Last Friday I received a text from Okidi, a close friend, who invited me to a goat eating party that took place yesterday (Sunday). I love goat meat, especially roast ribs so I quickly confirmed that I would attend lest he changed his mind. The goat-eating venue was in Kasarani at a club called Red Office on Sunday at 3 p.m.
I live in Kangemi.
Waiyaki way has unpredictable traffic patterns so on Sunday I woke up at 7 a.m., took a hot shower and drank several litres of the showerâs hot water âto enlarge my stomachâ. My wife tried to prepare breakfast but I told her not to bother and that I was in a hurry.
At 10 a.m., before I left the house and my wife was busy cleaning the house, I snuck into the medicine cabinet and pocketed my daughterâs appetite stimulant (Trimetabol Appetizer Syrup). I left the house and took a bus to town.
I was in town by 12 a.m and proceeded to take a Kasarani-Mwiki bus which took almost an hour to fill passengers. All this time, over a hundred makangas pounded the poor bus over a billion times, as it is the norm in Nairobi. To kill time I called Okidi to let him know I was on my way. He picked on the second ring,
ââHello,ââ
ââHi man, I have just taken a mat to Kasaraniââ
ââThat is great man, a little too early but ni sawa. I hope umejipanga vizuriââ
ââNimejipanga kabisa, hata mfuko iko ready.ââ
ââThat is great buddy, hata unaweza ukawa one of my guestsââ
ââAbsolutely, I wonât mind.ââ I retorted and added, âWhat are friends for?â
He sounded happier to hear that.
I hung up as the bus left town.
At this point I need to tell you that there no way I could have known that goat-eating, to our Kikuyu brothers, means fundraising or a mchango. In our motherâs tongue, a stomach directly translates to a bag or mfuko. When I said mfuko iko ready I was referring to my stomach and nothing about money.
Who names a fundraising a goat eating?
Why the swive would anyone do that?
A lonely sociopath perhaps?
Was there a dire deficit of vocabulary that the closest match was goat-eating?
Is it a trick to corner unsuspecting victims?
Has the government looked into this?
Okidi thought I meant money.
In my pocket, I only had 200 shillings (for fare and emergencies), a handkerchief, and a bottle of appetizer.
At 2.30, I was at Red Officeâs entrance, a well-designed bar and restaurant with nice ambience (by my standards). Their butchery is right at the entrance with a display of healthy looking carcasses. As I walked by the butchery, I smiled at one of the goatâs carcass but the butcher thought I was smiling at him and he smiled at me too, I then asked him where the goat eating was to take place. He showed me two rooms at the end of a corridor opposite the washrooms on ground floor. I walked in and found two people already seated. I shook their hands and started small talk as we waited for the others. At 3.30, Okidi arrived in a shiny suit, shook my hand, and introduced me as his High School classmate and a very senior government official (HA HA HA HAAA).
It seemed that most of the invited attendees were seated but the MC was yet to arrive but he had called to say he would join us in 10 minutes. Okidi told me that the ceremony would start in 30 minutes and that as his guest, he would want I sit next to him. At this point I was quite hungry, having eaten nothing but the hot showerâs water.
The doctorâs advice when one prescribes appetite stimulants is that it should be taken 30 minutes before meals. I quickly excused myself, ran to the gentâs washrooms, pulled out the bottle, and drained the contents of the swiving bottle in a gulp. I was ready, ready like a warrior
This is my first hekaya, typing is not easy. Excuse my grammar.
Enyewe Ktalkers hupitia mengiâŚ