#ThisIsMyStory I will soon be turning 25. I went to Kenya High, did very well that I was in the newspapers. I graduated top on my class, landed a good job where I earn a good salary. Actually, I am the youngest manager in my job and a hard worker. But I’m stagnant. I am struggling and I’m afraid this will make me harm myself. I feel like I have this void in life where I constantly need validation. I feel like the whole world is moving on, and I am left behind, living in disguise of YOLO or work hard play harder. I am tired. Very tired, with nothing to show for it.
I started indulging in sexual activity at a very young age, maybe 7 years or so. My older (by 2 years) brother started watching porn, and I guess he became curious and started experimenting with me. We would kiss, and touch touch each other. I even gave him his first blow job. It was all innocent I guess, because he was curious. No one ever knew. It is the first time I’m mentioning this. We stopped all this after he went to high school.
While in class 6-ish there, my aunt’s friend would make out with me whenever I visited my grandmother’s place. He was 29 years old. I was in love with him, and he was in love with me. No one ever knew about this. But it stopped in Class 7 after we were taught about sexual health and told our sexual parts are ours and no one should touch them until we get married. So, from that time, I never got involved with a man, until I cleared high school.
Through primary school and highschool, I had a hard time. Always being kicked out of school. Having an absent father who used to scare me a lot. I was not brought up in a family where speaking up was condoned. My dad was the only authority. My mum was Ok. She is a good Christian woman, but she was just a poor role model. She worshipped her husband. Treated him like a king. My dad would beat her every time we did something wrong and she would just say, that’s how marriage is. I don’t know if this upbringing messed me up, but I know it was not normal.
Anyway, after I cleared highschool, at 17, I met a guy who I loved. I got pregnant twice and had abortions. Which did not affect me, because they were necessary. But since then, I vowed not to have sex without a condom. At some point I lost my dad, who we didn’t have a good relationship with, and I resorted to self-destruction just to cope with everything. I started drinking, snorting cocaine, having meaningless sex, joined craigslist and had sex with everyone I met.
I also joined a group, that was all about drinking and road trips and the modern self-validation activities people do, just not to miss out and feel like I matter. An upside to this is that I met people from different professions and it opened my mind on public speaking, interactions and attaining all the social cues.
I hit rock bottom when after a crazy night out, a guy had sex with me when I blacked out. I was going nuts. My closest guy friend then stopped talking to me. This guy (I had sex with) started telling people how I am such a slut and how my vagina is loose and how it was the worst sex in his life. I began feeling depressed, and my close guy friend started keeping me at arm’s length which made the situation worse.
The entire ordeal really took a toll on me, and up to this moment (5 years later) I haven’t recovered. My coping mechanism, was to try redeem myself, and get approval from this group. So I kept my head high. And kept going for trips to TZ, Msa but I could tell no one wanted to be my friend. My close guy friend, upto now, doesn’t talk to me. It is really stupid I know, but I really don’t get why this is affecting me. I don’t know why my mind is hung up on approval from these people, especially this guy.
I have moved on. I thought I healed, but this one thing keeps holding me back. It has really affected me. I even find myself paying for extremely expensive trips just to fit in. I am in so much debt, my salary is quarter the supposed net pay. Every day I affirm to myself to start afresh and let go of this toxic people but I see they have a trip planned somewhere (we go for trips every two weeks) and I do it. Not for fun, but just to redeem myself from something that happened half-decade ago.
In the course of all these events, I met a really nice guy. Very polished, and intelligent, and I don’t know if it is self destruction. But I blew it off with a drunk text. I have regretted this for a long time. My point is, this life I’m living is really wrecking me up. I just want my life back. The innocent church going girl who had just books to think about.
I am in a dark place. I feel so alone. I feel so depressed. I just want this urge of being a people pleaser to end. I want to stop taking drugs. I want to stop smoking, drinking, snorting cocaine, popping pills. But I don’t know where to start. What’s worse is I have very good bestfriends who love me. I have a very good career. I have a very good boyfriend, but neither, know what I am going through. They just see a strong woman, who has it all going for her. I just need this void to be filled. Kindly someone, anyone, help me.
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