I Am A Senior Villager.

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#1
RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR! *Cough* *cough* *Clears throat.*

Yes. *ahem* yes. ....

Now that I am a senior villager I feel it's only prudent that I write up a Hekaya just to show I deserve the title.

Okay! Here we go.........

NB: This story is completely made up. None of it is true.


I don't drink. Not even a little. It's been a year since Itasted alcohol or any other drug apart from coffee.
My friends love this because they can use me as the designated driver. They buy me food, I take them home. You might think I'm getting the short end of the deal, but that's because you haven't seen these guys drunk. They are hilarious. Sometimes I think of recording them, then I remember friends don't do that to each other.

It's a tough job getting drunk people home safely. Pretty much like herding drunk cats except they are human and I've never herded cats.

Anyway, yesterday we meet at a pub. They order their drinks and I order my Nyama Choma/ ugali. Stories start. The normal banter with guys soft roasting each other. Bottles empty and full ones take their place. Idiots get drunk, I'm still sober. I notice friend 1 let's call him Guy isn't with his slutty girlfriend as usual. I ask him where she is....

Guy has a slutty girlfriend. I mean this girls is a malaya on the verge of starting to move around by dragging her self on her butt because she can't close her legs. Love is blind. Guy can't see. Not yet.

So anyway, guy remembers he needs to call the hoe. He Gets out his phone. Phone's battery is kuffed. So he borrows phone from Friend 2 let's call him Dude.

Guy dials Slutty's number on Dudes phone and presses call button. He sets phone on loudspeaker. He likes doing that when calling Slutty around us. I think Guy has esteem issues. Guy sits waiting for the jembe to pick up. Then guy Squints. Guy squints again. Pulls head back. Then he suddenly shouts..... "DUDE, MBONA UMESAVE DAME YANGU KAMA KITOMBEO" KWA SIMU YAKO? TUHESHIMIANE!"

Dude is in the middle of telling story to other drunkards. Dude has no chill so he turns around says calmly "Sababu huwa namtomba."

"ATI NINI?" Guy is frothing.

Still Zen as f**k, Dude replies "Nambomba huyo dem wako."

Guy is about to punch Dude when Sluttishia picks phone.

"Hello......." She sounds drunk.


"WEWE MALAYA HUWA WATOMBWA NA DUDE?"

"Ati nini?"

DUDE YUWAKUTOMBAAAA. NAKUULIZA.?"

Dude is lalaughing hysterically. People watch and listen keenly. Lounge is quiet.

"Nani amekwambia...."

"DUDE."

Dude the Buddha chimes in "Mwambie ukweli tu huyu mjinga."


"Wewe Dude hebu usinikosanishe na Guy"

"Ni ukweli sio siri tena. Tushatombana " Dude says.

Guy is now about to cry,

"YANI SLUTTERINA WAEZA NIFANYA HIVI SIO."

"Skiza babe, huyu mshenzi huwa nampa mkundu pekee kwa sababu kuma ni yako tu. Sawa baby."

Everyone is quiet now. Guy jumps at Dude and startstarts beating him.

People are staring at me. Drunk people can smell teetollers like vampires smell a victim. I hate attention. so I spill watet on my crotch and walk out pretending to stagge. I get into car And drive off .

Haven't talked to Guy yet but Dude tells me they werw thriwn out by the bouncer. And DuDude went home cryingcrying.

The End.


It's my First time..... so be gentle.
 
Last edited:

Mkufuu

Village Elder
#10
I don't like this ranking system especially on social sites where no technical experience is required or gained. I recently acquired an elder status after posting a little over 200 posts which to me makes no sense. That coupled with the fact that some posters expect elders to carry themselves in a certain manner makes me dislike the tag. I was more comfortable with the villager status and that's all I wanna be. If this was wazua, a professional or technical site then I would be ok with the ranking system.
 

AFI

Village Elder
#11
RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR! *Cough* *cough* *Clears throat.*

Yes. *ahem* yes. ....

Now that I am a senior villager I feel it's only prudent that I write up a Hekaya just to show I deserve the title.

Okay! Here we go.........

NB: This story is completely made up. None of it is true.


I don't drink. Not even a little. It's been a year since Itasted alcohol or any other drug apart from coffee.
My friends love this because they can use me as the designated driver. They buy me food, I take them home. You might think I'm getting the short end of the deal, but that's because you haven't seen these guys drunk. They are hilarious. Sometimes I think of recording them, then I remember friends don't do that to each other.

It's a tough job getting drunk people home safely. Pretty much like herding drunk cats except they are human and I've never herded cats.

Anyway, yesterday we meet at a pub. They order their drinks and I order my Nyama Choma/ ugali. Stories start. The normal banter with guys soft roasting each other. Bottles empty and full ones take their place. Idiots get drunk, I'm still sober. I notice friend 1 let's call him Guy isn't with his slutty girlfriend as usual. I ask him where she is....

Guy has a slutty girlfriend. I mean this girls is a malaya on the verge of starting to move around by dragging her self on her butt because she can't close her legs. Love is blind. Guy can't see. Not yet.

So anyway, guy remembers he needs to call the hoe. He Gets out his phone. Phone's battery is kuffed. So he borrows phone from Friend 2 let's call him Dude.

Guy dials Slutty's number on Dudes phone and presses call button. He sets phone on loudspeaker. He likes doing that when calling Slutty around us. I think Guy has esteem issues. Guy sits waiting for the jembe to pick up. Then guy Squints. Guy squints again. Pulls head back. Then he suddenly shouts..... "DUDE, MBONA UMESAVE DAME YANGU KAMA KITOMBEO" KWA SIMU YAKO? TUHESHIMIANE!"

Dude is in the middle of telling story to other drunkards. Dude has no chill so he turns around says calmly "Sababu huwa namtomba."

"ATI NINI?" Guy is frothing.

Still Zen as f**k, Dude replies "Nambomba huyo dem wako."

Guy is about to punch Dude when Sluttishia picks phone.

"Hello......." She sounds drunk.


"WEWE MALAYA HUWA WATOMBWA NA DUDE?"

"Ati nini?"

DUDE YUWAKUTOMBAAAA. NAKUULIZA.?"

Dude is lalaughing hysterically. People watch and listen keenly. Lounge is quiet.

"Nani amekwambia...."

"DUDE."

Dude the Buddha chimes in "Mwambie ukweli tu huyu mjinga."


"Wewe Dude hebu usinikosanishe na Guy"

"Ni ukweli sio siri tena. Tushatombana " Dude says.

Guy is now about to cry,

"YANI SLUTTERINA WAEZA NIFANYA HIVI SIO."

"Skiza babe, huyu mshenzi huwa nampa mkundu pekee kwa sababu kuma ni yako tu. Sawa baby."

Everyone is quiet now. Guy jumps at Dude and startstarts beating him.

People are staring at me. Drunk people can smell teetollers like vampires smell a victim. I hate attention. so I spill watet on my crotch and walk out pretending to stagge. I get into car And drive off .

Haven't talked to Guy yet but Dude tells me they werw thriwn out by the bouncer. And DuDude went home cryingcrying.

The End.


It's my First time..... so be gentle.
RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR! *Cough* *cough* *Clears throat.*

Yes. *ahem* yes. ....

Now that I am a senior villager I feel it's only prudent that I write up a Hekaya just to show I deserve the title.

Okay! Here we go.........

NB: This story is completely made up. None of it is true.


I don't drink. Not even a little. It's been a year since Itasted alcohol or any other drug apart from coffee.
My friends love this because they can use me as the designated driver. They buy me food, I take them home. You might think I'm getting the short end of the deal, but that's because you haven't seen these guys drunk. They are hilarious. Sometimes I think of recording them, then I remember friends don't do that to each other.

It's a tough job getting drunk people home safely. Pretty much like herding drunk cats except they are human and I've never herded cats.

Anyway, yesterday we meet at a pub. They order their drinks and I order my Nyama Choma/ ugali. Stories start. The normal banter with guys soft roasting each other. Bottles empty and full ones take their place. Idiots get drunk, I'm still sober. I notice friend 1 let's call him Guy isn't with his slutty girlfriend as usual. I ask him where she is....

Guy has a slutty girlfriend. I mean this girls is a malaya on the verge of starting to move around by dragging her self on her butt because she can't close her legs. Love is blind. Guy can't see. Not yet.

So anyway, guy remembers he needs to call the hoe. He Gets out his phone. Phone's battery is kuffed. So he borrows phone from Friend 2 let's call him Dude.

Guy dials Slutty's number on Dudes phone and presses call button. He sets phone on loudspeaker. He likes doing that when calling Slutty around us. I think Guy has esteem issues. Guy sits waiting for the jembe to pick up. Then guy Squints. Guy squints again. Pulls head back. Then he suddenly shouts..... "DUDE, MBONA UMESAVE DAME YANGU KAMA KITOMBEO" KWA SIMU YAKO? TUHESHIMIANE!"

Dude is in the middle of telling story to other drunkards. Dude has no chill so he turns around says calmly "Sababu huwa namtomba."

"ATI NINI?" Guy is frothing.

Still Zen as f**k, Dude replies "Nambomba huyo dem wako."

Guy is about to punch Dude when Sluttishia picks phone.

"Hello......." She sounds drunk.


"WEWE MALAYA HUWA WATOMBWA NA DUDE?"

"Ati nini?"

DUDE YUWAKUTOMBAAAA. NAKUULIZA.?"

Dude is lalaughing hysterically. People watch and listen keenly. Lounge is quiet.

"Nani amekwambia...."

"DUDE."

Dude the Buddha chimes in "Mwambie ukweli tu huyu mjinga."


"Wewe Dude hebu usinikosanishe na Guy"

"Ni ukweli sio siri tena. Tushatombana " Dude says.

Guy is now about to cry,

"YANI SLUTTERINA WAEZA NIFANYA HIVI SIO."

"Skiza babe, huyu mshenzi huwa nampa mkundu pekee kwa sababu kuma ni yako tu. Sawa baby."

Everyone is quiet now. Guy jumps at Dude and startstarts beating him.

People are staring at me. Drunk people can smell teetollers like vampires smell a victim. I hate attention. so I spill watet on my crotch and walk out pretending to stagge. I get into car And drive off .

Haven't talked to Guy yet but Dude tells me they werw thriwn out by the bouncer. And DuDude went home cryingcrying.

The End.


It's my First time..... so be gentle.
ati wewe ndiye slartibartfast from klost?
 
#14
I don't like this ranking system especially on social sites where no technical experience is required or gained. I recently acquired an elder status after posting a little over 200 posts which to me makes no sense. That coupled with the fact that some posters expect elders to carry themselves in a certain manner makes me dislike the tag. I was more comfortable with the villager status and that's all I wanna be. If this was wazua, a professional or technical site then I would be ok with the ranking system.

I also think the same. I'll be an Elder Villager by tomorrow. It's a Shitty system.
 
#16
I don't like this ranking system especially on social sites where no technical experience is required or gained. I recently acquired an elder status after posting a little over 200 posts which to me makes no sense. That coupled with the fact that some posters expect elders to carry themselves in a certain manner makes me dislike the tag. I was more comfortable with the villager status and that's all I wanna be. If this was wazua, a professional or technical site then I would be ok with the ranking system.
Kwani hio wazua imejaa, if you don't like it here jipe shughuli. Kama @ekamsweu na @Wakanyama walienda kenyagay na wakarudi sembuse wewe
 
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