Back in highchool, we had this Deputy Principal, an old short man who was the most intimidating person I have ever met. You see, he breathed fire, snorted out dark smoke and when he spoke, it was rapid bullets.
He was subject to a lot of group discussions when the poems he gave us proved too cryptic for anyone: no one had a slight idea what they were on. We always wondered what went on in his mind, but mostly on his witty comments that were ready for every moment that he breathed.
We often imagined him sitted at midnight, in a candle’s light, a dictionary in one hand and a notebook in the other furiously scribbling his next witty comments. It was either that or he had a copy of ‘The great book of sweeps’ that he crammed several pages before he went to sleep, that is if he slept at all. No one was sure he even slept!
He made us his sport and ‘swept’ us without batting an eyelid or even smiling.
In the morning he would wake us with “I smell porvety” or “Cobblers, doctors are in class!”
Sleeping in his class lead to “I hope you dreamt a Big E was chasing you” or “Don’t ever let your wife see you asleep, you are so ugly when you sleep.”
A stupid answer got “Is that pimple above your neck supposed to be your head?” Or/and “You don’t need 4 legs to be a cow”
Roaming outside during classtime evoked "Is your class raining? Followed by “I would like to leave you with a thought but I am not sure you have anywhere to put it”
Standing in class and you would get “Are you confusing your legs for your ass or what?”
The others I recall were “You are not the best thing to happen to mankind since sliced bread and I bet your skull is only for carrying your teeth.”
Now I meant to give an Hekaya on what happened during KCSE at my time and how the bugger beat us and went on to charge us for it! (First for making his muscles ache and then for the cable that he destroyed while caning us.) then say ‘best wishes to those that have candidates’ but this is getting too long. Best Wishes to those who have candidates. And Candidates @Mosa
You haven’t even heard the good ones people.
Any stupid act and he was like “The good old man (God), must have dozed off while creating your brain.”
Wearing marvins was also against the rules so if you wore one you got “I think you are a cow, you only lack a tail…remove that pumpkin on your head”
Walking around in slippers was a mortal sin : “the world is not one big bathroom so stop walking around in slippers”
Non uniform was abomination. He would see you with one on and it lead to “Or perhaps there is something you know that we don’t? That maybe there is some arsonist about so you had to wear your whole wardrobe?”
Not taking a shower was even worse. "You stink…be glad you don’t smoke because if you lit a matchstick you would set yourself ablaze.