I used to regard myself as a savvy, worldly-wise mjanjez who could not be tricked or caught using the common tricks around but, well, as they say it – Nilijua sijui! This is my story….
The culture of partying has never been into me but on 24th November last year, a close workmate had a wedding and subsequently invited us to a wedding after-party/dinner at Safari Park Hotel. I had no choice but to attend.
At the party, I sat at a corner table where I could scan the room and ogle at the beauties around unnoticed. But woe betide me as the empty seat on my left was shortly occupied by a guy whose breath smelt like rotten eggs and a sort of horrid combination of stagnant sewer and dirty socks. The left seat was taken by a Kisii chap (he kept shouting in his mulika mwizi phone – [I]‘Sagwa sagwa Kemunto. Imbuya muno’[/I]). The guy’s face was so heavily unshaven and he smelt as bad as a vulture’s breath! - I guess they were the invited guests from uko Kisii.
Pheew! While still floating in the potpourri of pungent smell and being literally choked, luck happened. A beautiful slay-queen wearing this bias-cut lime green dinner dress walked straight to the empty seat across our table. The dress swirled around her drop-dead gorgeous figure, hugged her perfect curves and then cut away to reveal this long sexy brown legs. She was a sparkling beauty! A beauty to behold! A hint of spicy, sexy perfume wafted over our table…a breath of fresh air, literally.
The girl wore this softest smile I’ve ever chanced upon, slight make-up, five feet tall and a figure that could even make Lupita Nyong’o feel uneasy at her company. All the time she sat there, there is no single second that I did not stare at her. I mean, there was something magnetic and ethereal about her…
Severally she looked at me and found my gaze fixed on her. She blushed, fidgeted and then stared at her phone. The Ping-Pong game of staring and blushing continued for several minutes before she eventually nerved up, maintained a face and then smiled at me. Eeeew! You should have seen me smile back!
From that time on, we exchanged knowing glances and subtle non-verbal cues. Then, as if from nowhere, the popular ‘ODI dance’ song by Timeless Noel boomed from the speakers. The girl shot up and believe it or not, beckoned me to the dancing area. Now, everybody knows that I am music deaf, possess two right legs and a waist made of steel…but man, this was no ordinary moment. I jumped up and extended my hand to her. Swear, the girl flowed on the dance-floor like water! She swayed her hips like a non-sense… She was a dancer par excellence!
That close, I just loved her ways the more, her dance moves, her everything….Call it what you will but this was pure love at first sight…While catching our breath after the dance marathon, I struck a conversation with her, just to know her better. She introduced herself as Asha, a student at the University of Nairobi taking Actuarial Science.
[I]“Ooh! So you are a mathematician[/I].” I ventured. [I]“Yeah. Kind of…And you, what do you do?”[/I] Asha chirped. [I]“A dentist[/I]” I offered, “[I]Ooh... I actually guessed right. I thought you looked like a doc.”[/I] She chirped again, [I]“Perhaps. And you look like…[/I].” How do you flirt an angel doing Actuarial Science? ”[I]You look like a STAR!”[/I]
Asha blushed and smiled sexily…From my fisiology assessment, everything seemed right, the chemistry was there. After an hour or so, we exchanged phone contacts as we parted promising to keep in touch.
The next day, I started off with the usual casual message to Asha. She replied with a string of sexy messages that actually made me weak in the knees. It escalated quickly! Before long, we started meeting for hot dates. My December was pure bliss! Mmmh… It was phenomenal!
Mmmh! BTW, who teaches these young chics how to capture men with those extra-arousing bliss tricks? Asha soaked me in this simmering passion and made me a prisoner of her love…I remember one night while chilling with her at an undisclosed location, Asha grabbed my hand and led me to the balcony where she proceeded to unbutton my trousers and peeled them off. She lathed my body with massage oil and then started to seduce me until I couldn’t hold it anymore. She commenced at my head…running her fingernails through my hair followed by hot sucking through the body. We then had this great sloshy sex…so hot(clichéd as that may sound) at the balcony - the wind, the cool air and the stars up in the sky made the whole thing totally unreal…the smoking hot sexual escapades are still etched in my mind.
All along, I took extra caution not to be caught by my wife who is known to pull out the most extraordinary moves when angry.
Now, on 23rd December, I got a message from my sweet Asha requesting for airtime. Who am I deny my angel her right? I quickly send her the requested credo. Now, what surprised me was the fact that she did not acknowledge receipt of the same, as it was her norm.
Later on in the evening while chilling at home after work, I kept wondering what happened to Asha…no message, no call! Was anything amiss with her? Curiosity got the better of me, I decided to send her an SMS to confirm if she was OK.
Shortly, my phone beeped. It was from Asha with the terse message – ‘Call me ASAP’. The message tone indicated that there was something wrong with my love. I got out to make the call amidst awkward glances from wifey.
Outside, I quickly made the call and man, I couldn’t believe my ears! “Ulifikiria sitakushika? Mjinga hii…Malaya msenge wewe…utanitambua leo!” My wife’s infuriated voice thundered from the phone’s ear piece! Sweat jetted from every pore in my body! Sema kushikwa! Ladies and gentlemen, my mpango wa kando relationship lid had been blown wide open. I was a cornered man…
I took a deep breath and like a wounded lion tucked my tail between the tail and decided to go lick my wound and reflect at our kalocal pub.
This is what happened, kumbe somebody had tipped my wife about my relationship with Asha. Unbeknown to me, wifey had blocked and deleted Asha’s number from my phone and saved her number as Asha. Such a simple trick!
What happened next is a story for another day…