OK aaaassss Leo ni UROGI: Warogi Wa Nollywood Vs Kenya!!!

If there is something that amazes me in Kenya its urogi na uchawi, and it sounded so phenomenal, right until the point Nollywood got into the Kenya; Kenya’s ascendancy to uchawi really gets tenuous at this juncture.
When they start inoking sijui Ovoko and sijui what in Nollywood…and the magic spells hahahaha…u know things are getting real with people disappearing and stuff!! lol…
One interesting factoid about myself is that I think Yoruba was the first language I learnt.
Last year I was speaking to one of my good cousins and he made me to laugh alot. The first time I arrived in Kenya, I was fairly young, but I knew a little English, and probably slightly more Yoruba, because I guess our maid had been a Yoruba speaking person I suppose, and ZERO kiswahili.
I can’t remember what we were speaking about, but somehow it brought us back to the short period after we arrived in Nairobi. Co-incidentally that was around the very first time that he himself had come to Nairobi. He said he kame from Ushago, with one pair of slippers that clearly had seen much better days, so my Dad hooked him up with his first pair of shoes and he has never walked with his chest puffed out more than he did on that day.
At around that time somebody said something in my mother tongue, which, who knows what it meant because I understand very little and speak virtually none. Perhaps the hodge podge of languages I was been confounded with during those formative years were essentially anything but my mother tongue, and thus stirred up lexical incongruencies within my northbound VAT.
So my cousin, who is now a Lawyer, started laughing when I asked what somethiing meant. He said I reminded him of the first time he met me as a kid. I was perplexed…huhhh??? he said that I used to get very mad and was constantly asking people “what is that?”, “what does that mean?”, and the distress in my eyes was real, of course because, being Kenya, they were conversing in Kiswahili.
Everytime we visited my Uncle’s place he would always call me Odabo or something, and I was always very puzzled. My mum’s brother is an interesting guy. At that time he was Minister for something but I don’t remember one. He had essentially been a prominent Kenyatta Cabinet Minister from 64 till Kenyatta died, and he must have been in the good books for Kenyatta, because he probably had Ministered 7 or so Ministries, some concurrently under Kenyatta, and few with Moi, then retired. One day I asked my mum then she explained, and only then did it make any sense.
When he described how I was behaving, I knew he was speaking the truth, because to this day, I am exaclty that way. Especially in high school, those teachers who were more inclined towards putting everybody to sleep, especially for the few catastrophically grueling afternoons they jinxed it, and served ugali for lunch, geez, while mumbling and day dreaming; they got really irked by me, because I asked a whole ton of questions when something didn’t make sense to me, and many were not easy questions, or were flat out weird.
So , In form 1 Chemistry, that KIE Chemistry book spoke about generating some electro chemmical activity, or electrolysis, or something, I can’t remember preecisely what, but there was some dilute sulphuric acid, some electrodes, then something about positively charged hydrogen ions, negatively charged sulphate ions, and something, and other things etc. Anyway, the Form 2 Physics Book by Patel, dark greenish in color I believe, did have essentially the same components that was being described in the form 1 Chemistry by KIE(was that the word??), as was the experiment; however they called this liquid “acidified water” in the Physics Book. I was befuddled, and proceeded to raise my hands to disambiguate the seemingly voodooish feeling the terminologies evoked in me. Rumor has it that this fella, who was a Luhya Man, and looked like an athlete, had been sent to our school on a P.E. internship, and somehow, he found himself on the opposite side of the quadrangle in the Physics Laboratory with a white lab coat! Nobody ever got a conclusive answer about what it is that had exactly transpired that had him in a white labcoat with a lit bunsen burner in his right hand.
My question was: “What is the difference between dilute sulphuric acid and acidified water?”…response… “ZUZUZU you need to stop asking this stupitt kweshens, or I will Pan you with this Pansen Pana OK!!!”…I quickly nodded my head in approbation, because the look on his face suggested he was dead serious, and my intellectual curiosity, throttled down to 0% for the rest of the lesson.
Anyway, where were we? Oh, the original thought was about urogi, and the Nollywood caused me to digress.
I got 3 uchawi scenarios, or tentatively so, from Kenya as examples. The first one was the scariest of course, as you will soon find out, and pertains to the Kambas. One day in Standard 3 we arrived home for lunch. We were told that next door in my pal’s place, their maid had hung herself, and that my big bro, who had First Aid Training from St. John’s Ambulance, was administering CPR, so we dashed there. I don’t know if any of you have observed CPR on someone who really needed it right infront of your eyes, because what I saw and heard, has absolutely NOT an iota of semblance to which we see on TV. Being in class 3 or so, we already had enough horror being struck right down our young spines by the venerated Tahamaki!! The girl was probably give or take, 17 to 19 years old, and she was lying on her back, thin plaited lines, pink dress with these black flowers. It was almost 30 years ago but I remember it very clearly, because I have never been freaked out like that! My bro was doing chest compressions(OOOhhhh btw people…it is actually likely more COUNTERINTUITIVE in most cases to blow in air mouth to mouth, from a physics stand point, and actually wastes sometime, save for an infinitesimal scale of corner case scenarios). On the intake cycle there was a LOUD whistling sound, and on the breathe out cycle, there was a loud deep base like rumbling, kinda like those loud farts boys and men love squeezing out at 10000Hz, and that sequence just kept going with those crazy noises, and I don’t know if there was saliva or what coming out of her mouth. I don’t know if she was alive or dead at that point. From that day, you will never find me in a funeral I don’t have to be at. It’s not too easy to explain tacitly the feeling of it, but it was scary!!! So she died eventually, or was already dead by that time, I just don’t know. From looking online the whistling sound, is typically indicative of labored breathing with partial occlusion of the airway, but I am not sure if thats the entirety in scope for the whistling, or if a dead body would mechanically produce those sounds as a function of the mechanical forces that are in play.
Apparently, she had hang herself using a lessoh, chair, probably to prop her up to get in position, then the rod that you hang clothes on in a closet. My young NOSY ASS was trying to visualize whether or not that rod would support a suspended human being, because I maybe might hazard the lady was perhaps 105 ro 110 or so pounds give or take.
The case was taken to court, and of course my big bro was one of the witnesses. There were all sorts of rumors and what not, but I think it was established she was pregnant. Towards the end of the case, the Judge turned their head looked straight at my friends Dadk, and said this; Ummmmh huhhh so it looks like you will get away with this? The question was rhetoric of course.What reminded me of this case was Msando’s case. I had mentioned quite abit Msando’s case, and the puzzles I was looking at, and everybody swore I was OBSESSED; I was not, that is how I think. I am sure many of you have heard of the expression “overanalyzing” things. Often time, that is a subjective observation, that people miscontrue for objectivity. Using a quick example to make my point, go to a random person walking along Tom Mboya, and ask them to describe a migraine; and then after that head towards Upper Hill direction to KNH, and ask a physician to describe a migraine. Its all but certain you hardly found an ounce of any sort of meaningful nexus between the two responses; both are fairplay contextually.
Anyway, the interesting part was when the autopsy for Msando and Ngumbu were done. It was established Msando died from manual stranglulation, thanks to the finding about the broken hyoid bone, which is indicative, of forceful pressure applied by a relatively pointed object such as your fingers, and the crushed trachea. Strangulation is diffiult because its not very easy to completely block off the trachea, and more so if someone is fighting back, because for one you are using maximum force, and two, during the course of movement, odds are that precious oxygen makes it into the pulmonary phases and thence northbound via the carotid artery to the vestibule up there. Ngumbu’s was ruled ligature stranglulation, thanks to the ligature markings imprinted on her neck during the process of “expiring her”…lol…
This one was noteworthy because, I asked myself remembering the case from childhood, and wondered if in that maid’s case, the witness narratives mentioned ligature strangulation, where as the forensic examination revealed manual strangulation such as if , say the hyoid bone were broken, and trachea crashed, to cause the judge to tell the man “he had gotten away with it” , in this instance suggesting it was an "unprovable homicide to the requisite beyond reasonal doubt extent " and the guy walks; alternatively, the manner of death, perhaps was indeed ligature strangulationk, but that extenuating factors appeared to suggest, suicide resultant from action of the accused, basically pushing the girl to kill herself. I actually re-asked my bro that question, and wanted to find out which was the case.

Rumor that time round is that the mother of the Maid was so distraught at the death of her angel girl, she cursed whoever was responsible to watch each and every one of their children die. Interestingly, maybe about 7 years ago, 3 of 4 of the kids, including my friend perished in less than 1.5 years. All concerned parties in that case were Kambas.
Case Number 2: This is another mysterious one, and actually indirectly involved my big sister. She finished high school, some guy was hitting on her, and they used to hang out, going to various places close by to enjoy themselves I guess. This guy was not from the area, and the idlers from the area, and we all know youmg men excel at such behavior, the local boys were actingl like huyo ni dem wetu, huyu msee anathania yeye ni nani? Yet none of them, could put two and two to get her a Ball Gum or Big G. So 4 to 5 of them decided to create some disturbance. They went about the place my sidter and the guy were steated, and committed jack asses, they proceeded to do an exhibition of their shenanigans, and were ignored for the better part.
Eventually it was time to go, and my sister and the guy well, left. They didn’t realize those 5 or so guys were trailing them. At some point maybe about 300 or so meters from our house then, they approached my my sister and the guy. The ring leader of the morons proceeded to whack that guy very hard on the side of his waist the stick broke, but he blocked the second blow with his arm. Somehow, they ended on walking on, but on reaching our place, the guy ensured my sister had entered the house, and told her he needed to take care of something. He was in fact a Private Detective. It is not clear what really happened at this point, but one of those guys ended up with a huge stab wound in the abdomen, but the weapon was never found. So the case dilly dallied and swang this way and that way and was closed out for inability of the case to be proven with no weapon, and essentially he said she said as witness testimony. The guy had died by morning. The guy who died, lived next door to a Kamba family, and apparently his antics extremely repulsed that Kamba Mum, and apparently , as you had guessed, alirogwa akakufa!
Case Number 3: This one is on the Luhya Side.
A certain young man contracts a cancerous growth somewhere on the leg, and having been ruled benign, was isolated, and surgically removed. Ubeknownst the sneaky mini-bastards had snuck further up that wasn’t noticed. So he started developing a lot of problems, as well as pain, and at some point a leg had to be amputated, and he had simultaneously acute and chronic, meaning, though I am not even sure if such a summation is valid, that is there was extreeme pain that was persistent. After a couple years he died, and that’s when the underworld of Kenya quickly swung into action. Apparently, during them matanga, the ladies were doing ile kuota moto. There were two men, who if one of them had corroborated the story, there might be a valid reason to accept the proposition, but neither witnessed it. For the rest, it was convoluted voodoo. So apparently, this guy the Dad is running for a prominent MP Seat, as the wachawi affiliated to the opponent cast their spells. They had this lady they called a medium, and I am sorry I just cannot accept this things but this was the spill; she could apparently cast demons out , and remove knives, scissors, and all manner of contraptions that were wedged in people’s abdomens through yet more uchawi. At about this point in even the Ovokos and so forth in Nollywood really gotta step up their game to remain abreast. So , what happsens as they ota moto, that lady was envisaged by the ghost of the deceased and she spoke in the deceased voice, and detailed he had been rogwad by the goons of the opponent to the MP Seat, and that in fact one person in that gathering otaing moto was an agent of the opponent to the MP Seat. Needless to mention, this fella escaped by a tiny waft of hair, for what might have been yet another matanga to be planned.
So in light of the foregoing, what is your verdict on our uchawi and urogi in Kenya?
And for anyone who has been fortunate , or unfortunate to venture Lagos, as I got to do as a kid, spill the beans.
At the end of the day, what is the verdict on uchawi and urogi.
I detailed all the respective narratives but my mental Kernel can’t stomach the implicit non-siquitor that phantasmal viruses can get instantiated ex nihilo and subsequently proceed to modulate the corporeal…

enyewe wewe ni fala, you think tutasoma hii yote?

Warrathis?
Ile gif ya sijasoooma ikwom

Maybe before speaking through the vagina in your oral cavity, you might at some point realize no one told you to read anything take your cunt the fuck off my wall you piece of shit…and quit acting like a stinking a pussy malaya wewe.

Fuck off my wall you stinking cunt. Nobody invited or asked you to read anything. Malaya wewe shenzi kubwa.

Dimz, you know even a thesis has an abstract

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I exist in the concrete.

HATUSOMI NA HATUSOMI NGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I gotta take a sh1t urgently; Open your mouth wide open mmmmhhhhh; thank you. Kula shonde.

BADO HATUSOMI NGOMBE

Malaya wewe peleka kuma yako nyumbani. Nani alikuuliza usome kitu mbwa wewe. Peleka hiyo senye iko kwa mdomo yako kwenyu…Acha ukahaba on peoples walls peleka umalaya nyumbani kwenu

BOSS UTAELEWA AJE NIKISEMA HATUSOMI? NA SENYE NI KITU POA AMA UNA PREFER MKIA? FALA WEWE

Ndio hii jinga…
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To the particularly male with cunts inside their mouths, in the habit of licking doodoo from people’s rectums, if you get two messages from me, and they are fuck you messages, for the whoring cunt that you are, IGNORE is invoked. Anything you ever post with your Whorish personna will never be visible to me.

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Bro ya Makena unasumbua wakubwa on this beautiful fall morning

Hehehe kumbe hii form four ndio inatusumbua. Ati get off my wall:D you think this is facebook? Ferk outta here fala dush @Dimz Fala kwenda ukasomee KCSE

Jifunze kuosha kuma kabla uongee na mtu yeyote na matako pia … I spoke to you before and your cunt is still spewing filth here and you still havent cleaned your cunt coz it stinks horribly… mimi siyo customer…Kama wewe ni malaya wa kutombwa matako osha hiyo matako kwanza iache kunuka mavi na hiyo senye inanuka sewage…take your stinking vagina and your leaking anus from being fucked in the ass daily to whichever whoring anal orifice that shitted you into being after getting screwed in the anus by five dicks for a shilling and dumped you in Koinange street…to teach your cunt of a mouth how to clean the the other stinking cunt between your legs …and give you a calendar to remind you that you can’t let your PMS stinking filth piled up in your cunt for a month plus the only granny underwear U got that never gets washed for a month either…Kama umefukuzwa kazi Sabina Joy na K Street…enda ufungue kibanda Kawangware upeleke ukahaba huko utombwe matako na senye chafu for shillingi tano siyo kwa wall yangu…and get the anal whore that shitted you into this world teach you better whoring techniques …afterall anal whoring brought you into this world…ur a little rusty…
That’s the last message you will get from me…you are on the IGNORE list and anything beyond here I will never see…so fukk off stinking kumanina

I’m gonna be honest with you, I didn’t read any of this crap coz I’m not trying to lose IQ points right now. Like I said ferk outta here na usiwahi niquote tena meffi