Back in the days when I had nothing much to do I would usually hang around my dad’s pub just sipping and chilling, there’s this coasterian guy who used to grill mshikaki hapo so whenever I was around that was my to chill place with some hard liquor , he usually updated me with the latest happenings around, new hoz at the pub, yup pretty much that was it hehe.
It had become like some sort of a cult, whenever a new lanye was hired he had to give me a call to come ‘verify’ the goods for the pubs patrons.
‘Sela tusiuzie ma customer mali mbaya !’
It so happened that a bar maid had just been hired on that fateful day,I was on my richot half and had bought my mshikaki fella chrome quarter ,mastory story kidogo kidogo then this big bootied luo lady came to buy some mshikaki, bootay manze !
‘Hi’ I said.
She looked at me and never responded.
As she headed back to the pub I turned to my digo friend, Juma was the name.
‘Wee msela umeanza kunificha maneno au sio?’
‘Daah si ivo jomba huyo jibonge kaliingia leo leo tu !’
‘Aah sela fanya mambo ! Huyo yafaa afirwe selaaa!’ We both burst out laughing. Imediately the big bootay came back.
‘Customer amenituma mshikaki ya mia’
Juma then pulled the mwomans aside to a distance, he muttered some words to her then the mwoman looked at me with awe in her face. Kidogo kidogo they came back and Juma served her.
‘Aki pole sikukuskia poa saa zile ,si acha nihudumie hawa ma customer narudi,’ she told me as she left.
‘Fiti.’
I had this joker grin on me now ,
‘Kwani sela umemshow vipi?’ I had to ask.
‘Aah sela si wajua tu, mtama mtama kuku yuajileta,haha ! nimeambia huyo binti wee ni kijana ya mdosi bana !’
True to her word she was back in a jiffy, mood and body language all sexually charged up .
‘Haya niambie sasa,’ she said all smiley.
'Unakunywa nene? ’
‘Guinness’
‘Enda upewe mbili bill yangu’
Before she could leave I asked for her digits .
All the while sela was grinning while flipping his trade on the grill.
‘Sela hapo sawa…lakini sela…ama wacha tu’ he paused.
‘Nini bana, niambie’
He paused abit and opened up.
‘Huyo binti sela manager anammezea mate pia sijui itakuwa vipi’
I laughed .
‘Sela mambo madogo hayo,fanya ivi sela, nataka key ya room yako nimuite huyo dame aje hadi huko nimfire shoti moja kaende zake’
Juma laughed too and gave me his key room.
‘Ntamshow akuje hapa kwako umwelekeza hadi kwa room’
FFW I kamuad the dame and the manager heard akacatch mafeelings, huyo dame alikuwa na ikus fune baanar, I became obsessed, shida ni kijana ya mdoss alkuwa hatoboki baanar! I had shagged shagged her twice by then when all hell broke loose.
It was a friday evening , I was on hunters choice mzinga that day with my boy Juma, the bottle was half full and a nigga was feeling some kinda way, the lanye came to get some mshikaki and I hollaad at her but never got a response, it was then that Juma updated me that he had gotten a sponyo who was kamuaring her and that at very moment the nigga was washing her with guiness and bucketloads of mshikakis.
‘Eeh sela huyo jamaa yuatoboka sela ! Saa ii mzito ashanunua nyama ya mia sita!’
I could feel my stomach curl,to.make it worse the ‘sponsor’ alikuwa tu msee wa KK security mshande ndo ilikuwa inatembea banaa!
I don’t know what hunters did to me that night but I got so crazy. Calling the lanye she a couple of times a come tubonge she ignored some she hang up on some ‘line busy’ shit.
10pm I saw the lanye leaving with this KK guy, damn was I mad !
‘Wee mwanamke saa ii ni saa ngapi unatoka job?’ I angrily said.
‘Ongea na manager’ She said as she swayed her bossoms downstairs headed to a nduthi.
Juma couldn’t help but burst out laughing.
I headed to the manager to confront him.He told me that the guy amelipia dame off with a ‘wembe ni ule ule’ look.
Man was my ego dragged.
I went back to my bottle now drinking turborically charged. Curse hunters! Man now it was approaching 11:30pm ,I was drunker than ngege.
'Lazma uyo dame ajue, ’ I muttered.‘Juma unajua kwa huyo msee wa KK?’
It was a small town so everyone knew everyone.
‘Yea sela,hata kazi nafunga unapangaje?’
Juma ni wale maboys that had hype over everything scandaliscious hehe.
FFW we were headed to the dude’s place with a motive, kwa mlango ya boyz nyumba ya mabati.
‘Wee Rachel hebu mfungueni mlango !’
Silence.
‘Kevo fungueni ii mlango!’
Silence.
‘Wee Rachel kuna bill ya thao mbili naskia hujalipa !’
Kunguru akabonga hehe.
‘Bill gani ??!Bill gani??!Hutanitomba wee toka hapo mjinga wee!’
Man was I mad.
‘Sawa mningoje.’
Kidogo ndo huyo mimi kwa police station, those were patrons kwa base and the niggas were drunk too banaa. I told them that a ka bar maid alikuwa anahepa na bill, mbio ndo hao sisi kwa keja ya kevo. Two gavaas ,gotta love Kenya!
'Wee kijana hebu fungua ii mlango!'gava 1 banged the door.
Silence.
‘Wee tutararua ii mabati hebu fungua ii mlango!’
Silence.
True to the drunk police men words they started kicking the door.
'Nyinyi mamalaya natombwa na hatufungui!'Rachel hurled with michael power guinness in her head.
Makosa.
‘Ofisa dakika moja nafungua,’ Kevo spoke shakily.
Kufungua tu mlango the officers bashed inside with their big ass torches heading straight to the half naked kunguru.The niggas dragged her outside with her hair as she still yelled insults while in pain.Makosa the day had rained, man thay dragged her to a pool of mud with kicks and blows,that was the first time I beat up a kunguru, anyone for that matter with policemen.
Man that shit was so surreal! Pingu dame akaekwa akalala ndani,all the while Kevo amesimama kando na boxers with a few neighbours.
Next morning hunters imeisha kichwa na OB case ikafunguliwa…damn