I had previously been hearing people talk about Oloitoktok and i thought this was the most remote part of this republic. But a visit there last weekend proved me wrong, in fact Kinangop - where i was born and bred, is more rural and more shambolic.
A very close nigga of mine called me on Friday as i was swallowing several in the backstreets and told me thad something has developed and he has to travel to Oloitoktok with immediate effect. The reason for calling me was that he wanted a driver to transport him all the way, and a drinking partner as well. By that time i was holding on to some random pick and carry chic i had collected along Moi avenue. I called the weiter aside and orderd her to supply one round of ethylated luctose and i settled the bill secretly. I wanted to disappear from that place with minimal disturbance such that even the lady at had would not know what has eaten me. I swallowed my White Cap half way and then told everyone that i needed to go and squeeze the lemons. I dashed into the gents, emptied my bowels and slithered out of the pub into the streets.
its that me until Ambassador where my nigga was waiting for me in that popular joint between Lazarus and Nevada (you can figure out where he was).
I found him burried between two momos who were caressing his abdomen and his head telling him how he had a pretty hairstyle - and mark you he is almost turning bald headed. By the look of things, he had taken one too many. I pulled him aside and he gave me the leak-up of why he needed to visit the border town so badly. I did not want to get myself into businesses involing elephants’ tusks.
he told me that he has a small piece of land in Oloitoktok that he had inherrited from his father and he wanted to rush there because there would be a goat auction of Saturday and he had a few goats he wanted to offload. He cleared his bills - including that of the 2 momos and off we went.
For those who have never been to Oloitoktok, its furher than Rongai. Very far indeed. It is that us on Mombasa road, reach Athi River and take road of Kitengela. We stopped at Kitengela and bought a few Tusker cans and continued with our journey.
We reached Oloitoktok a few minutes before midnight, very exhausted. My nigga knew the place quite well. We located one of the nice pubs of the place and sat at the counter. Here the only play music of Tanzania, like those of Diamond, Hussein Machozi and Ali Kiba. This pub was flocked by many yello yello. But since i was sobre a little i could not tell which was hottest. I looked at counter and saw beer called SERENGETI PREMIUM. I asked for 2 cold ones and swallowed them with immediate effect. It is here that my eyes opened. Barley works magic. I could now scan through the crowd like an anti-virus scans files. I spotted the trojan. A yello yello that summoned my gonads into a hullabaloo… The problem was that she was seated with two ninjas (Maasais) who had dirtified the table. The entire table was covered in bottles of some liqour i could not identify.
I looked in her direction and raised a hand and waved. My efforts hit rock bottom, she did not see me and the signal went to waste. I called the waiter aside and asked her what kind of beer the Maasais and the lady were drinking. She told me it was a cheap liqour manufactured in Loliondo and sneaked into Kenya through wholes in the border. I asked how much it was costing. A bottle costed just KSh 35 but if you convert that into Tanzanian currency, it a couple of thousands.
I told the waiter to go and take all that beer even the unopened ones and por them. She obliged. The maasais got furious and demanded to know what was happening. The removed pangas and spears and rungus and threatened to send the whole pub into havoc. I authorised the waiter to supply that table with a new round of refreshments - SERENGETI. On realising my generosity, the maasais were overjoyed. They jumped up until touching roof. Ladies and Gentlmen its at this very juncture that i was crowned a Maasai Elder - Ole Ngaiyuni, the highest ranking Maasai Moran.
My nigga on the other hand was almost going into auto pilot. Serengeti is of no joke, with alcohol level of 4.8% its above most common Kenyan beers.
Now a problem emerged. After people realisng that i can pour beer, i started acquiring new friends. The problem was that i was now almost hitting rock bottom. Beer here was not expensive. Serengeti is sold KSh 80/- which is several millions if you convert to Zimbabwe currency. So with just KSh 1000/- you can buy a whole lorry of beer. I called my nigga aside and he lended me KSh 1500/-. On return to the counter, i found the yello yello i was targeting on my seat, and two other including a waiter who looked like sun all there waiting for me. Inside my head the larics of the song “This is the day that the Lord has made, We will rejoice and be glad in it” were playing.
Armed with KSh 1500/- i ordered unending drinks for the three ladies. We shifted to a different table and drinks kept on coming. It was now almost morning and i was sooo sleepy. I was shown manager of the hotel and i rented two rooms. One for my nigga who was at this point already blackedout and the other for me. I hired two bouncers to transport my nigga into his room. For me, the three ladies offered to escort me. I passed by counter ant bought 3 packets of Salama ammunation and guarded by 3 yello yello of the highest grade, i made my grand entrance into the room. A spacious room indeed. A kingsize bed. I thought the ladies would just let me enter with one of them, how wrong i was. They all accompanied me into the room. I was stuffy and i needed a shower.
Women of Oloitoktok are the best. They dont let niggas shower alone. All the 4 of us entered the spacious bathroom. NEVER in my life had i been cleaned by more than one woman. The three of them took the mandate of washing me in the warm water from head to toe. I could feel one grab the balls and scrab them clean until they almost started shining. The other was on the buttocks, properly taking there of them. The third was working on my belly and the upper torso. I had never immagined of such royal treatment in my life.
I dont know how i was transported from the bathroom to the bed, but i could feel is action on all living cells of my body. I could not tell what order my lion was entering into the ladies accessories. But Serengeti beer is good. One does not pour fast…Lion was removing from one den and entering the other. I had 3 pairs of boobs right infornt of me. This looked more of a dream than reality. And ladies here are soooooooo goood. they dont allow their men to ged tired riding. Its the ladies who come on top. My zig was sucked, tilted, cajoled, played with, inserted into hot and moist pelvics. I toched buttocks, well rouded asses, i played with booobs…Its on this night that i recorded the highest capactiy of pour that has ever been ejaculated by a man in the history of climbing…After that pour, i collapsed and went into a comma.
I woke up to a fuckin bright ligh and fresh air. I wondered where i was. I felt i was not alone in that bed. I had a yello yello to my right and another on my left. I could hear water pouring in bathroom and a few minutes later, a third yello yello emerged…On my face was that sheepish royal smile most of you niggas will die without ever experiencing.
Well, my nigga came and knocked the door furiously. I was 2pm and i was still in bed with yello yellos. We headed out and sold the goats…We sold the goats on that Saturday. We came back here on Sunday night without even a coin and the car was showing empty tank all the way from Kitengela…what happened on that Saturday evening is a story for another day…
hii hekaya…ni hekaya tu. hakuna oloitokitok huyu jamaa alienda…
:D:D:D:D:D
Nice hekaya… Though you’ve outdone yourself on the spicing…
unapitia kitengela ukienda oloitokitok?
I think he meant namanga!!
it is a route alright but why would one want to go via namanga and amboseli when it’s tarmac via emali?
Ole Ngaiyuni? :D:D:D
ako hapo juu:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Hekaya iko timam
Wewe pia unasumbua. This is one hell of a good hekaya. We don’t care if alipitia Mtito Andei akienda Muranga
wee washa hiyo hekaya ina mashimo mingi kama kishungi…
:D:D Siku ingine utapitia Lokichogio ukienda Mombasa. 
The hekaya is superb. It is excellently narrated and well spiced with all manner of linguistic and litetary spices.
It is ofcourse fiction but well told. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your tales
Keep it up @wildfrank aka ole nagiyuni the self styled first class moran.
Lets be FRANK, behind the as a keyboard warrior, you’re allowed to let your imagination run WILD…
you’ve met the requirements hata hatutaki mbisha!
The hekaya is well written and he has the freedom to spice as he wants. He is not reporting for a national newspaper where everything has to be factual. Those who did not like the hekaya ignored the post
Kijana @Deorro ,I thought i taught you admin 101?.As an admin you have to play neutral.You are like that ref who once celebrated when Tottenham scored against Aston Villa
I don’t remember you giving me thise lessons
Sorry you must have missed the classes!!
hehe.Ole Ngaiyuni…ngaiyuni inamaanisha kihii mse