So today I saw the post on a lady in Emba who was beat with a hammer on the head after strangulation failed to achieve results. Of killing her. Now I understand the magnitude of being threatened with a hammer because one day during a highway robbery I saw some thugs who swooped in on 2 bodas unleash hammers and pistols. When I saw the hammer I didn’t even care about the guns. I was like there’s no way I will wait to either watch or be bashed with a hammer. Folks let’s just say it’s a very scary thing to be attacked with a hammer.
Now, the general attitude when a woman suffers violence, is that she did something to provoke it because why would a man just decide one day to kill his woman for no good reason. Sometimes back we saw a househelps beat a toddler badly because the child threw up. I am sure to her that it was provocation.
Turning to violence is not a normal thing much as we may try to normal use it. We have heard of teachers who have killed students while punishing them for a justified error. If the punishment does not end tragically we say, spare the rod spoil the child and the teacher did good to punish the student. Our society normalizes violence through violent sports like boxing and wrestling. By the time a boy is 8 yrs old he is likely to have viewed several hours of violence. It’s normal to be bullied and to bully younger kids in school. In boys schools bullying has led to deaths. Boys have also been known to die during initiation because particularly in my community, manhood comes through the initiate being bullied and beaten mercilessly. So this is the backdrop men in our society grow up in.
As the adage goes violence begets violence. Male children are exposed to a lot of violence through games, watching wrestling and IRL experiences of bullying. So the violence we see playing out in our society does not happen in a vacuum.
Now the trend of victim blaming says violence can not be unprovoked. Actually abusive people can find a reason to attack even if the person is Mother Teresa. Being an abuser is a heady experience because particularly for a person who feels powerless, it gives a sense of power. What can be more powerful than the ability to bully another, the power to abuse another, the power to even kill another and get away with it.
Equally exhilarating for an abuser is the power to evoke such submission that even after abusing a man or woman that person can not leave. Even if they’re staying for the kids or the finances, it still excites the abuser in that, they have the power to keep you in an abusive relationship. That’s a very raw potent albeit toxic form of power that many require because they feel powerless in other aspects of their lives.
Why can’t the victims just leave? Probably for the same reason parents will sooner enable a child’s drug habit than throw them out.Sometimes these kids even kill their parents or maim them but how do they let go of them. It’s a conundrum. The person that is supposed to protect you becoming your worst enemy but what can they love the person. They want to maintain the status quo for the sake of their children, so that the child won’t be from a broken home and at other times out of their own desire to continue enjoying the financial support or moral support of the abusive spouse. For other women, maybe there’s no financial support but they want to stay married to the abuser to avoid stigma and becoming a pariah after becoming a single mother and a divorce, this is especially difficult for poorer women who have nothing but there family in life.
Way forward, don’t provoke your abuser? Well we know many homicides committed by the abuser are committed because men do not like to lose, and if they see the woman winning at their expense they’d rather kill. Pick your battles wisely and avoid escalating arguments while alone Sometimes the abuser may go as far killing children especially in custody cases among divorced people. Where you can lose access to their children like the 50 year old mother of 5 in Connecticut murdered by her exe husband for seeking soul custody.
So what is the solution? Frankly I have none. Domestic Violence and femicide are here to stay if you see signs, if threats are made constantly, just cut your losses and walk away if you can be. If not pray for divine intervention. Life is tough. A lot of times there’s no clear cut one size fits all solution. God rest all victims of domestic violence in eternal peace.