I am sitted comfortably in my single room on my bed… In my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. Most of them on how to make a billion shillings before thirty and none of them are about taking any reasonable risk, changing careers or investing the little I have, when I receive the text that marked the beginning of a tumoultous year. “Ebu achana na dame yangu. Tafuta wako or I will make you regret the day you were born.” Went the text. To say it caught me by suprise would be an understatement. It caught me pants down, or it Ndambiri’d me. As far as the accusations were concerned, I was as clean as christ. I had not embarked on people’s wives fucking spree. In fact, the end result was what launched those habits. Had to get even you know.
Not being one to take punches laying down, I immediately called the distressed guy who couldn’t hold his disappointment in ‘our’ girl’s misdemeanors. Apparently, she was referering to my long time girlfriend.
Me: jamaa, unazungumzia msichana yupi wewe?
Him: Naongea kuhusu Grace not her real name acha kujifanya haujui.
Me: Unajuaje anakucheat? Get to the point young man…(I have a habit of calling young men that…young men)
Him: Grace tumedate for a whole year n recently nimekuwa naona you are featuring prominently in her call logs.
Now luckily for me, I am not used to texting and therefore he didn’t have concrete evidence of his girl cheating on him with me. Fact notwithstanding that, while they had dated for a WHOLE year, she had been my girlfriend for FIVE FUCKING YEARS. I decided to make it known to him.
Him: Eti tano? Wachanga za ovyo boss. Uyo dame ni malaya sana. Na nilijua tu kitambo.
Lord!! Could he just stop talking for Christ’s sake! Kama alijua kitambo, what was he confronting me for? Na anaita dame yangu malaya?
Now, in our land, we say love is foolishness. Believe you me, I was convinced by my girl that the guy was just an admirer who was nursing the pains of rejection by my very faithful girlfriend.
We went on to have a lot of sex while demonifying the enemies of our love. How could they? But the honeymoon didn’t last long. It would later dawn on me that regrets are grandchildren…the translation though. And they didn’t wait long before coming.
" I am pregnant, na si yako. I love the father of my child very much. Don’t waste time calling or even coming to my house. All the best", went a text from my Grace.At least she had the courtesy of wishing me a good life without her, after denying me sex for close to six months.
I did not heed her unsolicited advice. I called a million and one times, I visited her house 4,937 times, find it closed 3641 times and the rest of the times she just coldly sent me away. I was drunk with love and I couldn’t accept that it was time to sober up and accept the reality.
When I finally did, she was 4 months pregnant and someone’s wife. The first one I ever banged like I wanted the husband to know who owns the cat. I don’t know women, but what suprised me is that she just turned around her heart and like the unsolicited advice, I enjoyed unsolicited slices and still do, 4 years down the line.
At least she is still paying for all the rent I paid, all the shopping and excursions we went on… She has a long way to go before we are even… She was the love of my life.
