Stolen:Childhood myths

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Web Dev

Village Elder
#1
By wanjohi fb socialite

The the things we used to be telled when we were babies:

1. Marvin g** was shot by his pastor father after he removed 'sexual healing song'. The dad who was a devout xtian was so angry because of that song that he shot his son to death.

2. President Moi was a Freemason and Muite was his boss at the lounge. Being his boss that is why he never arrested Muite even once despite him being his fiercest critic like Matiba , Koigi, Raila , Rumba Kinuthia etc. Who were agitating for the return of Multi partism.

Myth resolved: Moi never saw Muite as a threat even small as Muite was busy collecting 20million from Patni.

3: Matiba was the richest man alive that even in his home, he could see you the moment you on his TV the moment you neared 100 meters to his gate.. If he saw like you were Special branch he would enter a bunker in his house.

Matiba discovered CCTV long time ago.

4: For every dogogio of EABL you drank, Matiba was getting 2 shillings.

5: In school parade when reciting "Our loyalty pledge" if you refused to say "I pledge my loyalty to president Moi and the republic of Kenya' even with heart, special branch would come for you and crash your bells hence squander the opportunity to go to heaven. A you know, those whose bells are crashed will not go to heaven.

6. If you made 7 anti clockwise rounds on a Mugumo tree you could turn into opposite gender.

Wait... Is it the reason we have gays and lesbians?

7. If you talked even in small voice about Moi even in your bedroom , special branch would know.

8. Jommo Kenyatta got that name after he went to London. He was asked where he comes from. He saided.. Jomokete Kenya. (I have removed from Kenya). European refused to know if he saided that is his name and called him henceforth that.

9. Moi divorced his PM after she refused to dance with his boss Kenyatta.

10. Kariuki Shotara was a Freemason even in death, used to meet at Grand lodge with mzee to advise him how to deal with ukuyus.

11. Oloitiptip used to eat full goat alone.

12. Baba used to climb all headmistresses of all schools named Moi girls.

13: The aeroplane that used to overfly our home area airspace at 4AM daily was of Milk. It was taking milk to dairy. Gatege ka iria.

14. Cheeters could not attack you unless you stepped on its tail. When it spotted human at night, it would run ahead of you and place its tail on the footpath. If you jump the tail it would run again and place tail and the process would repeat until you were home. If you step, it eats you. If you jump, u are safe.

15. If you go to Mombasa See a sun like persons and go climb, tomorrow of that day you will wake up in the morning and find you were climbing a grave. Where you hanged coat is the cross.
(True. If you climb them bira makobosto...)

16. That Ouko committed suicide. He broke his legs with clubs but He didn't die. He burnt himself. He didn't die. He shot himself severally until he died. The then hid the pistol and returned to Got Alira to rot.

17: If you went to receive sacrament and you were not opened, your tongue will swell until it touches ground.

18. Wakagukua could tell you direction to any homestead if you held it by its 'tail'. Wakagukua is a larvae stage of I Dont know what insect.

19: You will know who kuniad on top of toilet by observing the direction of smoke in the kitchen. If it comes to yours it is you.

Ya kwenu?

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Kaffir

Village Elder
#7
No wearing read during a thunderstorm otherwise lightning pap
Ukinyambia nguruwe it will chase you, tried it a couple of times ! nearly shit myself forcing a fart out
Rungu ya moi ina sword ndani
Pele killed his brother na dabo ya pena
If you go to Kenyattas moseleum and deposit 5 shillings in the coin slot his stuffed body would raise and appear to say harambee!
 

CORNERS

Village Elder
#9
looked into a mirror at night,you will see the devil...

moto ya jiko ikikufuata sana wewe ndo umenyamba latest

ukishika tama utauwa baba yako bure

ukinyonya kidole itapotea
 
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