How Kikuyu Men Love…
I was doing three things when news reached my ears that a certain city lawyer had sent Five Hundred zausands Kenya Money to a woman he had never met. I was laying under a tree peacefully digesting roast meat, mukimo and Muratina all consumed on Christmas day. Haaaaaa! Luo men will finish us with these gymnastics. If they are not removing their wives from maternity wards in a convoy of Range Rovers and above kind of vehicles, they are busy attending ruracio’s in helicopters while wearing expensive shoes, sipping on imported frothy drinks and calling Hon. Baba on his private line. Stories Mountain Women will never witness!
But even us, from where I come from, we also have real Kikuyu men who love us, ask me how!
First these our sons dont woo women into relationships. They point at the women they are interested in with their lips, beer bottles, car keys, goat ribs, toothpicks and end at that. No greetings, no conversation but whether you like it or not, you just that know that from that day, you are in a relationship with said pointer. You see, the act of pointing is symbolic. It means that his friends cant point at you neither are they allowed to refer to you by your first name. Me I was pointed with a goat rib and a slice of Ugali at Kamakis.
The pointing- after three months, will proceed to winking and scratching of hands whenever he greets you. Listen sis, the day a Kikuyu man scratches your palm as he greets you, call your mother and tell her to expand his cowpen in readiness for Ruracio.
The first date is always on a Saturday, in some dingy part of town. The said Hotel is always surrounded by several butcheries, MPESA shops with brown attendants- all called shiro, a carwash and a kinyumba which in french translates to your local Sabina Joy. Sis, that man will have you consume goat meat with kachumbari followed by three bottles of Guarana. At this point he introduces to his friends by either scratching his head while smiling or simply saying ’ oneee yes’.
Sis, there is no romance when he wants to hit the first time. He simply invites you to his house, orders fish and cold Heineken from Wakalucy Fish and Carwash. Thereafter he claims to be sleepy and invites you to keep him company in his bedroom. His idea of foreplay is watching DJ Afro on Gikuyu TV. By the time DJ Afro says riiiiggggghtaaaaa, He has already shifted your ovaries and dismantled your knees.
And that is when He finally graduates you to girlfriend status which is signified by the all important date at Kamakis. Sis, if you are dating a Kikuyu man and he has never taken you to Kamakis, please just collect your bras and shoes from his place and leave quietly, for good. It is at Kamakis that he will parade you for all to see, you will even be introduced to Governor 048 Kamau wa Ngogoyo. Listen and listen well, if he has taken you to Kamakis, you are officially married and two things will happen.
One, He will continue shifting your ovaries until you catch pregnancy and when you break the news to him, he will look at you, then look at your stomach and pronounce " Kamau is selling 100 by 100 plots at Kitengela". Sis, that is his way of saying that he accepts responsibilty for the pregnancy.
Two, He will only pay bride price when he is absolutely sure that no piece from your pelvic bone is intact and that your once size 8 waist is now a round lotto tank. News of your marriage will be delivered 5 years later and above on one saturday evening. He will come home with a pen and paper and say, "We Nyina wa wairimu, 40 thousand ni ya chakula, 5 thousand for tents na 2 thousand ni ya wamama wa kufungua gate. Sis, the day he says that, cry loudly, faint even, for on that day, He will have proposed.
Of course he will turn up for his ruracio late and 50% high and when asked to say nice things about his bride, he will look at you and declare to the crowd, "uyu niwe mama wa gwaka- This is the woman of my house. And that sis, will be the first and last day, A Kikuyu man he says he loves you in public and in secret, forever.
What about the money you ask? He will start sending you money that is not school fees or for buying food the day you give birth to his Last born sister in a family of Ten. Those who buy their women Vitz and Proboxes, those ones… when we talk about them, tears fill our eyes, those 32 Men in over 3 Million of them, God will bless them for us!
Chei God! these men sending money without even inspecting the goods, their inner thighs are blessed!