Disclaimer: All Bible stories are just that…stories. So for this thread we’re working under the assumption that those fictional events actually took place. Okay, moving on swiftly!
Brethren, our reading today cums…sorre, comes from the book of Genesis 32:22-26 (NIV)
[SIZE=5]22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions.24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”[/SIZE]
Brethren, this is an inspirational story of determination and willpower, of overcoming insurmountable odds. Can I get an amen? Jacob not only fought god, but lived to tell the tale. As we face the various challenges in our lives, let us learn from Jacob. Nothing is impossible with god. Blessed day brethren.
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Okay, that was the Sunday school version of my sermon. Let us really analyze this story. Time for the no BS, adult interpretation guys. You have to be super blind not to see what happened here.
Jacob sends his entire family across the stream so he can remain alone for some reason? Then a stranger appears out of nowhere and they “wrestle” the whole night? You understand what wrestling entails, right? Groaning and grunting, sweating, touching one another in uncomfortable places…and so on. I can understand the women being sent away, given how misogynistic those ancient fuckers were, but why weren’t the 11 sons allowed to watch this “wrestling match”?
Folks, it’s clear what happened here. God gave Jacob an almighty anal pounding. So thorough was the butt pounding, that Jacob broke his hip. Imagine how hard such a fucking had to be for one to break their hip. Or don’t, coz that would be super gay.
Anywho, the two fucked the entire night, with Jacob as god’s whore. In the morning, when god had to leave, because the pesky daylight would make their activities clearly visible to the family on the other side of the stream, Jacob told him “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
I don’t know exactly what kind of blessing he was asking for, but if I had to guess I’d say he was asking god to cum on his face one last time.
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So you see brethren, sex for cash and other material possessions started thousands of years ago. Jacob got a massive, all night anal pounding. He broke his hip and was probably sore for a few weeks…but in return he was given an entire kingdom, with his descendants receiving god’s blessings to this very day.
Folks, the valuable lessons in this story are still applicable even in the 21st century. If your child has a sponyo or is some shosho’s Ben 10, consider that as a blessing because the money and gifts will somehow trickle “up” to you. Who knows, the networks your children build from their whoring might see them get into politics and birth a dynasty that will receive blessings to the nth generation.
Can I get an amen?