This is an old hekaya I dug up pale Uso Kitabu, you that On this Day isht? I told it a year ago, so simu yenye ilikuwa na mbisha ishatoweka. Here…
If you hear a man from the slopes begin a statement with ‘Nie nani na úvísí wakwa…’ Translation: mimi naye na upii wangu=me and me and my uncircumcisedness, yes?
Anyway, when a man from the slopes begins ‘ni nani na úvísí wakwa…’ know that man just fucked up big time. Rather, he ‘ate tape.’
Like yesterday.
So yesterday jioni I had gone at Mama Peshu’s to buy sukuma. You see, I love sukuma, but I am very alive to the economic interpretation made of its consumers. I will one day form an end-sukuma-stigma movement.
Anyway, at Mama Peshu’s I found this barely legal that I have been seeing around for the last few weeks. And because I listened very carefully to what Irene wa Tata said about metal and work, I started nyemelearing. Of course I asked Mama Peshu for a kilo of nyanya and onions, ndengu special and started asking the barely legal what else was required for cooking meat.
Akasema ginger, nikasema mama Peshu leta ginger ya rwabe. Akasema saumu nikasema na pia saumu ya one fefte. Akasema dhania nikasema na dania ya two fefte. Vitu zikakuwa mingi mpaka nikaenda hapo next nikaitisha paperbag ya yellow. Siku hizi inatoka thate fae for those not in the know. Niliacha ikiwa feftin.
Sikiza sasa penye upus ilikujia.
After paying for all that stuff, I then, naturally, hit my barely legal with ‘si twende supper, unajua hizi ingredients zote sijui kutumia?’ [hiyo nilipata kwa The Mafisi Act (sec 2, a (i)- justification of invitations) First I was surprised by her cold reaction but then I was quickly reassured when she, leaning on mama Peshu’s stall like she was not even seeing me, said “Huyu mathee anakam. Simu yangu imespoil but nipe conta yako nitakuongelesha nikifika home.”
Ate what? I quipped. Nipe conta nitaishika tu kwa akili, nikifika home tutaongea.
I am known to think fast and in context, but in this one I was caught out. I did not understand why she would think I had conta, but in the spirit of Mafisi Act (Sec 6 (b)- response to ambiguous questions) I said, sina hapa lakini najua msee anaeza pata kwa plot yetu.
Weh! She looked at me like I had just been vomited! Just then, her mum got where we were and they left.
I contemplated asking Mama Peshu to exchange my stock for Sukuma, ata akae na pesa, nitakuwa nikikula pole pole, but after seeing her mischievous smile I thought otherwise.
Na hiyo ndo maana hamkuniona jana urabu. With my largely dented budget, I just hang out here, me and my groceries, all night. Alone time. Some, like ginger, giving me the ‘mbona ulituita huku kama hauna form?’ look.
Sasa leo asubuhi ndio nimeamka with an Isaac Newton moment. Conta ni contact! Ma ya ngune! Mimi, after so many odd jobs, nilidhani ni ‘Conta adhesive glue.’ You see, aliniambia simu yake imespoil, na conta is for repairs, aye?
Shule zinafunguliwa lini eti?
Ni nani na úvísí wakwa….now I’m indoors, sober and cold- with a tainted image outdoors. I will be needing a supplementary budget and a major two-tier PR campaign- one for my barely legal, and one to ensure Mama Peshu remains quiet.
Nauza ginger, na dania…na hii ingine inaitwaaa….nauza groceries. Anyone? Promote.
PS: I am not a mafisi member, my applications have been continually rejected due to failings like the one above. Sasa nangoja mtoto wangu aende shule niingie Team Ma-fees-i