Why? Why would someone name it goat eating?

Last Friday I received a text from Okidi, a close friend, who invited me to a goat eating party that took place yesterday (Sunday). I love goat meat, especially roast ribs so I quickly confirmed that I would attend lest he changed his mind. The goat-eating venue was in Kasarani at a club called Red Office on Sunday at 3 p.m.

I live in Kangemi.

Waiyaki way has unpredictable traffic patterns so on Sunday I woke up at 7 a.m., took a hot shower and drank several litres of the shower’s hot water ‘to enlarge my stomach’. My wife tried to prepare breakfast but I told her not to bother and that I was in a hurry.

At 10 a.m., before I left the house and my wife was busy cleaning the house, I snuck into the medicine cabinet and pocketed my daughter’s appetite stimulant (Trimetabol Appetizer Syrup). I left the house and took a bus to town.

I was in town by 12 a.m and proceeded to take a Kasarani-Mwiki bus which took almost an hour to fill passengers. All this time, over a hundred makangas pounded the poor bus over a billion times, as it is the norm in Nairobi. To kill time I called Okidi to let him know I was on my way. He picked on the second ring,

‘’Hello,’’
‘’Hi man, I have just taken a mat to Kasarani’’
‘’That is great man, a little too early but ni sawa. I hope umejipanga vizuri’’
‘’Nimejipanga kabisa, hata mfuko iko ready.’’
‘’That is great buddy, hata unaweza ukawa one of my guests’’
‘’Absolutely, I won’t mind.’’ I retorted and added, “What are friends for?”
He sounded happier to hear that.
I hung up as the bus left town.

At this point I need to tell you that there no way I could have known that goat-eating, to our Kikuyu brothers, means fundraising or a mchango. In our mother’s tongue, a stomach directly translates to a bag or mfuko. When I said mfuko iko ready I was referring to my stomach and nothing about money.

Who names a fundraising a goat eating?
Why the swive would anyone do that?
A lonely sociopath perhaps?
Was there a dire deficit of vocabulary that the closest match was goat-eating?
Is it a trick to corner unsuspecting victims?
Has the government looked into this?

Okidi thought I meant money.

In my pocket, I only had 200 shillings (for fare and emergencies), a handkerchief, and a bottle of appetizer.

At 2.30, I was at Red Office’s entrance, a well-designed bar and restaurant with nice ambience (by my standards). Their butchery is right at the entrance with a display of healthy looking carcasses. As I walked by the butchery, I smiled at one of the goat’s carcass but the butcher thought I was smiling at him and he smiled at me too, I then asked him where the goat eating was to take place. He showed me two rooms at the end of a corridor opposite the washrooms on ground floor. I walked in and found two people already seated. I shook their hands and started small talk as we waited for the others. At 3.30, Okidi arrived in a shiny suit, shook my hand, and introduced me as his High School classmate and a very senior government official (HA HA HA HAAA).

It seemed that most of the invited attendees were seated but the MC was yet to arrive but he had called to say he would join us in 10 minutes. Okidi told me that the ceremony would start in 30 minutes and that as his guest, he would want I sit next to him. At this point I was quite hungry, having eaten nothing but the hot shower’s water.

The doctor’s advice when one prescribes appetite stimulants is that it should be taken 30 minutes before meals. I quickly excused myself, ran to the gent’s washrooms, pulled out the bottle, and drained the contents of the swiving bottle in a gulp. I was ready, ready like a warrior

This is my first hekaya, typing is not easy. Excuse my grammar.

66 Likes

hate goat meat makes you fart alot

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i thought i am the only one who finds the water from the hot show sweet to drink smh…

6 Likes

Ha ha…malizia

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:D:D:D:D:D

For goat meat, Fart is rude word… Say butt cheeks bleats alot.

25 Likes

Iza buda

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hahahahaha, laughing in advance

3 Likes

I started laughing when I read the title. Hii maneno imeumiza wztu wengi.

3 Likes

hata ku brush nayo meno badala ya kwenda kwa sink…does wonders

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[ul]
[li]:D:D[/li][li]I cant sense the disapointment[/li][/ul]

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Hiyo goat meat huwa tamu lakini nikiikula mi hujikuna kama fucking.

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its either you are eating other animals that are bn passed of as goat meat ama uko na shida ya tumbo.

3 Likes

My wife tried to prepare breakfast but I told her not to bother and that I was in a hurry.:D:D:D:D:D:D…cant breathe

4 Likes

The thing with these fundraising events it’s all in the name of fun…my solution I carry the cash I wish to donate in small denominations, that will help when the MC becomes a swiving cunt on your case…the carry an old cheque book, when called upon say MC says lazima utoe 1k boast and write a chq for 100k to silence watu…Monday morning call your banker not to dare clear any chq in that name.

11 Likes

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D. Eti tumbo ndio mfuko.

2 Likes

Haha, always attend the meeting when half full.
I would have asked my friend the real purpose of the meeting before I commit.

Utamu wa hekaya ni ku break grammer…lugha ya mama hapa na pale

10 Likes

Or, you can just give what you have without feeling any guilt. No need to keep up appearances.

2 Likes

Nimecheka vile nimeona title.

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all in the name of fun remember.

1 Like