As we all know this is the festive season and a lot of festivities are bound to happen. One thing I dread though is to have my Christmas upcountry. I dread it like a plague, the way those extended family relatives will bug you with their problems that need cash you would be mistaken for an ATM. That is I why hate going there but anyway that’s how we Kenyans are. So last year was the 3rd Christmas we were to celebrate while upcountry. I travelled earlier than my parents since space was limited in the vehicle with other members of the extended family also joining in and the old man couldn’t risk carrying excess passengers with NTSA roadblocks almost everywhere.
I hit the road running going to Kisii ocha pia kwa akina @Eng’iti and @Koolibah and within 6 hours I was home. Once there people keep it strictly the local language. I ain’t that fluent to speak the local language so I keep it Kiswahili and I am branded ‘primitive’ for not knowing the local language but fuck them people outta here don’t even know to say hi in their local languages let alone me who can understand and speak some of it. The money extortion scheme started but nikacheza kama mimi hakuna dooh walipata. So we went and had a walk with some of my cousins, midway I felt the urge to go for a long call but then there was no toilet in sight and going home was quite a distance I couldn’t make it not with the urge for a long call.
One of my cuzos then suggested I go the ‘African way’; relief myself in a bush. SHIT!! Not that again but I had to do it anyway. Tissues?? Fuck I didn’t have any. No one had. They all suggested I could use some leaves, hapo nikajua enyewe ni kunoma. Since I was really pressed I decided to be innovative and do it. Went over a bush and ‘downloaded’ all my contents. In some minutes I was done and picked the leaves to do the wiping; but hold on, since I was in a hurry not to be left by my cuzos I ended up picking the wrong leaves. Damn that was the worst experience ever. I picked up some stinging
nettle leaves commonly known as ‘enyanduri’ in Kisii @Eng’iti and @Koolibah can relate.
I went ahead and wiped my ass with them. MOTHERFUCKER!!! Immediately my ass starting hurting, the leaves left me scratching my ass with pain. FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! It was fucking painful. I almost screamed like a 16 year old girl having her virginity broken. I scatched my ass for another times DAMN!! Sasa hii ndo nini ?? Kwani walipanga hivi??. I put on my trousers and ran to keep pace with my cuzos whom I couldn’t see. I ran as if my legs are broken with the constant stinging in my ass. I would enter a farm and scratch that ass. At home I couldn’t calm down coz of the stinging. I couldn’t even sit down. I was fidgeting all around till my grandma sent Mokaya my cuzo to know what’s wrong with me coz i couldn’t tell them. When Mokaya I told him what was wrong with me. Mokaya laughed and laughed and laughed you would think he had been affected by the laughing gas. Being a loudmouth he went and told the others, “Leon ochitinyire ne enyanduri” (Leon has wiped himself using the stinging nettle). The laughter that followed acha tu.
HAPPY FESTIVE SEASON Y’ALL