It has been a long while since I last put text to textarea so forgive any inconveniences in terms of grammar or incoherent language.
It was only a few months ago when I was in the beautiful county of Nyeri to visit my parents whom I had not seen for over 6 months. It was on a Saturday morning when I arrived and I found them busy as usual with their business, my mother swamped as usual despite her impeccable multi tasking skills.
They were relieved to see me, not only for the fact that they had not seen me in a long while but also because they had an extra pair of arms to help with the day’s duties. As they say in greek, mwana dakûraga (The child never grows up) meaning that, to the parents even if you sire an entire village of chilren like ango Uwes you will always be a child to them.
I was quickly welcomed with a cup of hot tea, eggs and a bowl of pudding - pineapples, melon and paw paw all mixed into a delicious fruit salad. No wonder we rarely caught the common cold.
FFW >> I was told that I was required to go and man a particular location as products were loaded into the back of a lorry. It was an urgent matter so I was to rush over there because the potters had almost arrived. They were an irritable bunch and quite unreliable from my experience with them. They were also sneaky and would steal certain items from the location to go and sell hence the need for me to be there. Big mistake.
As I was standing at the door of the building, I felt a familiar rumble and tumble in my stomach. An unnerving churn of the intenstines that usually announces the onset of diarrhoea.
“I should have taken a shit immediately I arrived in the house.” I told myself.
I figured I had a bit of time before shit flew out of my ass and down my legs but I had underestimated my stomach’s ambition in spoiling my day.
Ten short minutes later i felt another smooth churn and gas was ejected from my rectum before I had the chance to squeeze my butt cheeks shut as reinforcement for my ineffective sphincter muscles. The fart was moist but odourless. I had to feel around the back of my trousers to confirm I had not just shit myself. Thankfully I had not.
That was only momentary relief. A few minutes later I felt a cold sweat form on my brow, a tingle ran down my spine to the tip of my anus as I felt a sudden rush of copius volumes of liquid fecal matter pressing against my sphincter like floods through a tiny valve. I couldn’t take it any more. I quickly shouted to the potters that I will be back and dove into a nearby toilet. Immediately I dropped my pants I felt a rush of relief as the kale I had eaten the previous night flooded out of my ass with a splash like gas leaking out of a K-gas cylinder. I remember I spent an entire 20 minutes squatting over the toilet bowl.
But that was not the end of it. I had not carried any tissue paper. I could not call out to anyone because they were all on the opposite side of the building. I searched my pockets for maybe a handkerchief, a piece of cloth, a piece of paper, anything I could wipe my sore ass with. There was nothing at all.
I stared down at my shoes and realized the only thing I had on that resembled a soft cloth was my beautiful and beloved pair of happy socks. One of a set of 6 that had travelled all the way from the UK to Kenya; had seen more of the world than me and had travelled in a plane unlike me only to wipe a diarrhoearing[sic] ass in a dingy toilet.
I expertly took off my shoes making sure not to step on the floor of the filthy toilet. I slowly wipped my ass with the socks and dumped them in the toilet bowl. Luckily the pipe was large enough to allow the socks through. I stepped out confidently, poured some water down the toilet with a kasuku to erase any evidence, washed my hands and headed to the opposite side of the building to continue monitoring the progress.
But wait. That was not all. As I stood there breathing in a sigh of relief and feeling my knees and thighs from the squatting, I felt another churn. I was panic stricken. If i had to visit the toilet again what would I wipe my ass with? I had used my last resort - the socks. I contemplated rushing to the shop up the street but the moment I split my legs as I tried to walk, I felt a blob of shit peep through my anus like an eye through a keyhole.
I had no choice, I shimmied back towards the toiled as fast as I could grabbed the kasuku and held it under a running tap. It couldn’t fill any slower. The kasuku was only half full when I felt I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I jumped into the toilet my pants already at my knees.
It was like I had not gone in the first time. I probably shit out a lung because I was having trouble breathing as I pushed the devil’s hell fire out of my burning spincter. I took about another 20 minutes probably. Since I had nothing else to wipe my ass with I had to go full blown muslim. I had to do it slowly though. During that period of time I was in the toilet someone had started washing their clothes in the bathroom next door. I could not have them hearing me wipe my ass with water…hehehe
I made sure to leave some water in the kasuku so I could pour it down the toilet bowl so as not to arouse suspision. I did that twice and walked out to continue monitoring the job. When I got out there I found the potters loading the last of the goods. I did a quick inventory check in the vehicle and in the building and confirmed nothing was missing. I quickly locked up and rushed home where I took a long, antiseptic bath swearing never to leave the house without tissue paper in my pocket and a large one at that.
My sphincter was sour for three days after that. The end.:D:D:D:D
