For the better part of last week and earlier this week I was on an amazing hiatus kule kwa akina Meria Mata and @Finest tits madam Pseudonym. Tunasemanga lazima turudishie mwili asante after 3 months of late nights and hard work. I have to say, Coast women have are so good in bed, smooth skin kwanza wale wanarepresent team 1GB…DAAAAAMNNN…Hekaya for another day kama sitakuwa nimeingia mitini kama Major wa Uthamaki Guerrilla Force (UGF) :D:D:D:D.
Anyway, I was supposed to come back today but I changed up my plans and arrived earlier. A package I had ordered was arriving at my place, Tuesday evening so I had to be there to receive it.
A short while after arriving in the house kitu 11am, I received a call from my friend. He wanted to come over and hang out juu tumekaa sana since tuonane. I considered brushing him off juu nilikuwa nataka some alone time but akamention ako na company.
Company is obviously interpreted to mean ako na dame ama madame. In this case ilikuwa madame. Nikasema sawa. I popped into the shower mbio mbio. Brushed my teeth again and pulled on my favourite T-shirt. It is loose over my body but hugs my biceps well. Great for showing off to the girls low key. I pulled my grey cotton sweatpants and socks and settled on my sofa.
After what seemed like an hour my friend, lets call him Tim, arrived at my door. The dude had a wide smile across his face when I cracked the door open.
“Mjamaa kwani ameleta nyoka fine aje juu ananismilia hivi?” I thought to myself.
The girls were cradled behind the wall on his right, so I had to hang my head outside the door to at least examine the samples he had brought over.
Boss, the disappointment in my heart. The smile on my face nearly faded immediately but I managed to hold an awkward toothy grin. I bet they must have read through the plastic expression on my face because they stared down at their feet in embarrassment.
They were not ugly. No. But, my God! The amount of “beauty enhancements” they had on were just too much. They were both dark skinned but you could clearly see where the foundation ended on their neck. It is like someone ran border CSS properties on their face [border: 10px solid #000;] Inside joke for coders. The rest of you normal people mtagoogle :D:D:D.
They had on those crazy long plastic nails and the cheap plastic weaves. That killed any interest I had in them on the spot.
I invited them in and offered them all a glass of cold Delmonte Juice, Chips and Sausages that I had bought before I got in the shower. As they were eating Tim and I decided to play Fifa. I am sure every guy knows just how fast time passes when you are playing Fifa. We completely forgot about the girls.
The chiq who was closest to me decided to break the ice.
“Deno, kwani what do you do for work? The way umeweka nywele yako definately hauko formal employment. Unakaa kama uko na pesa.”
“Yeah. I work online. Lakini sina pesa vile. I just make enough for rent.”
“Uongo. You are rich. Hizi vitu zote kwa nyumba si ni expe ama your parents bought them for you?”
“hehehe” I laughed nervously. “Apana. I bought them myself but nimengangana. What do you do, wewe?” I decided to indulge her.
“At the moment sina job. But nataka kuenda kwa photoshoot fulani tao. Nataka kuwa model.” she offered.
I nearly burst out laughing. She had failed every single question on my Kunguru Verification Test.
“That’s cool. I hope that works out.” I said as I shifted my concentration back to our Manchester United and PSG fifa match.
After a while I felt something rubbing my arm. I looked up and it was this chiq running her fake nails over my bicep. She gave me a not so attractive puppy face and asked, “Deno…kwani hamskiiiii njaaaaaaa? Tubuyieeee Pitzaaa? Leo ni Terrific Tuesday so ata tunaweza buy mbili.”
“Mnataka kubuy?” I asked innocently.
“Aiiiiii…si ni nyinyi mnatubuyia. Si you are gentlemen. Gentlemen should treat ladies not the other way round.” the other one said.
The one who was assaulting my bicep was staring at me in shock. She couldn’t believe I had even asked them if they were buying.
“Deno, yaani hii pesa yote na hauwezi toa 2k tukule Pitzaaa?? Eeeh. Acha kuwa stingy.”
I felt a nerve twinge at the back of my neck. That is always an indication that I was starting to get pissed off.
“Si you guys are the ones who want pizza. You can go and buy mtatupata hapa. Juice ni mingi na pia kuna soda kwa fridge ya kuteremsha.”
“Aaah… Sawa. Wacha tuende. Tim, ebu tuitie Uber turudi kwetu.”
You should have seen the look on Tim’s face.
“Ati Uber? Ebu teremka hapo highway mchukue mat muende. Githurai ata haijafika 20 bob saa hii.”
“The f**k. Kwani ulikuwa umetuleta huku kufanya nini. Achanga ujinga Tim. Wewe na beste yako sijui ni wachoyo aje. You cannot even treat ladies. Sijui kama mtawai pata dame.”
At this point I was just laughing my ass off.
“Ebu tokeni muende. Tim? Unatoka na wao?”
“Aiii… Ebu endeni. Mmekuja kuniharibia CV kwa beste yangu. Ebu ata mpoteze namba yangu tafadhali…f**k off.” Tim said.
There was a lot of mscheews na mbwas as they walked out of the house. It was around 6pm.
“Lakini Tim, hizi vitu gani, mahoodrat unaniletea kwa keja boss.” I repremanded him.
“Ata hawa tulipatana juzi tu kwa club. Pole buda. Wameniudhi pia.”
“Wacha tucheze game kidogo basi giza iingie kidogo tufike tao basi. Umeniwaste sana itabidi sasa tuende tukajitaftie vitu safi. Ebu anzisha game tena.”
“Fiti bradhe. Ata mimi siwezi lala hivo leo.” Tim said.
We spent the better part of the night club hopping and finally ended up in the strip club hadi around 5 am asubuhi masaa yao ya kufunga.
Nothing pisses me off more than a chiq akiniitisha pesa like she is entitled to it. Kama ata hakuna kitu walileta to warm the house then they want us to pay for their luxury. Wao walikuwa wamekuja tu kukula. Pepo mbaya.
PS: The package that arrived was a fine as f**k 40 inch TV. Mbicha na Xray nitaweka siku ingine. I am moving the 32’’ into the bedroom because I am just that lazy. Nataka nikuwe nawatch series na movie late night for entertainment as I run my late night scripts on my computers.