#ThisIsMyStory I am 21 years old, a girl, and a finalist in campus. My story is complicated and I don’t for all I know understand it myself. I have two sisters and I am lastborn. When I was 6 years I lost my mum to mediastium tumor. I never knew my dad which is the case to date. With my mother’s death, we moved in with my grandmother like my mum had asked of her. After a year at her place, she decided we had become too much a burden to her so she gave my second born sister and I away to our uncles arguing that maintaining us was too costly. At the time, I was too young to ask questions though either way, it was my uncle I was going to live with so I did not fear.
Unfortunately, things were not as I anticipated. My uncle’s wife treated me super badly. Being the kind of child that does not want to be at crosspaths with people, I persevered. Days went by, months and eventually years. 4 years later, I decided enough was enough so one day during family meeting, I chose to confront my fears and end the abuse. I refused to go back to stay with her.
Grandma either never liked me or loved her son more, OR hated to spend on us. She kept pestering me with threats. She wanted me to go back but my sisters had my back, they did not allow me to feel intimidated. (Story for another day).
A year later I moved in with another uncle and things were equally the same. I learnt to live in fear and solitude since no one bothered to offer company. This time I spent three and a half years. (Lets get to the story of the day).
I have a hard time interacting. My social life is stuck on watching and just spending solo moments. Truth is, I am a loner and I am pretty good at it. I enjoy being alone more than anything. I hate to stick around people for long. Even friends, family or just anyone. At the worst I don’t fancy long stays with my own sisters.
Sometimes I want to blame it on my past that was totally abused and purely lonely but I am not sure I would be any different had things been different.
I dislike new faces and the fact of having to start up rapport.
I have been to quite a number of relationships but they’ve never worked so well coz I do not like to share even when I am depressed leaving my partners worried or full of question. My partners in turn do not share even what is pertinent to the growth of our relation thinking that my not sharing means suit to them. I dont know how to be better. When I try, I go way beyond my comfort to keep people around me.
I dont know how to share my belonging coz I never had anyone to share with during the crucial times of character development. I am selfish. My character was assassinated by selfish women that did not see me as a child that needed teaching, moulding and loving.
Matter of fact, I have no compassion in me no matter how grave a situation gets. I dont also like for anyone to take pitty on me at all even during the deadliest of cases. I am generally a numb nut. This I can attest to by the fact that even for my own sisters I never feel obliged to do anything good for them or help much worse even in sickness. That humane part of me was ripped off and I cant so easily restore it. I want to so bad but I just can’t. I plan on getting money in the future and see a therapist. Maybe I can salvage a certain quotient after all.
I am desirous of being a better version of me. My sisters think I choose to be this but to be honest sometimes I regret the things I say or do to them. Yes I am terrible, but I can’t help it. I am also scared of marriage when I come to think of it because I do not know how I am going to be to someone’s son especially with the “Till death” vow. I promise I do not like the emotional handicap I am. All the things I do that suggest love are just for a show otherwise, I am a real nut.
PS: #ThisIsMyStoryCampaign lets you open up, anonymously, about your struggles & how you deal with them. To take part, send your story to [email protected].
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