Kuna mwaka dry spell ilinipiga hii Nairobi. Nilikuwa so single such that nikajipata nikiota Nikiwa Father. When I woke up I was terrified. I started asking all my female friends out, and all of them kept telling me the same thing; “You are like a friend to me”. Some- “You are like a brother to me”. Kwanza Kuna mmoja ashawai niambia “You are like a class rep to me”.
So I decided to go to church, for the first time in 6 months I went to church, because this had become a spiritual something. Even the bible says it is not good for a man to live alone. On Sunday I wore my only native shirt, I ironed it 4 times, inside and outside; complete with starch.
I got to church and saw many girls, and one very fine girl. She was the usher that directed me to my sit. Very beautiful Kikuyu chic, complete with all the kikuyu girls package- light-skinned, open teeth and complete with sexy legs. This has to be her.
During offering, she brought the offering basket to me, I dipped my hand in my pocket to pull out the 100 bob I budgeted for offering. That was how my hand mistakenly pulled my last 1000 shilling note instead. I looked at her, she was smiling at me; and in a split second of confusion and possession by the evil spirit, I dropped the 1000 bob into the offering basket. I felt defeated, useless… But then she smiled at me; and I felt good again.
After church service I approached her, and didn’t have to talk much before she gave me her number…. I was sure she was impressed by my generous offering. It’s money… kikuyu chic! So I took my Blessing home, I mean her number. Her name was Sarah.
I started texting her, hitting all the right spots and her responses were very encouraging, I asked her out and she said she would think and pray about it, that I should give her some days. I said ok.
After three days, she called and said she has decided on what to do, but she wanted to tell me her answer in person. Ah, that’s great, Atleast a little celebratory sex after she said yes wouldn’t be bad. But she insisted I came to her house. That’s even better! Afterall away goals count better than goals scored at home. That was how I saddled my horse and went to her place. Put on my best shirt, well ironed my trouser and ofcourse I didn’t forget to carry two condoms too…. You never can tell who could get lucky.
So I got to her place. A residential compound. I got to the door, I almost couldn’t see the door as it was plastered with all sorts of church stickers. From 2003 till date all complete. My heart started beating faster. I knocked and a voice came from inside-
“Please enter in Jesus name”.
I was stiff for a while, then I summoned enough courage to enter. The first thing I saw when I entered was one very big Jesus poster, with Jesus looking straight into my eyes. I turned to greet the person I met inside-It was the pastor of last Sunday.
“Ah, wrong house Sir”, I said and made to turn back before I heard Sarah’s voice from inside
“No Kinyanjui it’s the right house”.
She came out to meet me in the living room. I greeted the pastor and greeted her. She introduced the pastor to me as her father.
So we were all in her living room together. Sarah, her pastor father, and I… Watching a sermon on the TV. I had to nod my head as if the message was sinking in. When they say “praise God” my hallelujah was loudest! God saved me, I almost got born again. Then her dad decided to “lighten the mood” when he turned to me to ask questions.
Pastor: So what do you say your name is son?
Me: Kinyanjui sir. Kinyanjui Sokomtu.
Pastor: Are you a student?
Me: Yes sir
Pastor: What do you study?
Me: Civil Engineering and the word of God Sir.
Pastor: Hmmmm that’s nice. So what’s your best meal?
Me: Bread without yeast sir.
Pastor: That’s great! What’s your best drink?
Me: Beetroot juice sir, because it’s red like the blood of Jesus sir.
Pastor: That’s good. How’s your spiritual life? How many times do you go to church?
Me: Sundays and Wednesdays sir.
I lied.
Pastor: What? That’s terrible. If you want me to be happy with you, you have to attend the Tuesday prayer meeting and the Thursday worker’s meeting too! And you have to fast on those days ok???
Me: Yes sir I will sir.
Then he finally stood up and left Sarah and I alone. Sarah was quite happy. She came up to me and said-
“wow I’m so happy Kinyanjui I didn’t know you were this spiritual. I’ve been searching for a guy who will take the work of the Lord serious and not these types that will ask for something as ungodly as a kiss”.
Boom! Wrong address. I knew I was at the wrong place with the wrong girl. Nilisimama nikajifanya venye nikona haraka
“Ah Brother Kinyanjui won’t you even hear my answer again?”, She asked.
“No dear not now I need to pray about it”, I responded as I left, Sijawai Rudi uko tena.