Tia Dalma's first hekaya - Our mother's tale of how marriage started

Tia Dalma

Village Elder
#1
One December we sat down around my ageing father. In a family of 4, I am the only one who is 'married' (no dowry, no church wedding but children to show). I think, my father seeing that our first born is still not married, he decided to tell us a story of the beginning. In his 'words'.

"Those days so mnajua I used to live in majengo?".
That's where I had my one room house. Your mother used to visit me those days and to cook. Those days tulikiwa tunatumia makaa kupika. Hii story ya gas ikikuja wakati tulihama uko South 'C'.
So at 5.00pm mama alikuwa anaanza kazi na kuwasha jiko. Me I would come home at 6.30, walking all the way from working in Industrial Area. Cooking was a long tiring process. But since she was still in Strathmore College doing her kacourse (CPA), she had all the time. Also, I was an Engineer and cooking was not going to be my job.
So at 6.30, kama kawaida, I reached home. Tired not from working, but from walking. Na kuangalia mama alikuwa karibu kumaliza kupika. Those days the kitchen was outside my only wooden door. Sio kama siku hizi, kitchen iko na kanyumba pia. So I went and took a cold refreshing bath na ndoo before the sun could set. "Sikuwa na taka kutumia candle kila saa kufanya kila kitu," he said. At night the only thing we used was the SANYO radio.
After bathing, chakula ilikuwa imeiva. We always used to eat at the same thing; si ATA sasa munajua mkienda kukula uko nje you know your mother only knows how to boil food! Uko kwao nililipa tukule mbuzi na wakaniletea nguruwe; boiled! I keep wondering why! "Hakukuwa na Mafuta! One day she will tell me what happened to my money."
Otherwise, we sat down, her on the bed and I juu ya mtungi wa maji. Sikuwa nimejipanga kama siku hizi. Then I told her (Tia Dalma's mother) omba kabla tuanza kukula. She bowed her head, did the sign of the cross and blessed the food. She finished the prayer and my stomach could not wait to test hiyo githeri! I held my spoon put it in there; then I heard someone say, "Na Mimi sikuli". I was shocked! "Kwa nini," I asked.
"Hakuna. I am just not hungry," she said.
I was perplexed. I could not afford lunch and was dreaming of reaching home to eat githeri.
I started thinking; does this woman want to tell me she wants to keep this weakly, small frame of hers (Si sasa her family will tell me I am starving her.)
I looked at her and said, "(Insert my mum's name here) lazima ukule. Ata kidogo."
My father then put a small amount of food on a small plate. "Shika (Insert mama's name)."
She did not even take the plate!
Now I became worried.
My dad explanation: She had cooked enough food for 4 people and only 2 people were available to eat. Sasa, tutatupa chakula! You know, the fridge ilikuja na nyumba uko South 'C'. (We have always had a Sanyo fridge that has never been changed! Since 1980, I hear.
Now he goes back to the story.
I sat nearer to her on the bed and felt her, maybe she was sick. No, she was not after an examination.
"Sasa nini mbaya?," I asked. Still no answer.
So I stood up.
I held her and pulled her up. She could walk, at least.

Seeing this might be a big problem, I knew it's was going to be a long night.

With one strong sweep; MY HAND MOVED FROM EAST TO WEST. WITH ALL THE FORCE IN THE WORLD. MEETING HER FACE WITH ALL THE INERTIA MOVING TO HER FACE. AND, I SLAPPED AWAY THE PROBLEM AWAY. THE HAND STOPPED, SHE WAS NOW ON THE FLOOR; HOW SHE REACHED THE DOOR WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS WEAKLY.

Now your mother was not as fat as she is today, so she fell on the floor; flat on her stomach.

Thank God she woke up.

It seemed to have worked! She was now eating and hungry. We both ate what was cooked for 4 servings.

And, note "HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR MOTHER REFUSI G TO EAT ANY FOOD COOKED AT HOME?"

You see the problem with you men of this days; you have to be careful.
You see I had gone and asked her father for her daughter's hand in marriage. Of course, he refused. But, they knew she was still going to be leaving with me. The old man was just advising me to get some house for her to live in. She was by all purposes, my wife. My brothers, sister and whole family knew she was the one who cooks in the small room. If I beat her like that and she went to tell her father, that old man would beat her and return her to me.

"Na sasa nyinyi, mmesoma and you want to tell me there is no woman you can slap!!!!!!!!"

---- ENDS -----

If you cannot slap a woman, till she falls down like that; she picks herself up and instead of insulting you, or attacking you. Unafaa uambiwe ukweli; that is not a wife material! To me, that is the true test to tell if someone loves you.

Wife battering is an African rite of passage. It is also a medicine; the medicine man (akina Mugo Wa Wairimu) used to give the secret to the rich men. The rich men used to prescribe that medicine to there very many wives. It made the men rule over 20 or more children better than you can only 1 woman.

Many women have such stories, those stories that they cannot give as mûchene! Because they love there husband.

Usiogope, if you see symptoms that require a quick dose; she is not listening and following your instructions, she cannot keep still when you want to have sex with her, she is always on her phone, anaweka chumvi mingi, hajui kuosha matumbo kabisa and fry them, she comes home after you, etc. My friend, cash bail for battery is only KES10,000.00.

BUT, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHEN & HOW TO GIVE THE MEDICINE. IT HAS TO BE ONE VERY QUICK, EFFECTIVE SWOOP.
 
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