He died on the 1st of April. It probably would have been a really bad fool’s joke had I known that day, but I didn't. Actually none of us did until 3 days later. His phone was off, texts undelivered but you know, there we reasons; phones go off, get stolen switched off no big deal. He died on the couch, his wallet and phone next to each other on the wall unit.
He was my best friend, wing-man millennials would say, but also my cousin. He had a big heart, loud hearty laughter, a definition of life because he brought it. Being the introverted person I am, I didn't have to talk. He did the talking and I was allowed to just nod and smile. But no one understood my silence and occasional few words than he did. But I let him down, we all let him down.
See, he was bipolar. On the one occasion very excited and bright as they come and on some occasions he was down, hopeless and helpless. And in those days, hewould turn to the bottle, and he would have fun with it, a bit too much. It got worse last year following the loss of his dad, my uncle, a dark curtain fell and he never got past it. We spoke, tried to cheer him up, encouraged him, visited him, i thought he would be fine, but we lost him.
I got a text from my girlfriend, then, "My condolences" on the day she learnt of his death. Never called, didn't check on me for over a week. I till this day, keep wondering whether I was supposed to expect much, but I felt let down. I feel empty, I keep everything to myself. I can’t stop asking myself what if? Everyone seems to have moved on, I can’t be the only one who suffered the loss, I tell myself. So I look happy, successful.
Actually, I just got promoted yesterday, but alone, nothing makes sense. I now understand what it means to be in a crowd and yet feel so alone. People loose me in conversations, I stare, my mind wonders, it’s weird sometimes.
Taking a day at a time, I just don't want to have a dark curtain fall in front of me. I will keep hoping.
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