rant

It’s the sense of rank injustice combined with the sense of self-doubt.
‘How could I have been such an idiot?’
‘After all I did for her, she could somehow find a way to do this to me?’
It’s the pain of losing a friend combined with the loss of self-belief.
‘I miss you. I hate you. I’m such a fool for having fallen for your lies’.
It’s the rage at having your mind taken over by recurrent ruminations.
‘How could she? Fuck, why am I STILL thinking about this?’
It’s the confusion at wondering how you’d react if you ever met her again. There’s the conflict between wanting to be effortlessly superior and over it, realising that people who are over it don’t have such thoughts and that little part of you which still wants a reconciliation.
Then you come back to the thought that SHE DID THIS TO ME! She doesn’t deserve forgiveness. She doesn’t deserve anything. How can I get revenge?
Argh! Why am I STILL angry at this?
It’s a delicious agony at times. You recognise that dwelling on pain is unhealthy but it feels so perversely good to re-run imaginary conversations through your mind, perfecting what it is you would like to have said, perfecting every word, intonation and facial expression.
In time you find a way of stopping the thoughts, of refusing to engage with them, of relaxing around them.
It softens and calms itself. You begin to find that you think of it less and less. At one point you realise that you haven’t thought of it all day.
Then you realise that you just did.
You know you’re almost over it when you realise you just thought of it, again, and smile to yourself.
It’s OK.
It’s almost over.
You’ll think of it again, one day, but it’ll be OK.

Hahaha uliwachwa na girlfriend