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Share Your ALL Time Favorite Jokes

Mzichi

Village Elder
#1
(This One Still Kills Me)

Why I fired my Secretary.


Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.?”
I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment; it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked
 
#8
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

"Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The bear answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on meth!"
 
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kah tony

Village Elder
#14
Husband: Honey pack your bags I won the pools
Wife:OH MY! I'm so excited what should I pack?
Husband: I said, pack your bags I won the pools
Wife:At least let me know where are we going so that I know what to pack?
Husband: Okay, pack your bags and *** off!
 

Mzichi

Village Elder
#17
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Father: Now that you got a new goldfish, you'll have to take care of him
Son: Thanks Dad, what happens if he dies like the last one
Father: We'll invite all your friends for some cake and ice cream to bid him good bye
Son: Can we kill him now Dad?
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
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kah tony

Village Elder
#18
Man parks his Mercedes in a bad neighborhood and kids down the lane ask for a dollar to watch his car. He tells the young boy, "No need for that, I got a Rottweiler in there, see?" Boy peeks and sees a mean looking dog staring back at him. He peers back to the walking gentleman and asks, "Your dog can put out fires then, eh?"
 

Mzichi

Village Elder
#20
You all know LITTLE JOHNY was bound to make an appearance sometime

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”
 

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