Oleweru chronicles

On Saturday, Kafro and I had gone to a wedding of an old friend somewhere in Juja. We had failed to attend any committee meetings for the wedding, and had thus been allocated odd duties at the reception, duties which ensured that we had no chance of interacting with the buriful persons at the wedding. The only people we were interacting with there ni watu wa sound, mara mtu wa hema na viti, and also anyone who wanted to be shown where to relieve themselves were pointed to our direction to show them. In the evening when other attendees were going for the after party, we couldn’t fit into that crowd, and instead decided to go to bypass for mugithi.
The first place we stopped was quite packed, but we found some parking and Kafro told me to check for him as he reverse parked the car. I went behind the car and started signalling him with the hand saying ‘rudi, rudi tu, space kubwa babaa, rudi’…in a split of a second, i saw a yello yellow pass right beside me speaking on phone, shaking her sudus allilobit to the tune of the mugithi inside. Because it is well known that men can’t multitask, 80% of my attention went to the yello yellow’s sudus, 19% went to the thighs and only 1% was left to the hand signalling Kafro to continue reversing. 100% attention returned to Kafro when i heard a scratching sound…and just like that, Kafro had scratched a Prado parked next.
By the time he was insulting me ati ‘malaya hii si unani-signal tu nirudi,’ i was already back in the car, telling him to speed off before the owner of the Prado comes, or the soja there notes what had happened. We took off like those of miraa. You know Kafro’s car has more scratches than cd za dj afro, such that ata akigwarwa na gari kwa jam huwa hafungui kioo kuzusha. He says hasara kwako. So kama sato ulikuwa bypass mugithi na ulipata scratch kwa prado yako, ilikuwa ni sisi haki…lakini si carelessness, ni macho ilikuwa inacaress yello yellow. (Kasabun feel free to steal that line in your next single).
So finally, we went to another place where there was equally good mugithi, being played by a singer called Wamakagary. Whoever named him that will not see heaven even small. We settled down, and after several fobes, Kafro, as usual removed his phone and started scrolling. When he does that, he texts about 5 persons asking them where they are, and shortlists them depending on the distance they are from where he is, to minimize the cost of uber. This always works for him, and that is why nowadays we call him ‘The King Beyond the Wall’… The ‘wall’ in this case is that small piece of clothing that deny many men a happy ending, when it fails to come out. The inventor of that clothing still burns in hell to date.
So after some time, Kafro smiled as he handed me his phone to read a whatsapp msg. The msg read; ‘ata tuko tao na my best friend so unless nikam na yeye juu siezi muacha’… the msg was followed by a confirmation pic of her and the friend somewhere in a hotel. Before i even asked which of the two was the friend or wharefa, I replied the msg saying, “kuja tu na yeye no problem, chukueni uber nitalipa.”
When i asked Kafro of the probability of me seeing canaan from the friend, he told me with a convincing tone; ‘ikiwa yeye ni kama rafiki yake, akikunyima wewe jua hajaskia nini umeitisha…so uitishe louder.’
When he finished saying that, i called a waiter who was passing by and told her to bring Kafro 3 cold ones in appreciation.
We continued listening to mugithi, with Wamakagary now singing very dirty mugithi, the one for adults. It really helps one to start a conversation with a persons, especially for people like me who have a weakness in throwing lines to buriful persons. It remains one of my biggest weaknesses, only second to speaking fluent English of nose. When i meet a buriful persons speaking English of nose, i usually know that’s a GG for me to fail.
After about 1 hour, Kafro texted them and they said they had reached TRM. After another 30mins, they said they were almost, and they told Kafro to send money to pay the uber. Kafro said no problem Maisha ni Mpesa TU and sent 1500, which we agreed to split half-half.
After another 30mins, they said kuna lori imeweka jam ndio wako karibu. After that, calls stopped being picked. Kafro called 13 times back to back, and i also took the number and desperately called 11 times but no response. I could look at the phone dial hoping it will be received, nikiwa nimekaza kama vile jana watu walikuwa wamekazia GG ya Asenali. In total, we called her twedi four times but where?
Tulitoka hapo 3am after realizing we were being carried baby in the cold, by probably mtu ako kwa blanketi or maybe receiving kigongi somewhere.
From there until home, we didn’t talk to each other, and Kafro went insulting any vehicle that overtook him or burnt his eyes with headlights. In my mind i went thinking; the owner of that prado we scratched must be a prayerful man, who leaves his battles to be fought for him by the heavens.
Lakini sending mpesa before seeing a person rife rife is like building on riparian land. Ni hasara tu kama kuwekelea Asenal bet.

Nice hekaya but you dint have to tell us your number one weakness coz by then… :smiley:

Heheeeeee uwache kutype ukiwa mlevi ,nimeelewa lakini ngoja tu hapo wanakam na maswep

@this is hard uko mulefi .

@this is hard for you to understand

Nimecheka hadi nikapata balancing tears… esp this line…“You know Kafro’s car has more scratches than cd za dj afro,”

I think mwanamke akikudai fare mwambie atumie yake you will refund. Its a good insurance policy

[SIZE=3]Hii kutumia kunguru pesa bure sana…kwani uber couldn’t reach where u were?[/SIZE]

:D:D:D:D:D Uko na ufala sana!

Iko chonjo sana.

Hio kutumiana pesa ya uber ni kucheswa, ungemwambia uber utalipa ikifika wasiworry

Hekaya iliyoiva!

The best hekaya I’ve read of recent times…kudos brother

Pata like.

Ole weru never ceases to amaze.
Ukipandisha mresh uber,pay when the dere arrives and ends the trip. Ngombe yeye.

Really Mutheu? She was probably a cute but broke kunguru.Almost all times, such kungurus need assurance that you’re serious and you’ll pick up your phone when she arrives. Many kungurus have been left at the mercy of Uber drivers when the fisi doesn’t pick up, phone “dies”, gets a prettier kunguru after asking the other one to come, blacks out…soo many scenarios.

I didn’t forsee that.shait.