Long read but worth it - what would you do fellows?

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#1
Somewhere between a wimp and a really nice human, this guy.
find original HERE.

Also, part 2 n 3 coming up in a bit

CTRL+C ----> CTRL+V frm reddit

Title: Me [29 M] with my g/f [27 F] together 4 years, she was raped & I'm thinking about leaving

I realize right up front that I am going to come across as an asshole and I will probably get lots of hate for this but I'm looking for all points of view.

Also this is going to be very long because I just don't know what to leave out and honestly I need to vent some.

Here is the story.

A year ago, actually a year and a month ago, my g/f was raped as she was leaving work. Thankfully she was not killed however her attacker did threaten her with a knife.

Fortunately the store she works at had camera's in the parking lot and between them getting video of the attack and the bank across the street getting the attackers car on camera the Police were able to catch him within a day. Between the video, and dna testing he did not even contest he just plead guilty in exchange for not receiving the max. Since there were aggravating circumstances, the knife, the judge gave him a 20 year sentence and with time for good behavior he can be out in about 10 years, give or take.

I tell you all of that to make it clear that her attacker is no longer a threat. She doesn't have to fear him coming back for her at least for 10 years or so.

Obviously this was a very traumatic event in her life and while I was not a victim per se it was also very traumatic for me as well. I can't imagine what she has gone through and I don't compare my situation to her at all. But I have had severe bouts of depression because I couldn't protect her and knowing someone else was harming her sometimes was almost more than I could handle.

Right after the incident she did not want to see me. I get that, it hurt but I understood. Her parents picked her up from the hospital and I did not see or hear from her for a week, which I sort of get but I think I could have gotten a text or something just saying she was ok.

Finally a week in her sister calls me and lets me know that she is staying with her parents and she will be calling me in a couple of days.

She never called me. Instead I once again get a text from her sister saying she would like me to come over for a few minutes so we can talk. I get up and go over and am greeted at the door by her mother who very calmly and very coldly starts laying out to me how I am to act and what I am to say. I am further instructed to not attempt to make any physical contact with her as in hug or anything.

Okay, again I get it, major trauma I'm sure they have been coached by therapist/counselors or something in what to say and do around her so I play along.

I walk in and she is sitting on a chair with her Dad standing next to her and her sister sitting on the couch.

As I walk in the room the sister starts talking and telling me that my g/f wants me to know that she is okay but obviously she has been traumatized and appreciates my understanding in her recovery. She never said one single word to me and barely looked at me.

Again, this was right after the event and I'm understanding that this is how it has to be. But honest to God that entire conversation was just awkward as hell.

I leave, go home and attempt to focus on how I can help her. I start googling how to deal with a rape survivor and what I can expect.

She starts going to therapy initially 2 times a week then after two months it goes down to 1 day a week.

In the meantime she finally makes contact with me and asks to meet at a coffee shop. I get there and she is already there and waiting. At this point in time they had her so medicated that I was dealing with a zombie for the most part. There was no emotion and she was very methodical in her speech. Basically she wanted to get together that day to tell me that she couldn't go out with me for awhile until she got past some issues she was dealing with. Of course I told her I understood, this was almost a month after the attack and this was our first conversation by ourselves so I was already living under this assumption.

I told her I would be there for her and that whatever she needed whether that be space or a shoulder to cry on or anything I was there for her. I started to tell her that I loved her and she stopped me. She told me that right now she didn't want to hear that and that I had to respect her wishes. I was once again a little hurt and frankly surprised but I said what ever she wanted.

She starts texting me the next day. Little things, nothing important but I think it is a big step in getting back to where we were. This goes on for another month and a half. I finally ask her at the month and a half mark if we could meet for dinner? She didn't reply for two days and then said that she had to wait for to talk to her therapist.

Finally she agrees to this but sets the date for another month away.

Now mind you this is almost 4 months after the attack and so far I've had one physical conversation with her in person and one bizarre conversation with her and her family.

Oh yea I need to mention this, I am not being updated on her progress by anyone. Granted I realize that I am not officially family nor am I entitle do anything but it would have been nice to just get a text or call or something from someone telling me that she was doing good in therapy or was not or anything.

We go out to eat at a small bistro that we ate at all of the time, I met her there and I was waiting for her to show up. After sitting for a half hour waiting I text to see what was up, I just get a text of "on my way". She finally arrives and sits down. I ask her how she has been and she snapped at me and told me to not ask her personal questions.

We ate and after dinner I wanted to just sit and talk because I missed the person I had talked to almost every day for the previous 3 years. But when she was done eating she said that she was ready to go home. I asked her if she could stay for just a few minutes to talk but I could see that she was becoming physically anxious and I did not want to upset her so I said that I loved her and missed her. She just walked away.

She goes back to texting me the next day like nothing had been wrong. We actually start to see each other once a week for lunch and she is getting more and more comfortable with being out so she sits and talks awhile. She has also started a new job which she tells me about.

This goes on for another 4 months. I'm happy to see her and all but honestly I'm very lonely and we have not even so much as held hands.

Then one day she doesn't show up for lunch, I text to see if she is okay, no reply. I call her parents to see if they know where she is and to make sure she is okay. I got the runaround from them and by this time I am starting to get upset because I don't want to know where she was at or anything I just wanted to know if she was okay. After actually saying that he mom say's, yes she is okay but don't expect to hear from her for awhile.

Well that makes me start to thinking she has had a relapse and is in the hospital, but what can I do? All I do is go home and try and take my mind off of it.

Two weeks pass with nothing from anybody. I'm trying my best to be reasonable here but basically I call her sister and ask if she is still alive or what. She knew I was getting frustrated so she apologizes but that her sister told them to specifically not let me talk to her.

At this point I break down. I don't know what I've done wrong here. I have not pushed her, I have not tried to get her to be with me in any way other than to just talk to me and even then I have had very generic conversations so as to not upset her.

I then get a text from her asking if I would meet with her at an address I wasn't familiar with but once I looked it up I determined this was a therapist office. I am told be there at 4 which meant I had to leave work early to get there.

I check in at the front desk and am told that the therapist wants to speak to me alone for a few minutes.

She comes in and I now know where the parents were getting this from because after formally greeting me she then started to provide me with a list of do's and don'ts. She then told me that my g/f wanted to speak to me and had something to tell me. I go in and she is sitting on one chair and I am instructed to sit in the other. She has a box of tissues and has been crying. The therapist tells me that I am here because my g/f has something to tell me and that she wanted the safety of therapist office to feel safe.

She then proceeds to tell me that the reason she did not meet me for lunch that day is because she was with another guy, somebody from her new job, and that they had been intimate with each other.

She might as well have taken a gun out and shot me, it couldn't have hurt anymore. I just drop my head and begin to cry. The therapist then pipes in with some logic about her taking back her sexuality since she was attacked and how this wasn't cheating in the same sense of cheating. My g/f then proceeds to tell me that she does not want to lose me and that she is just very fucked up in the head and that it was a one time thing and blah blah blah.

I feel very trapped at that moment. I felt like I was ganged up on and the more I set the madder I got.

I finally just said to her, you haven't so much as held my hand in the past half year yet you can go f**k some guy you met at work while I sit like a jackass waiting for my junior high like date.

This of course caused her to go into hysterics and the therapist asked me to leave. I apologized and told her to text me if she wants to if she wants to keep working this out.

I get that text later that day. Now she is all chatty and shit telling me that this was the worst mistake of her life and please talk to her. I tell her that I don't know if I can go on with this but agree to meet her.

I flat out tell her right up front when I see her that for me to even consider going forward with this that she has to cut this other guy off period. She tells me that is impossible because they work together and I tell her that I'm sorry but I won't even consider it if she is going to see this guy everyday. She decides to find another job and after talking with my sister she who I have told everything to she said that while it is not common some women do attempt to have sex after being attacked so that they feel like they have power again. Now why I am no the one who she did this with I have no idea, but I know I feel like I am being punished for something I did not even do.

She changes jobs and we go back to our lunch's and I do this twice when I tell her that I am getting a little tired of just meeting for lunch and doing nothing else so she agrees to come over to watch TV with me. That has been it up until tonight.

Tonight she came over and we watched two movies and ate pizza. During the second movie I tried to give her a kiss. Nothing more, just a fucking kiss. She backs away as though I was a cross and she was a vampire and tells me she is not ready for that yet.

Okay, not my finest moment here I admit but I tell her that it's been a fucking year and a month and I have not tried one god damn thing with her or forced her into anything and yet she willingly fucked some other guy months ago but here I am still waiting to hold hands. She of course starts crying but this time I'm not as fast to apologize. I do apologize for the tone of my voice and tell her that I would never try and force her to do anything against her will but honestly I feel like I have been kept on the outside, I've been cheated on (I don't give two shits what they call it, she willingly had unprotected sex with someone else) and I feel like I have done everything to try and be a supportive b/f. I tell her that honestly I don't want her to text me until I decide what I am going to do. I don't want to be unfair to her but by the same token a year is a long time and we are really no closer to being back to normal than we were 6 months ago and I have no idea how long this will go on.

Now here is the part where if you didn't think I was asshole before you will now. I am just tired of not having sex. Look I certainly understood not trying anything right afterwards and even months afterwards, but its been over a year and were not even holding hands and frankly the fact that she has been with someone else since this incident is killing me inside.

So I told her that I am going to think things through and promised to talk with her next week sometime.

But as it stands tonight I think I'm done. I love her, I hate the motherfucker who ruined both of our lives. I know this isn't her fault and I hate that I feel like shit no matter what I do. If I stay I am going to be resentful and even if she comes over tomorrow and has sex with me it will feel like either pity sex or desperation sex. But I know ending this will be punishing her for something that isn't her fault either.

Advice?

My God this is way to long.

tl;dr: g/f was raped over a year ago. in the meantime I have given her space and let her deal with things as she deems fit. We have not been together sexually since the attack, she on the other hand has been with another guy since. I think I'm done but looking for advice.
 
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D

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#2
I am just tired of not having sex.
lol that was the whole point in this loooooooooooooooooooooooong explanation. this isn't about her being with someone else. dunno why, but i suspect he may even be lying about her being with someone else for points.
 
D

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#5
@WuTang how is this her fault that he wants to have sex and can't? Because to be honest, if you read this whole thing and look at it critically without any bias, his only problem is that he isn't getting any. That begs some questions; what if their problem was different? what if, instead of being raped, she was in an accident and was paralyzed or hospitalized indefinitely which meant that they couldn't have sex?

The reason why I am convinced that there are some things he isn't being honest about is because I was once in a relationship with someone who had been diagnosed with clinical depression. If the only thing holding your relationship together is sex, you will end up feeling slighted because depression means a low libido. You have to be very understanding and have a connection on a different level (other than the physical) to be with someone who has intimacy issues outside of their control. The minutes I clicked on this thread, I immediately knew that it would end up being deprivation of sex that was the issue. I've heard of this type of thing so many times. A female is sexually assaulted and her man can't understand why she won't just get over it and move on so he can stick his d*ck in there. The story about her having a guy on the side feels like a fabrication which is meant to allow him to complain that HE isn't getting to have sex with her.

There is literally nothing on this post to indicate that he wants anything else from her other than sex. He says nothing about why he loves her or the things they share other than sex. They been together 4 years! You'd think that would mean he wouldn't some off as someone who JUST met her. He complained from the first paragraph all the way down. Also, the only other reason he stuck around this long is because he is scared of not coming off as a "supportive, good" guy. If he coulda bailed out the minute this shit went down without feeling like he was gon' lose some "nice" guy points, he woulda.

SMDH
 
#6
I feel this guy. I would be frustrated too is something similar to that happened to me. I guess he should see a psychologist. He has deep-seated issues he has to deal with, he has unmet emotional needs, and is lacking the the support required to go through all that.
 
D

Deleted member 1310

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#7
on the other hand, its reddit. i may be investing too much into this story which could very well be posted by a professional troll
 
F

Female Perspective

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#9
@WuTang how is this her fault that he wants to have sex and can't? Because to be honest, if you read this whole thing and look at it critically without any bias, his only problem is that he isn't getting any. That begs some questions; what if their problem was different? what if, instead of being raped, she was in an accident and was paralyzed or hospitalized indefinitely which meant that they couldn't have sex?

The reason why I am convinced that there are some things he isn't being honest about is because I was once in a relationship with someone who had been diagnosed with clinical depression. If the only thing holding your relationship together is sex, you will end up feeling slighted because depression means a low libido. You have to be very understanding and have a connection on a different level (other than the physical) to be with someone who has intimacy issues outside of their control. The minutes I clicked on this thread, I immediately knew that it would end up being deprivation of sex that was the issue. I've heard of this type of thing so many times. A female is sexually assaulted and her man can't understand why she won't just get over it and move on so he can stick his d*ck in there. The story about her having a guy on the side feels like a fabrication which is meant to allow him to complain that HE isn't getting to have sex with her.

There is literally nothing on this post to indicate that he wants anything else from her other than sex. He says nothing about why he loves her or the things they share other than sex. They been together 4 years! You'd think that would mean he wouldn't some off as someone who JUST met her. He complained from the first paragraph all the way down. Also, the only other reason he stuck around this long is because he is scared of not coming off as a "supportive, good" guy. If he coulda bailed out the minute this shit went down without feeling like he was gon' lose some "nice" guy points, he woulda.

SMDH
Synopsis please! Turned up already...
 
D

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#10
Ouch! I now know why you write long posts:rolleyes:
I guess I wasn't clear. We stayed together because I was ok with missing out on regular sex with him because he was a person and a friend to me first before he was a sexual object. I was willing to support him without sex being a determining factor because that is what a relationship with a real human should be. Support and love regardless of what is expected by society or selfish human nature. Our breakup was unrelated with his depression or our sex life. It was a long time ago. Please don't negate my comment/online persona because you think I'm carrying baggage. Also, this isn't about me. Lets keep this civil and focused on the thread at hand.
 
#13
There is literally nothing on this post to indicate that he wants anything else from her other than sex. He says nothing about why he loves her or the things they share other than sex.
'
But as it stands tonight I think I'm done. I love her, I hate the motherfucker who ruined both of our lives. I know this isn't her fault and I hate that I feel like shit no matter what I do. If I stay I am going to be resentful and even if she comes over tomorrow and has sex with me it will feel like either pity sex or desperation sex. But I know ending this will be punishing her for something that isn't her fault either.'

''She might as well have taken a gun out and shot me, it couldn't have hurt anymore. I just drop my head and begin to cry.''

Say what?
 
#14
lol that was the whole point in this loooooooooooooooooooooooong explanation. this isn't about her being with someone else. dunno why, but i suspect he may even be lying about her being with someone else for points.
I don't see it that way. Him making this about sex is simply his way of expresssing his suffering both emotional and physical. He is a guy. Sex signifies her complete trust in him which he had before the incident. Until she has sex with him she clearly doesn't trust him given that she's already done it with someone else.

What makes you think he lying aboutthe other guy. Couldn't it happen?

How bad do you think it is for a guy to have his girlfriend raped and go through all that? He says it makes him feel like shit because he couldn't protect her. Further more, everyone has been caring for the girl , who's been looking out for him? This man already has mega points and doesn't need to lie to get more.
 
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#16
Why do you guys want to deduce all this hekaya to this single point "I'm just tired of not having sex"??
Going by the story, it clearly is more than that.

Ion that reclaiming power thingy for rape victims by having sex with anyone (doesn't matter) .. Eye-opening.
 
#18
Why do you guys want to deduce all this hekaya to this single point "I'm just tired of not having sex"??
Going by the story, it clearly is more than that.

Ion that reclaiming power thingy for rape victims by having sex with anyone (doesn't matter) .. Eye-opening.
fuc.k that, she fucked a random guy without protection when she had a man who stood by her longer than most would
 
#19
He should have dumped her the moment she cheated on him, he is too nice a guy, not having sex is not a big deal, but going ahead and cheating while the guy is holding you with kid gloves? Mr. Nice Guy,think straight man
you need to look out for part 2 n 3 coming up shortly, total wimp i tell you
 

Ice_Cube

Village Chief
#20
you need to look out for part 2 n 3 coming up shortly, total wimp i tell you

It gets worse? Even though am not the most faithful guy around, if you cheat on me you walk, if you find out I cheated on you, you can walk if you decide to stay doesn't mean I will stay around when you cheat on me;Yeah you can say double standards but I don't care
 
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