Habari zenu, Gosh si nimewamiss!! ;):D…
So I’ll just get right into it and ask for your opinions; especially if you’ve found yourself in this situation before. My best friend and I had a “moment” this past Saturday night which has left me at a weird spot with so many questions and stress creeping at the back of my mind.
He and I have been friends since childhood and have become very good/close/best friends. I consider him my ‘go-to’ person whenever I have life issues bugging me and he’s always got the right answers. He knows everyone in my family in detail and is like a brother my siblings and I; he at one time used to stay with my brother but moved to his own place when he got another job. He knows almost everything about my family and I his. He knows most things I do, who I’ve dated, knows what I like, when I’m stressed up hell, he’s met and interacted with my previous boyfriends and all has been cool…Yaani, ni boyz wangu; my day 1 person (relation - platonic; always has been).
My actual birthday day was on Monday last week and the boring person that I am likes to have such days to myself; not making a big fuss over it but its only people who are close to me that know - or those that actually take knowing me as their hobby…
Monday, job kama kawaida…two or three calls, one from a recent Ex wishing me a great day. He (best friend) calls at around 21:00hours and does his bit too, nothing special, nimezoea. Friday he calls and says we can have dinner at his place with his friends who happen to be mine too. Since ni boyz wangu, I didn’t even put much thought into dressing up. These are people that i knew, he lives not so far from my place and I’ve been to his place severally dressed up so bad coz we cool like that.
I get there Sato night, help out with the cooking and dishes coz I’m used to that. He kept objecting but I’d brush off his comments by “Kwani leo Sweety umekuwa mpoa aje, ata hutaki nioshe vyombo, is this you?” He’d say “Unajua the occasion is for you so you need to be treated right.” We call each other sweety from kitambo - everyone knows and the two of us know its just a name. My ex had an issue with it but I told him to trust me. He (bff) had his relationships which I knew of & we’d talk about our lives in these rships so many times.
At the ‘party’ with friends all was okay, drinks, food, music, cake, snacks and all that there was to ‘celebrating me’ was in place. Girl was having the time of her life! It got to around 2.30am, still sober and alert , wine hadn’t set in, dancing the night away with friends but mostly with best friend. I remember some guy puked all over the place and unfortunately the some of it got to my blue top so bff had to give me a t-shirt. We head to his bedroom and I look for the shirt myself (that’s just how we are) and I get one. He was just standing beside me looking at how full his bed was- occupied by several people who were already tired. Suddenly I just felt him touch my hand, then my face. I really can’t remember how we got to the door but we slammed it shut and shared a long, deep, passionate, perfect, long awaited 5-minute kiss with the lights off. The heavy heads were deep asleep I don’t think anyone heard anything. It was just that…A KISS and slight touching which made me mourn with so much pleasure. I knew this was weird coz he’s my bff but it felt so right and honest and even with thoughts of how crazy this is…I still allowed it to happen…it felt like something I really needed… Lets just say I’ve never been kissed like that before…
We break it off and he leaves the room and I stay at that spot for another minute wondering what happened. I was now 100% sober and shaking with confusion - but feeling so DARN good!! (which leaves me more confused). I get an unoccupied spot at the bed and lie there looking for sleep which took too long to knock me out. Early morning I wake up and find myself covered, him sited next to me with face in his hands we don’t talk much (I just ask him whether we’re gonna talk about whatever this is and he says we will) , he moves closer - kisses me again…i don’t object…I kiss back and hours later I leave for home without saying a word.
The thing is I’m so much confused and I don’t know what to make of all this. Should I be angry at myself for enjoying that moment? I loved every bit of it but then again he’s just my friend and this makes things so weird. We haven’t talked since…and I’m scared of what will follow. I don’t want to lose the friendship and I don’t think I can lose him too…I also don’t want a relationship…and I freakin’ don’t know what he wants too! he picks me up from work most times but I texted him I’ll work late…(lie)…coz I don’t know how to confront this.
So what now? Your SANE advise will be highly appreciated. Nitaiweka ndaani ndaaani ndaaaani wa akili.
