I have received complaints from people that I am portraying them in negative light. Please note that this is meant to be a joke, and is no way a reflection of who the said people are in real life. As such, treat it as such. And do not use what I have written here to attack any talker. That right is reserved to me and me alone.
And to show my purity of heart, I go first.
@The_Atheist
A bright chap who has been unlucky in life, leading to his atheism.Blames the gods for his constant failures. Delights in peddling falsehoods. Secondary school certificate (C-). Born, brought up and likely to die in poverty. Late 30s, momoish, 5â6â. Wears a t-shirt, shirt, tie, sweater and coat. Jeans 24/7. Sees his future as the next WahomeMutahi, despite writing BS most of the times. Occasionally writes the truth about himself but cleverly disguised as stale humor. Day dreamer. Builds castles in his sleep, only to wake up and start painting the same in his day dreams. Believes that heâs related to CS Waiguru, and that he will one day get a multi-thousands tender to supply sanitary pads to women in N. Eastern.From deep inside Kirinyaga (Ndia). Spends his day hawking malimali to desperate housewives. Loving wife and 3 lovely kids who donât resemble him.Loves his wife but constantly quarrels due to his drunkenness and bed-wetting. Drinks cheap spirits. Refuses to go to church mainly coz heâs broke and has no offering or tithes. No known friends. Faithful to wife, not out of choice, but circumstances (read finances). Not likeable from the word go. Looks unkempt at all times. Appears too old for his age. Wide kikuyu teeth with odd spacing that makes him resemble a warthog. Limited wardrobe. Drinks sugarless strungi, claiming itâs a preference, lakini ni mfuko. Claims to love nduma for breakfast, but for the same reason. Looks weird. No English name since he considers English to be Christian.
@Unicorn
As the self-proclaimed âonly sane village elderâ, my mental image of her is the complete opposite. Whereas she qualifies to be an elder (mid 40âs), sheâs in no way sane. Strikes me as a short round momo, whose sense of fashion is still held back to the 80s. A pure-bred kienyeji chick, she most likely uses firewood in her humble abode at Mwihoko. Works hard to fend for her family.A member of several chamas. Buys clothes only over Christmas. Most likely married to an abusive, lazy and absent husband. From Nyeri. Pretty roundface. Has served as a bar-maid at some point in her life.Hates sophistication. Wife material though. Never wears high heels.Gifted on the rear.Would put the bust at 26A. Active in bed, preferring the Girl-on-top position. Has tried rudimentary BDSM with sisal ropes as her choice gadgets.
@pamba
More like @Mundu Mulosi, this is a typical luhya man whose appetite for ugali is out of this world. Tall, dark but not so handsome. Rich by the standards of kimilili.Owns a bull or two.Rides his bicycle to work though his account balance could be in millions.Loves fleshy women. Drinks Busaa. Ambitious in his own way.Fits well in any group.A gambler.Doesnât know how to drive anything apart from a tractor.Mid to late 30s.Religious inside, but weak to earthly pleasures.Rarely smiles. Lives in Eastleigh. A HND in HR, but rose from a security officer to office messager to operations supervisor in a mhindi firm. Some grey hairs. Unkempt beard.Ever in a suit (zile za gikosh)well-endowed in the nether region.
@kush yule mnono
This is a fatso, no doubt. Baby face.Very low self-esteem. In his early 30s.Never had a serious relationship despite working very hard for it.5â3â and quite unpleasant.Very limited IT knowledge beyond KTalk. Unable to maintain an intelligent conversation for over 3 minutes. From Nakuru/Nyahururu/laikipia sides. Brown teeth. Drinks hard stuff. Could be a tractor driver. Hated by colleagues. Resigned to fate and puts no effort to improve his appearance. Loves corduroys. An only child. Hopes to inherit a fortune when the parents pass on. Hates them for keeping him waiting.
@aviator
Ex mod of KLost.Currently jobless after the loss of her mod job.Kikuyu. Slim, tall and shaggy. No sense of fashion. Talks shiet.A lot of shiet. Her idea of makeup is Vaseline. Hard working in her hustles (most of which are misplaced anyway), and can occasionally sell ikuss to put food on the table. In an abusive marriage.Early 40s. Studied IT at UON, but canât format a flash disk. Got fired from her employer due to incompetence and petty theft. Lives at Mwiki or Njiru in her own house.Dark. Cute face though, and would be a black beauty if she put a little effort. Very high confidence. Sees an opportunity, grabs it but eventually fucks it off. Canât oversee a project to completion.Currently selling fake Chinese decoders to unsuspecting Kenyans in the villages. No permanent friends. Scandalous. Believes in magic, and is hopeful of the return of KLost.Eats mukimo from Sunday to Saturday.Active in the church choir, and offers to clean the church in place of tithing. Tiny boobs. Low IQ. Even lower FQ. Could be the wife to @The_Atheist. Canât get into the mood for a jiggy except after some violence. No front of back office.
@mabenda4
A real hustler.Funny and a womanizer beyond limits. No class. Fits everywhere from dingy lodges to 5-stars. Self-made. From Jikaze (for real). Happily married, though struggling to cover his philandering ways. Most likely to uncover the nakedness of a close relative or house help. Loves his wife and two kids. Early 40s. 5â9â. Thin and emaciated. Prefers faded jeans and checked short-sleeved shirts. Doesnât own a tie.Loved by his pals.Hated by his wife and her friends. Go getter. Has tried over 50 businesses, and failed in the past 49 attempts. Hopeful on the current mineral water business.Widely travelled.Loves thick novels.Drinks Guinness kavu. Spontaneous. Likable from the word go! A string of illegitimate kids in every town he has lived. Drives a 1993 205 which has witnessed more climbing than Sabina joy beds.
@This is Gold
A complete failure in life. An example of how life oughtnât to be lived. Delights in the suffering of others. Mid 40s. College (Zetech or Aviation) dropout- was taking packages. No career or career plans. Doesnât work, but features the latest fashion. Miraa and sachets are his favorites. Pirates in Mukuru/Mathare/Sodom/Gatwekera with his gang. No known address. Ran away from home after high school to become a chokora. Sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them. Shaggy at all times. Dirty. Recycles underwear for up to a week. Totally unlikable from the word go. Has been in jail for kidnap and bestiality. Keeps wrong company at all times. No girlfriend, but prefers older women.Canât sustain an erection, therefore uses backstreet Viagra.Yellow teeth, sorry, fangs.Looks like the devil.A total disgrace to the human race. Comparatively, @uwesmake is a saint. An active participant of the 2007/8 PEV, specializing in looting and killing. Member of the Mauki family. Ugly scars on the face. Canât and shouldnât procreate. Consults the occult.
@Mwenyewe aka @Wakanyama
This is the first true case of multi-handling in the village. And it represents the multiple personality disorder of the figure behind the handles. A kisii.38 or thereabouts.5â9â.Metallic black.Sadist inside. Carries most of the traits of Jerry aka TIG, but has a formal job as a panel beater hapoGrogon. Thin and underweight.Hasirakamaya buffalo. Married to one woman (akokeroka) and blessed with 4 kids. Hates life and just struggles to live. Lukewarm SDA. Climbs cheapwomen, espmbotches. Drinks changaa.Puffs like a rain. Shaggy hair and dirty beard.Dirty over-all even when in the house at Kibera.Worked for the last 16 years in the same job. No growth plans. Loves disco matanga. Not likeable. Not even noticeable. Shy and canât open his mouth in front of a group >3 people. Prefers back seats in matatus or church. Very mean to family.
@Ka-Buda
This is a swiddler. He made his village raise money for him to travel to Uk for studies, only to end up in Rwanda . Tried mitumba business there but failed. A short (5â1â) fat guy, nearing obese. 37 yrs old. Kikuyu.A self-confessed pokoman. Currently drives a Kigali kanjo garbage truck. Travels home every August.Presents himself as a successful Kenyan in Diaspora but his philandering ways leaves him broke by 8th of the month. Kept by a Sudanese in Rwanda, a far cry from the Zulu he claims. Easy to get along with, but not very intelligent.Very high appetite for chapos.Never attended church. Not even as a kid. From Shamata along the slopes of the Aberdares.Drinks changaa. Likes blue jackets and rubber shoes. Has some fashion sense, and is nicknamed madesign by his pals.
