The Dangers of Bagging the Kanunu Late

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Village Elder

To: All Old Monks,

From: An Older Monk.

Re: The dangers of bagging the kanunu late.

I hereby take the liberty to dole out some precious nuggets of wisdom to all contemporaries of Kim Jung-Monk, previously known as Old Monk. It’s not that I have discovered the green miracle weed like my contemporaries Meria Mata and Deorro. No. I only happen to feel generous today.

My main target here is males who are too comfortable in and by themselves, to a point where they see no need to pursue a kanunu for long-term use. When you are a young fellow, solo flight may not trouble you much beyond the occasional taunts from friends and foes. However, the situation changes as you progress in age. At some point, the family might start pressuring you to bag the kanunu. If you survive this phase, then you are likely to become the target of females who share a similar status but for different reasons. Now this is the one phase you are not likely to survive. You simply cannot survive a scheming female unless you take to the long grass, literally. Although most joystick owners would delight to be chased, the only problem is that the genres of females after your freedom do not possess much in terms of reputation. I expound the genres in the paragraphs below.

The first genre of females consists of those who have been around the village too many times i.e. those with a chequered past or simply put, damaged goods. Now this is usually the worst type. I once encountered one, and the things she would do would leave me shaking my head from the inside. Considering that she was pre-internet, I could only conclude that she gained her knowledge from too much experience in real life in the hands of multiple joystick owners. I mean, what else would inform a village girl to demand to be climbed on my sukuma wiki garden behind the house under the open night sky, and the way she would payuka even under moderate action. Before the village feminists accuse me of sexism, I need to make something clear here. Whereas females can have a chequered history, men are not capable of same. Why do I say this? Consider the village momo King Uweskamau. Before he floors a momo, he needs to spend time and resources to woo and finally wrestle the animal in a nude match. After the said event, Uweskamau needs a week or so to rehydrate, rearm, and shore up new finances for a repeat match. All this while, the momo is most certainly servicing other males. In short, it is impossible to find a spent male; even Kush yule mnono passes as new despite the blistered hands. What is more, this type of female does not need to overcome any moral barriers before she gives it to a stranger for some benefits. I learnt this the hard way with yet another character and in the process discovered a yet to be acknowledged instinct in males; a man will instinctively and precisely register the force needed to penetrate the kanunu in the first, second, third, fourth and even fifth round. Within no time, I could tell when she had been around, and checking her calls would always confirm my suspicions.

The second genre consists of females who have had a few stints with males in semi-stable relationships, but who have repeatedly been relieved of duty as kanunu suppliers. You may regard them as factory returns. Although this genre is not as despicable as the first one, it still presents immense challenges. As Kabuda once said, a female is first climbed in the head before the same happens to the nexus of the rear limbs. This second genre often carries with it too much emotional baggage. You will often find yourself answering to charges committed by previous beneficiaries of her kanunu. Unlike women, men can endure an artificial union for years just to enjoy the wet warmth. In my encounter with this type, I found myself faced with very strange accusations. For instance, you pass by some bakery shop one evening and decide to buy her a mix of cup cakes, black forest and such. You hand her the package waiting for compliments only to be told something like, “You can’t fool me with these, I know you are covering up for something”. This type will even demand to see how much you poured, just to confirm that you have not had an outside match. You fail to climb her for two days and the suspicion is on. Now how do you continue living with such a character?

The third genre consists of females who have been bypassed my other males for some visible reason. This genre might surprise you with the goods they have to offer. I once happened on one. She was very Sindika, but the face was somewhere near South Africa. The one astonishing thing was that I could not count to five inside the kanunu before my eyes gouged out. I hate to admit this but the first time I tried, I went in just once, like a rocket propelled grenade, before exploding. I have never known such merciless suffocation inside a kanunu. The problem with this type is that they are not likely to show appreciation for your okoa jahazi gesture, and will often stress you with high demands. Instead of appreciating your angelic gesture, they will take this opportunity to demand everything they have ever dreamt of under the Sun, including a church wedding. In this case I got thinking the experience was epic, but she could not moderate her demands. She refused to let me take her unless I fulfilled a myriad pre-conditions. So, I had to let her go. Today she stands paged, alone. But I would never look in that direction despite the many missed calls, lest I get tempted (you never forget tight situations).

To avoid suffering from similar scenarios, I would advice all old monks to pay some attention to that rare female who seems to show some interest today. Force yourself to respond appropriately. Failure to do this, you are likely to become a long-term source of hekayas like this older monk.

Older Monk
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