was the only authority. My mum was Ok. She is a good Christian woman, but she was just a poor role model. She worshipped her husband. Treated him like a king. My dad would beat her every time we did something wrong and she would just say, that's how marriage is. I don't know if this upbringing messed me up, but I know it was not normal.


Anyway, after I cleared highschool, at 17, I met a guy who I loved. I got pregnant twice and had abortions. Which did not affect me, because they were necessary. But since then, I vowed not to have sex without a condom. At some point I lost my dad, who we didn't have a good relationship with, and I resorted to self-destruction just to cope with everything. I started drinking, snorting cocaine, having meaningless sex, joined craigslist and had sex with everyone I met.


I also joined a group, that was all about drinking and road trips and the modern self-validation activities people do, just not to miss out and feel like I matter. An upside to this is that I met people from different professions and it opened my mind on public speaking, interactions and attaining all the social cues.


I hit rock bottom when after a crazy night out, a guy had sex with me when I blacked out. I was going nuts. My closest guy friend then stopped talking to me. This guy (I had sex with) started telling people how I am such a slut and how my vagina is loose and how it was the worst sex in his life. I began feeling depressed, and my close guy friend started keeping me at arm's length which made the situation worse.


The entire ordeal really took a toll on me, and up to this moment (5 years later) I haven't recovered. My coping mechanism, was to try redeem myself, and get approval from this group. So I kept my head high. And kept going for trips to TZ, Msa but I could tell no one wanted to be my friend. My close guy friend, upto now, doesn't talk to me. It is really stupid I know, but I really don't get why this is affecting me. I don't know why my mind is hung up on approval from these people, especially this guy.


I have moved on. I thought I healed, but this one thing keeps holding me back. It has really affected me. I even find myself paying for extremely expensive trips just to fit in. I am in so much debt, my salary is quarter the supposed net pay. Every day I affirm to myself to start afresh and let go of this toxic people but I see they have a trip planned somewhere (we go for trips every two weeks) and I do it. Not for fun, but just to redeem myself from something that happened half-decade ago.


In the course of all these events, I met a really nice guy. Very polished, and intelligent, and I don't know if it is self destruction. But I blew it off with a drunk text. I have regretted this for a long time. My point is, this life I'm living is really wrecking me up. I just want my life back. The innocent church going girl who had just books to think about.


I am in a dark place. I feel so alone. I feel so depressed. I just want this urge of being a people pleaser to end. I want to stop taking drugs. I want to stop smoking, drinking, snorting cocaine, popping pills. But I don't know where to start. What's worse is I have very good bestfriends who love me. I have a very good career. I have a very good boyfriend, but neither, know what I am going through. They just see a strong woman, who has it all going for her. I just need this void to be filled. Kindly someone, anyone, help me.


PS: #ThisIsMyStoryCampaign lets you open up, anonymously, about your struggles & how you deal with them. To take part, send your story to markmaina76@gmail.com.

Follow the series on www.facebook.com/MarkMaishCom

#MarkMaish #TheBrokeBillionaire
 

Bigfish1

Village Elder
#3
If you willing to try and arent biased ,Try Islam, Google or YouTube stories of women who found it as way out of heir distress and found new meaning to life.
Women especially in the West are finding Islam to be a way out of society created norms .
 

screwplus

Village Elder
#8
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mhh the west is having this drug issue being discussed after lil peep died from taking a bad batch of xanax..here comes one in ktalk out of no where -a story about one also quitting...PUH LEEZE TROLLOLOLLLL we si lil uzi ....and if don quit- you die, if you were talking about dealing with withdrawals you could have sound genuine
 

slevyn

Village Elder
#11
If you willing to try and arent biased ,Try Islam, Google or YouTube stories of women who found it as way out of heir distress and found new meaning to life.
Women especially in the West are finding Islam to be a way out of society created norms .
:D:D:Dwoii you need help
 

Jergen

Village Elder
#19
Chukua leave from work, check yourself into rehab.. And face your demons, all of em.. With the help of a psychiatrist. The time you take away from those toxic people, and with a reasonable, rational voice in your ear, things just might turn around for you.
 

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