You speaking about this is the start of some kind of healing and I applaud you for that. See, this ... our society doesn't expect a man to bear out his feelings. "That's being a sissy." They said. And sadly so, some disturbed pieces of cowshit up on this thread still think this is being weak...."Be a man" They said. Total crap!
Everyone, regardless of gender, is allowed to be human, no questions asked.
Professional help works but not for everybody....some people choose to work through their shit on their own or with friends or strangers. Find what works for you and explore that option to the end.
Dude my advice to you is get a life. Accept yourself as you are. You are very unique in the naking, imagine nobody else has a life like yours. You are the one on the steering wheel, so make us see that indeed you are a masterpiece. The problem with trusting people is that they will fail you. Guys are hypocrites, at least that's what I've come to learn of most people. You've gotten the first step right i.e. not that too much trust. Work on your happiness now. Make yourself happy and you will attract happiness, you don't have to rely on other people for your happiness. Again, don't be depressed over little things. Shida haijapandwa kwako pekee yake, we all have issues, plus shida haina mizizi. Learn to overcome it.
Please let me start by saying am not looking for any sympathy.Mnitusi mkitaka. I truly won't mind. Might be a long read for some. Just a slim hope that someone more knowledgeable than me might offer some sort of direction to take.
For a long time now I have run away from things in life. If I feel things are slightly even getting complicated I will build a shell and just go M. I. A. That's just how I am. I believe I suffer from multiple personality disorder. For the longest part I dismissed this as total white people bullshit but today I nearly lost it. So I have looked at things that point to this and I found a few. To start with I have multiple accounts here. 2 are full blown Elders and I contribute regularly. I have realised I act very differently when am on these accounts. I display different emotions and beliefs on the separate accounts. This account is sort of my safe space and I feel naeza fungua roho. I thought by creating different accounts and letting my alter egos out i would feel better but this has achieved the exact opposite. Everytime I logged into one account I would just expose myself into very distinct shock wave of emotions. I have never felt so broken and self destructive in my life. It was a bad idea.
I have anxiety attacks. I get anxious about the smallest things in life. Do I have my wallet with me? Did I lock my house before leaving?I obcess over such issues even when I have confirmed these questions in the affirmative. This has gotten so bad that recently that in most occasions I find myself coming back from the main gate just to check if I have locked my flat. It has become so often that I now pretend to have forgotten something lest my neighbours think am going mad.
I get depressed and nobody will know about it. I just want it all to end. I don't really want to kill myself but I want the world to open up and swallow everything in it. I know am a bit of a sadist. Okay maybe more than a bit.
I have trust issues. I just can't bring myself to trust anybody for some reason. Some of you might say am just insecure in light of my previous posts but honestly am pretty secure of myself for the most part. We all have our own little insecurities but mine is a trust issue. I just feel trusting someone is a burden and constantly look for excuses to escape this burden. If I break up with my girl right now a small part of me will feel sad but a BIG part of me will feel relieved that am not with the burden of trusting her.
I have anger issues on occasions although It's getting better by the years. I am much calmer now as compared to when I was in High school.
So is this all normal? Am I just a pu**y? Do I have genuine issues that I have ignored over my life? I want to help myself but if I can't I guess this is God's little gift to me. To be in a state of constant confusion.
1 hey uko sawa and you will be fine . good thing you have admitted you have a problem and acknowledged it. most people live on denial
you mainly have trust issues .
2 something must have happened on your past. Maybe you got betrayed by your mom, siblings or your former girlfriend and swore that you will never trust again. you don't have to be harsh on yourself. there are beautiful and trusting people out there who are waiting to love and trust you back. don't punish em all because of missteps you had along your life
3 if you are in kenya ole wako, pole i don't know who i can refer you to, but if you are majuu there are many resources that can help you. just call immediate crisis line and you will have someone to help you
4 you have traces of OCD. it comes as a result of betrayal of trust to a point you don't even trust yourself that you did it right. yours is very chronic and needs chronic help to sail you through. Tafuta profession before you reach 72 and realize you are by yourself
5 i have 4 handles here and each one of them i pick a different personality. the reason why im here in ktalk is because its a game and i don't take it serious . once i log off i'm a different person. most people you see here are introverts in their own way. huko nje ni moto sana. trust me everyone here has more than one handle. anyway you need to man up and face someone and talk out your fear. you will be fine ok......
hey i realized something , pinkies are nice when it comes to emotional connection. just look at them @pseudonym@Doltress@Dora-ttitude@Phenomenal Woman , these ladies wanasaidia jamaa whereas some silly ass maggots wana throw this man under the bus. guess what? this attitude that men have is the reason why women will overtake us . they find strength in unity na nyinyi mangombe mnasema upuzi like kojoa ulale. ferk!! this man is here for help and lets man up and tell him how to. he has spent a whole hour writing that, Why water it down the drain? Anyway let me call a talker @Luther12 njoo .
gentlemen go hang yourself with tissues if you cant assist this gentleman than mocking him . iv been through the worst depression than most of you can think but it took 2 women to pull me through ... and not men. these mofos made it worse ....